Florida Agenda

By ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.

Just as individuals go through predictable stages of adult development, so do relationships. These stages precipitate conflicts as well as clashes of needs. Mature relationships often bring on a sense of boredom or a feeling that the individuals have “grown apart.” While commitment may be strong, communication may have deteriorated as a result of anticipated hurt and/or rejection. Often one or both partners feel trapped in the connection with strong ambivalence about staying together.

Many couples end up resigning themselves to an unhappy or unsatisfactory marriage. Others simply split up, seeing no way forward. A little talked about, middle-of-the-road option, is the so-called “marriage sabbatical” in which the individuals take some time and space to help balance needs for intimacy and autonomy. The indications for such a break are either a flat-lining of the relationship “energy” or a heightening of conflict on a daily basis. The marriage sabbatical may also be in order after attempts at sustained couples-therapy appear to fail.

The sabbatical is a trial separation of sorts, but it differs in that it is structured and purposeful. The sabbatical may take many different forms, depending on the needs, desires, and financial considerations of the specific couple. If a short time-out is all that is needed, separate vacations or a few weeks apart may do the trick. When the challenges run deeper, living separately for 3-to-12 months in order to assess one’s own path and his/her partner’s role in his/her life may be required. If it’s financially impossible to physically separate, try reorganizing your household space, including taking separate bedrooms, and a reassessment of the time spent together. Whether living separately or not, agreements regarding how and how often to communicate, how and how often to see one another, whether to have sexual relations together or even whether it is okay to experience sexual exploration outside of the relationship are all part of the sabbatical contract.

The hope is to break dysfunctional relationship patterns, gain perspective on the relationship, realize what your partner really means to you, create a context for personal growth and change, and find a balance between autonomy and intimacy that works for you. Couples need to communicate. When this isn’t enough, it is important to explore your options. This alternative to divorce may help couples who are “stuck” in dysfunctional relationships and need time for personal growth and development before making a recommitment to the marriage or moving on. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical, they do so with a new understanding of themselves and their needs and desires. The parameters for a marriage sabbatical are best negotiated and contracted with a well-trained and experienced couple’s therapist who understands the sabbatical process as an exploration, and not a separation.

When couples decide to divorce, they usually do so more amicably because the partners truly know why they are separating. The decision to move on then is more likely by mutual choice and therefore less victimization occurs. It has been my experience that couples who are mature enough and secure enough to negotiate a temporary break find a renewed sense of self, and with it, an ability to re-engage more honestly and lovingly, as they work through differences and/or re-energize the connection more easily and completely. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical, they usually do so with a new understanding of themselves, their needs and their desires.

ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a Licensed Psychotherapist and
Board Certified Sex Therapist in private practice on the
drive in Wilton Manors. He can be reached via email at
DoctorLeight@aol.com, by phone at 954-768-8000, or
online at www.DoctorLeight.com.

By DR. DALTON A. YAKERTY

Reader’s Question:
“Before you get too emotionally involved
with someone, before your friends and family
get too interwoven, before you move in
together and get financially entangled, is
there any reliable way to know if the two of
you are good candidates for a workable and
lasting relationship?”

Dr. Yakerty:

There are no fireproof guarantees in life, there’s no one or no method that can ensure you won’t get hurt or disappointed. Love is a gamble, but that doesn’t mean you can’t improve the odds.

Yes, there are a ton of psychological and sociological studies on this question. Most of them go astray by the many intangibles and variables involved in any relationship, but a handful have come up with some reliable guidelines rather than mere gobbledygook.

• More important than looks, sex, money, or how much fun you may have is whether you share some common interests and a good deal of the same core values. In the long run, nothing can substitute for that.

• Each person in the relationship must have a healthy sense of how hard it can be to live with him or her. The minute one person begins to think they’re easy to live with but the other person is hard, then you start on a downward road from which it’s difficult to return.

• Notice at the beginning how they treat service people, for that may reveal more of how they will act after the honeymoon wears off. Pay attention also to what the relat i o n – ships of their siblings are like, for that may tell you about the patterns they were ingrained with at an early age.

• Couples who stick together don’t require a heads-over-heels love, but they do have to genuinely like each other. Liking and loving are two different things, and research shows that day-today liking may be more crucial.

• And maybe the most crucial thing of all is a beneficial way to work t h rough y o u r problems once they occur. For if one person conceals his feelings, or if one refuses to listen to the other’s concerns or to deal with them, then you won’t be able to grow and learn together.

Wise teachers also know that a story can be a far better way to make a point than free-floating advice, and indirectly I think the following may offer better guidance to couples than all the empirical studies combined.

There’s an old southern folk tale that goes like this: A man died and went to heaven. St. Peter told him that before he passed through the pearly gates he must pay a visit to hell.

Once there the man was horrified, for everywhere he saw starving people, and to each of their left arms was fasten a six-foot fork and to their right a six foot knife. The dinner bell rung and they rushed to tables filled with food, but no matter how they tried they couldn’t get it to their mouths. Then the man was taken to heaven and to his amazement everyone there also had huge utensils attached to their arms, but they looked well fed and happy. And he learned the reason when he saw them at their evening meal, for they turned and fed each other. “Why,” he asked St. Peter, “has that never occurred to the people in hell?” St. Peter replied, “it’s because that alternative hasn’t occurred to them that they are in hell.”

To submit a question, e-mail DrYakerty@aol.com.