I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked, “Why does it seem that as soon as I get close to someone, they seem to back away?,” and “Why are many of the men I date so clingy or needy?” The answers to these questions can be varied and complex, but I hope to provide a basic understanding of approach and avoidance in intimate connections.

There has been a tremendous amount of research in the field of Attachment Theory over the past 50 years. Dr. Mary Ainsworth, a leader in this work, was doing much groundbreaking at Johns Hopkins when I was there studying psychology in the 1970s. Her work, combined with other long term studies, shows that attachment patterns tend to run in families, and watching the interactions of mother and child can reliably predict the types of attachments the child will experience in adult relationships.

Very simply, there are secure and insecure attachments. There are three types of insecure attachments. The first type is characterized by a need to be with the loved one, know their whereabouts, and feel connected. This is often seen as the “clingy” or “needy” partner, and is sometimes referred to as the “love pursuant.” In childhood, this person’s mother was likely anxious about her own relationships and provided considerably more emotional attention than the child required for adequate security and love.

The mother’s enmeshment with the child modeled a type of attachment that follows into adulthood. (I refer to the mother, because research suggests she is the strongest object of attachment, but this can also be a father or other caregiver.) The adult is often plagued with conscious fears of abandonment, but underlying this is an unconscious fear of intimacy or emotional vulnerability. There is usually denial about this, with this type insisting that a relationship is all he really wants in his life. The second type is characterized by detachment and ambivalence. This is the person who gets uncomfortable when someone is getting too close. The so-called “love avoidant” grew up with a mother whose anxiety about closeness resulted in giving less emotional attention than required for the development of trust and love. Often, children who are emotionally or physically abandoned, or neglected by the mother, are the subject to this sort of insecurity.

The adult deals with somewhat conscious fears of engulfment and intimacy, but often adamantly denies a fear of abandonment, which in this adult actually can be greater than for the so-called love pursuant.

The third type of insecure attachment can develop when there is major trauma and/or abuse for the child. I will not get into this type in depth, but these adults can be severely limited in their ability to create or maintain relationships.

A major irony of human connection is that passionate relationships often form between the love pursuant and the love avoidant types. When they occur, it is likely each will blame the other for the struggle, as one feels neglected and the other engulfed.

Each insecure type has his individual way of dealing with the resultant anxiety. The love avoidant may find a multitude of ways to preoccupy and distract himself—computer, phone, TV, or being busy in general. He may create a sense of distance and autonomy by being secretive, or having other sexual encounters. These all have the potential of leaving the love pursuant feeling abandoned. The love pursuant then may attempt connection through physical touch and closeness, heightened conversation and inquiry, initiation of sex, or attempting to increase time together. He also may simply withdraw or close down, out of fear of agitating the alreadydistancing partner. The result is the love avoidant feels his partner is clingy or needy. Indeed, the love avoidant will often accuse the love pursuant of being insecure, but this is actually an ego projection of his personal, unconscious feelings of insecurity.

Until and unless there is awareness of the dynamic, and a desire to get some professional assistance to deal with it, the relationship will remain under duress, or collapse.

A love pursuant man recently related to me how he and his love avoidant boyfriend of several months were sitting at home with the avoidant’s actual lap dog—Sammy—cuddled between them. The avoidant declared, “I think Sammy is getting too clingy because I haven’t been home as much lately.” Of course, the distancing boyfriend wasn’t talking about his dog—he was talking “through” his dog, and sending several simultaneous, unconscious messages to his boyfriend:

(1) I’m spending a lot of time with you.

(2) “Close” feels clingy.

(3) “Clingy” is bad, and feels uncomfortable (i.e., makes me anxious).

(4) Don’t get too close, or it will feel clingy.

Those fortunate enough to have grown up with a mother who was present—and who knew how much love and attention to give in order to satisfy the child’s emotional needs, without being overbearing or denying necessary connection—find a secure comfort zone in adult relationships much more easily.

A final word is required regarding addiction and attachment. When there is unresolved addiction in one or both partners, intimate attachment is not possible. Drugs and alcohol are inevitably the attachment of choice for an addict. This is in part the reason Alcoholics Anonymous recommends a minimum of one year in recovery before attempting intimate dating. The addiction itself may be the result of having had the need to reduce or deny anxiety associated with the individual’s history of insecure attachment.

The short-lived relationship was rocky at best. You initially thought this man was really for you. Thinking about him made you feel whole, happy, and hopeful. He showed great interest in being with you.

He had some great qualities, but right from the start you knew there were some “issues.”

Being the eternal optimist, you figured you’d work at it in hopes of true love, romance, and relationship. You almost immediately felt a total emotional commitment. You found yourself thinking about him often–maybe obsessively–and projecting a life together way into the future. When the problems became greater than the “relationship” satisfaction, it ended with a feeling of relief mixed with disappointment.

But now it is time to move on, and before you can blink an eye, someone appears with great qualities and, well, some “issues.” Despite these, why not see if this new man is “The One?” So you wholeheartedly invest again, only to find weeks or months later you are ready to jump ship–again. Within days of its ending, another “true love” comes along.

This pattern of obsessive-compulsive behavior is complex and multi-dimensional. The likelihood is that you often feel empty and lonely if you aren’t subject to the attention and “love” of a potential partner. The pain of each break-up is avoided by emersion into the next “relationship.” At its cause, you may have been subjected to childhood emotional neglect and/or abuse. By ignoring red flags or lacking the filters necessary to make wise choices, you are essentially “asking for” a repetition of that childhood abuse, neglect, and/or emotional pain. Unconsciously, you are repeating the “family-of-origin” pattern, which is both familiar and, ironically, comfortable compared with the prospect of true intimacy.

The repetitive dating pattern is an unconscious attempt to heal the wounds of childhood, believing that any friendly interest shown upon meeting is an indication that this new person will fully love you. It is this initial apparent interest that is so alluring, bypassing your rational mind, which might otherwise realize the prospective partner is not really a good match. The limerance (the initial excitement phase of a relationship) provides a dopamine (brain chemical) response that creates a high which has the potential to be very addicting, and covers up any feelings of loss or grief associated with the last “relationship” or childhood pain. Despite the near-desperation to be in a relationship, the pattern actually sets you up for future loneliness–the very feeling you are trying to avoid.

To remedy the behavior pattern, you need to take some major, often painful, steps. These include, but are not necessarily limited to:

1. Finding a therapist who is not invested in your desire to be in a relationship.
2. Taking time off from dating to be by yourself. Feel the pain of loneliness if that comes up. Be with the anxiety. Time and your therapist will help you process these feelings and understand them–and yourself–better.
3. Working on feeling good about you. Fulfillment does not require partnership, and, indeed, to be a good partner you need to feel and be complete by yourself. Self love and acceptance are critical ingredients to bring into intimate relationships.
4. After a sufficient period of time, entering the dating world slowly. Don’t jump into a relationship with the first potential partner who shows you some interest. Have in mind what is important to you in a partner, and do not sacrifice Self at the altar of relationship.
5. Experiencing dating without “relationship” in mind. Don’t limit yourself to one person. Allow yourself to experience all different kinds of people. Have fun and take your time. Interest from others should not be confused with love.
6. If you are going to date someone more than a few times, be sure they are emotionally, intellectually, and sexually available and compatible. Learn to say “no” if there are red flags, if the person is not right for you, or if you find you are giving up parts of you for the sake of a potential partner.
The revolving door of hopeless romanticism keeps you going in circles, never realizing your desire for true intimacy. Get some help and start moving in the direction of your dreams.

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Board Certified Sex Therapist in private practice on the drive in Wilton Manors. Dr. Leight has written and lectured extensively on the topic of gay male intimacy, dating, human connections and relationships, and has been on the faculty of several universities.  He can be reached via email at  DoctorLeight@aol.com, by phone at  954-768-8000, or online at  www.DoctorLeight.com.

Watch for his new book, “Sex Happens: The Gay Man’s Guide to Creative Intimacy,” due out this summer