Florida Agenda

By Phoebe Moses

Life coach Paul Angelo, MHA, MBA, says that gay men need to look at their self-esteem from the unique perspective of their lifestyle. In doing so, he offers the possibility of falling in love to the accompaniment of a 25-pound weight loss. (Is there a downside to this?) Angelo, who began to offer life coaching services professionally in 2009, has identified an orientation-specific condition he refers to as Gay Low Self-Esteem (GLSE). It isn’t something that you will find listed, though, in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

“GLSE is not found in the DSM, nor is it a clinical diagnosis,” Angelo emphasizes. “Because of the preponderance of ‘straight’ psychology and therapy, gay life-related issues are poorly understood, and measured only in the context of HIV and AIDS.”

Angelo says that when men are in a challenging environment, they grow faster and develop more creative problem-solving skills. Their confidence and sense of accomplishment increase, which he says simultaneously lifts their self-esteem, and brings them a feeling of satisfaction and well-being. These are potent weapons to have in one’s arsenal, especially in a world where the game is stacked against the “gay.”

“GLSE is different because it is ingrained into the gay culture and the identity of a gay man today,” Angelo notes. “Today it is almost impossible to be gay and have high self esteem without extensive coaching or therapy. So GLSE is the reason why HIV incidence will continue to rise uncontrollably. A person with low self esteem will not follow safe sex instructions. It’s like asking a man on crutches to run a marathon.”

Angelo says overcoming low self-esteem is connected with the qualities possessed by champion athletes and those who are successful in the field of romance. He has developed a 12- week high-performance program to enhance self-esteem and encourage better health, based upon the principles of accountability, motivation, and coaching, designed to bring out the “killer instinct” in gay men who have confidence or self-esteem issues. “Losing weight can be a boring task but when you combine it with the fun aspect of dating and starting a relationship, exercise and proper nutrition can become fun and engaging,” Angelo says.

Angelo worked in the fitness industry for over 25 years, starting out as a personal trainer, and moving into hospital healthcare administration. He trained with the American College Of Sports Medicine, and studied healthcare administration as part of his Master’s program. He says that health advice and marketing methods can collide, and often serve the business instead of the consumer, resulting in the consumer hurting himself, or becoming convinced of the existence of a magic pill. Angelo’s gay matchmaking and life coaching teaches gay men over 40 how to lose weight, because he says it is easier to find the right match when one looks and feels better.

His 12-week intensive high-performance gay group coaching program teaches gay men over 40 how to turn short term results into a mindset for a long-term healthy and happy life.

“High quality gay men are out there available for relationships, but they will not settle for the average Joe,” Angelo adds. “And while the looks matter, it is also crucial to know how to make your partner feel good, and how to build intimacy with a new date.”

For more information, visit paulangelo.com.

By Arlen Leight , Ph.D.

There are many of us in the fields of mental health and self-help who understand that basic unhappiness is primarily related to how we think about ourselves. Self-esteem and selfworth are basically the result of two major components. First, there is a demonstrated competence and success in areas of life in the EXTERNAL WORLD that are important to us. These include intelligence, relationships—intimate, friends, family, co-workers, etc.— physical self, emotional self, and work or career. The second component consists of core feelings in the INTERNAL WORLD of self-love. This includes internal feelings of value and worth, internal feelings of love, and internal feelings of self-acceptance. Both aspects of selfesteem are internally self-directed.

Often, the reason we feel less than good about ourselves begins with futile attempts to align our feelings of self-worth with cultural standards, and the opinion of others. We look for outside validation which often is not forthcoming. As each of us is different, we cannot expect our core uniqueness to align with that of others. The moment we harshly judge ourselves based on our difference, we give into devaluing and degrading our sense of self. When we harshly judge others, we can be sure its roots are in our own selfdegradation. The external components of selfesteem relate to how we function in the outside world in areas of life that are IMPORTANT to us. If we are not functioning in a way that supports a positive sense of self, we either are not living up to our potential—often due to internal self-degradation—or we are trying to live up to the ideals of someone else. When life is not going the way we want it to, it is time to explore whether we are trying to please others (or the culture at-large) at the expense of our own desires and passions.

Following one’s own heart leads to true satisfaction and self-worth. If our lack of self-esteem is the result of internal feelings of dissatisfaction, then it is time to find ways to accept ourselves exactly as we are now.

People with high self-esteem are willing to accept, improve, or change those aspects that are perceived to be “imperfect” or different from the cultural norms. They resist the need to harshly judge themselves or others, and they shun gossip. They surround themselves with people who accept them as they are, and for who they are.

Tools for enhancing self-esteem include:

1. Monitoring your self-talk. Stop the internal bully. Put up a mental STOP sign when you find yourself inappropriately judging yourself or others. Stop all criticism. It has done nothing for you in the past, and will do nothing in the future.

2. Taking risks. Push yourself into new and uncomfortable situations, realizing that imperfect outcomes or failed plans do not mean personal failure. Each person has different risk tolerance. Reward yourself for trying, no matter the outcome.

3. Giving to others. Contributing allows us to see our value in new ways.

4. Being assertive (also known as “healthy communication”). If you’re introverted, that means making an adjustment from keeping self-expression internal. If you’re extroverted, that means modifying selfexpression, and learning to listen and process your feelings more before you speak.

5. Understanding that self-care is self-esteem. Manage your nutrition, health, diet, and exercise. Take small steps, but move forward with health empowerment.

6. Experiencing personal growth classes, spiritual retreats, counseling, and reading self-help literature. Find sources of inspiration for positive change.

Finally, don’t self-medicate your feelings away with drugs and alcohol. If anything will damage your sense of self, it is substance abuse. If you have a problem, get help TODAY.

Note: Dr. Leight conducts a group for gay men every summer entitled “Confidence, Self-Esteem, and Personal Empowerment.”

For more information, visit doctorleight. com/workshops.php.