Editor’s note: We have an unusual advice column for you. First a personal problem will be described and then Dr. Yakerty, a trained counselor and psychologist, will give his professional advice, followed by a counter view offered either by another psychologist, a reader like yourself, or just a blunt friend.
The Predicament
“Okay Dr. Smarty Pants, answer this: My girlfriend told me she was bisexual from the get go and I thought I could handle that. But I can’t. It makes me twice as jealous and twice as insecure. No matter how good we’re in the sack, I feel she’ll always want something I can’t give her. Can a bi-sexual ever be faithful? Can a no-doubts lesbian ever be happy with someone who bats for both teams? It’s driving me nuts!”
- Chrissie C.
My View
Woody Allen once said, “the great thing about bisexuality is that it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” But you seem to be saying it also doubles the chances your lover will cheat on you.
Not sure if the math works that way in either case, but among the people represented by the letters GLBT, it’s certain we have less sociological, psychological, and biological understanding of bisexuality than we do for the others. We even lack a clear and commonly understood definition.
For some people the fact they can “perform” sexually with both genders means they are bi, but that wouldn’t be a definition accepted by social scientists and sex researchers. They’d want a distinction between “behavior” and “orientation.” Just because you can do both doesn’t mean you are both.
Alfred Kinsey, the famed sex researcher, said he never found anyone who was 50/50, but that some people, maybe even a majority, might be attracted to both genders, but they were still more oriented toward either hetero or homosexuality.
In talking about sexual identity among men, Christopher Isherwood, the writer on whose short stories “Cabaret” is based, succinctly observed that what makes you gay “is not who makes your dick hard, but who makes your heart skip a beat.”
Research does suggests that bisexuality may be more common among women than it is among men, but the important question isn’t whether your partner finds both sexes physically appealing, but rather if she feels a woman offers for her the possibility of a more lasting and fulfilling relationship, and more to the point, if she finds that possibility exist between you and her.
A totally open and honest discussion with your girlfriend on those questions will tell you far more what you need to know than any advice column ever could.
Counter-View from a Psychiatrist
Yes Virginia, there may not be a Santa Clause, but there really are bisexuals. It isn’t just a halfway stop to admitting you’re gay or an all-purpose license to be a philanderer. Bisexuals often feel they are equally misunderstood by straights and gays, and also equally discriminated against. Yet the issue may not be her bisexuality, but your insecurity and jealousy, for if those are traits in your personality they can no more be wished away than homosexuality can be prayed away. For any healthy and productive relationship, you have to learn to control those impulses, but it may very well be that’s impossible for you with anyone who is genuinely bisexual. If that’s true, face it for your sake and hers.
- Dr. Skinner
Would YOU like to give advice in our next column?
Read the predicament below and tell us what you would say to this person. The best one will be printed along with Dr. Yakerty’s response. Send it to DrYakerty@aol.com. Let us hear from you.
“My lover doesn’t accept he’s gay. He absolutely HATES being gay, but he won’t get any counseling for this. Says his feelings are perfectly normal. That it’s us who accept homosexuality who are the abnormal ones. Sometimes right in the middle of sex he gets disgusted with himself for being ‘that way.’ I love him but think I’m just begging for heartbreak if I get deeper involved. Is there any hope?”
