Florida Agenda

By ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.

Two middle aged men looking for a long term, committed relationship chat on Match.com and decide to meet for coffee. Tom and Roger are both good-looking, intelligent, and personable. They have a very nice conversation. Roger is very interested in Tom, but Tom is less than excited. Of course Roger is hoping Tom would be interested in a second date.

Roger should:

(A) Directly ask Tom if there is any potential and interest in further dating.

(B) Ask Tom out for dinner on Saturday night without discussing interest.

(C) Do not discuss the future and wait for Tom to call and ask him out.

(D) Wait two days and if Tom hasn’t called, then call Tom to feel him out. Tom should:

(A) Directly let Roger know that he is not interested in further dating.

(B) Tell Roger he wouldn’t mind seeing him again.

(C) Not discuss his lack of interest and just hope he never hears from Roger again.

(D) Agree to another date only if Roger calls him.

How many times have we heard men say they are tired of the games that we play when dating? But then again, how often have we been just as much of a game player as others? How often have we chosen “A” when confronted with the situation above? Isn’t it always easier to skirt the expression of true feelings to avoid being rejected or avoid hurting the other person? Game playing or strategic dating sets you up for eventual emotional hurt and/or disappointment.

Authentic dating is about being honest. First, that requires being true to yourself about what you are looking for: i.e., what are your goals for dating? Are you looking for a life partner? Are you looking for casual sex? Is stability more important than passion? Do you want an exclusive relationship or an open one? Are you currently “available” for intimacy? Next, you must be honest with yourself about how you feel about the person you are meeting or dating.

It has been scientifically proven that we know within minutes—if not seconds—of meeting someone if there is the potential for passion.

Finally, you want to be totally honest with your date. If initially there is nothing there but you want to see if something develops—not impossible, but also not very likely— just say so. If you want to be dating a host of people and are not ready to be with one individual, say so. If you are only interested in this person for sex, say so. If you have no interest in another date, say so. If you recognize potential of any kind in this person, say so.

This approach is not for everyone— only for those who want an honest, authentic, and sincere connection with another person who has similar objectives. If there is a mutual passionate connection and both are looking for the same thing, the other person will not be turned off by you stating your feelings. If there is no passion for one or the other, or if the two of you have different dating objectives, what difference does it make if you scare the other personal away? The first date is simply about assessing the potential and objectives of each person. If there is no real potential, passion, or mutual objective, move on. If there is a mutuality of interest in the connection, then continue to date in order to explore values, compatibility, mutual interests, and sex. Building a trusting relationship of any type requires complete honesty, respect and authenticity right from the beginning.