By Arlen Leight , Ph.D.
There are many of us in the fields of mental health and self-help who understand that basic unhappiness is primarily related to how we think about ourselves. Self-esteem and selfworth are basically the result of two major components. First, there is a demonstrated competence and success in areas of life in the EXTERNAL WORLD that are important to us. These include intelligence, relationships—intimate, friends, family, co-workers, etc.— physical self, emotional self, and work or career. The second component consists of core feelings in the INTERNAL WORLD of self-love. This includes internal feelings of value and worth, internal feelings of love, and internal feelings of self-acceptance. Both aspects of selfesteem are internally self-directed.
Often, the reason we feel less than good about ourselves begins with futile attempts to align our feelings of self-worth with cultural standards, and the opinion of others. We look for outside validation which often is not forthcoming. As each of us is different, we cannot expect our core uniqueness to align with that of others. The moment we harshly judge ourselves based on our difference, we give into devaluing and degrading our sense of self. When we harshly judge others, we can be sure its roots are in our own selfdegradation. The external components of selfesteem relate to how we function in the outside world in areas of life that are IMPORTANT to us. If we are not functioning in a way that supports a positive sense of self, we either are not living up to our potential—often due to internal self-degradation—or we are trying to live up to the ideals of someone else. When life is not going the way we want it to, it is time to explore whether we are trying to please others (or the culture at-large) at the expense of our own desires and passions.
Following one’s own heart leads to true satisfaction and self-worth. If our lack of self-esteem is the result of internal feelings of dissatisfaction, then it is time to find ways to accept ourselves exactly as we are now.
People with high self-esteem are willing to accept, improve, or change those aspects that are perceived to be “imperfect” or different from the cultural norms. They resist the need to harshly judge themselves or others, and they shun gossip. They surround themselves with people who accept them as they are, and for who they are.
Tools for enhancing self-esteem include:
1. Monitoring your self-talk. Stop the internal bully. Put up a mental STOP sign when you find yourself inappropriately judging yourself or others. Stop all criticism. It has done nothing for you in the past, and will do nothing in the future.
2. Taking risks. Push yourself into new and uncomfortable situations, realizing that imperfect outcomes or failed plans do not mean personal failure. Each person has different risk tolerance. Reward yourself for trying, no matter the outcome.
3. Giving to others. Contributing allows us to see our value in new ways.
4. Being assertive (also known as “healthy communication”). If you’re introverted, that means making an adjustment from keeping self-expression internal. If you’re extroverted, that means modifying selfexpression, and learning to listen and process your feelings more before you speak.
5. Understanding that self-care is self-esteem. Manage your nutrition, health, diet, and exercise. Take small steps, but move forward with health empowerment.
6. Experiencing personal growth classes, spiritual retreats, counseling, and reading self-help literature. Find sources of inspiration for positive change.
Finally, don’t self-medicate your feelings away with drugs and alcohol. If anything will damage your sense of self, it is substance abuse. If you have a problem, get help TODAY.
Note: Dr. Leight conducts a group for gay men every summer entitled “Confidence, Self-Esteem, and Personal Empowerment.”
For more information, visit doctorleight. com/workshops.php.