Alex Vaughn
A white picket fence has long been the symbol of the “American Dream.” The iconic image has always been seen as a symbol of home ownership, success, achievement and pure happiness. We all know what makes up the lifestyle that plays out behind that perfect picket facade. The perfect parents – the gainfully employed dad and the Suzie homemaker mom; the boy who plays football and the girl who is on the honor roll; school runs and soccer practice; the cat, the dog and the station wagon – symbols all of unabashed upper-middle class perfection and achievement.
This image has been seen as largely unattainable for the gay community, who couldn’t marry or adopt or felt there was a glass ceiling in their job because they didn’t have a wife or a husband to complement the family ethos of a company. Yet, the fight for equality shows us that this is the dream of many gay men and women; everyone wants success, and many want a family.
Fortunately, times have changed. Now more than ever before, this ideal lifestyle is not only a possibility, but also a reality for many gay couples right here in South Florida. Gay people can aspire to such a dream as a symbol of equality and acceptance in addition to the core values seen in achieving a picket-fence lifestyle.
Yet as the community continues to take steps towards equal rights, rights to adopt, to marry and so forth, can the white picket fence model work for the gay community?
In the 50s, the pop art image of a family in perfect suburbia was sold through everything from Coca-Cola to laundry detergent.
Yet it didn’t show what happened behind closed doors. Without question as the nation became more open minded, so too did attitudes. As a result, people began to realize that behind the façade of a white picket fence, there were all-too-often big deep-seated issues. Infidelity, abuse, financial strain from keeping up with the Joneses – you name it, all playing out behind closed doors.
As our community moves towards the perceived ideal, how much of it can be translated to a gay couple
? Die-hards would argue all of it. I say you can’t put a square peg in a round hole.
First, I think people need to realize is there is a reason why the white picket fence lifestyle is called a dream; very few people live that life anymore, or probably never did. Divorce is acceptable, the economy has changed and so too have demographics.
It is becoming more acceptable for women to not want to have children, while more couples are making up their own rules as they go. Gay people have to do the same. As more and more laws and policies slowly come down, the reality is gay couples have more freedom to make their own rules as well.
People – gay, straight or otherwise – need to know that to make it work inside that perfect home as well as it does on the outside, you have to be realistic. Equal rights are one thing, but the dynamics of gay relationships are different from straight ones. I know people don’t like to hear that, but it is ridiculous to suggest otherwise. Two men or two women together have a totally different dynamic from a man and woman.
As the rights are granted, people need to tailor their dreams. They can still have children and a station wagon and the house and the fence, but to make a relationship work, you need to be sensitive to the differences your relationship has. I am reminded of the remake of “Stepford Wives.” Having the gay characters really brought the movie up to date. Yet having the more flamboyant of the couple seen as the wife, just shows the stereotype. As the film suggests that should be exactly as he is perceived – the perfect “woman” of the relationship. Yet, in the movie, becoming a Stepford wife doesn’t turn him into a woman, or a homemaker, but into a republican political power house in a navy suit.
When you look at this, you can see that society in the “perfect” picket fence world wouldn’t accept him as a wife, a stay at home, look after the house and kids figure, but only as a man’s man. This is extremely interesting to me. In the original film, the women were turned into the 50s housewife models and that’s the premise of the story. Yet, in the updated version, the gay couple they couldn’t let him remain effeminate and flamboyant. He had to be turned into the perfect husband.
This is the reality that many gay couples will face when setting up their perfect homes in little communities, so what can they do? Simple. Make your own rules. It’s not a gay/straight thing; it’s a simple reality of today’s society. Couples have to make their own rules up to stay together.
I strongly believe that to even get close to that ideal you have to know yourself, how much of that world do you want to be partof. Sure there are always jokes that one partner is the wife and the other husband, but can that really translate in your relationship? If you do have kids, is it safe or acceptable to have them in a community of faux perfection or better to raise them in the more open big cities? Where will you be accepted? Where will your kids be accepted? These are the more pertinent questions, and I am not saying that people don’t think of them, all I am saying is that don’t be fooled by a lifestyle that isn’t real, or you may find yourself a desperate housewife.
Remember a fence is just a fence. It is your life. Paint it whatever color you want. Just make sure it matches your true lifestyle or it will become a prison.
Alex Vaughn is the Editor-in-Chief of the Florida Agenda. He can be reached at editor@FloridaAgenda.com
