Florida Agenda

By JARRETT TERRILL

(Photo: Courtesy WMXDESIGN)

Paul Ryan is really something to look at, isn’t he? On the rare occasion that he smiles, it’s like heaven has just opened up before you. His square jawline, small ears, and light eyes are the stuff that we seek in models for gay magazines. He’s got that whole Abercrombie-meets-Bass Pro Shops thing going on that I find adorable.

Just looking at Paul Ryan gives me a sort of “tingle” that even Chris Mathews could never understand. I become disoriented and light-headed. His appearance motivates me: I want to lace up my boots and go out to do his bidding.

It’s important for America to eventually have a sexy Vice President, right?

That being said – when Paul Ryan speaks to the issues, he’s clearly Satan in a necktie. The Log Cabin Republicans don’t dare look at what the Human Rights Campaign has to say. It only took them one digit to send him straight to gay hell. He received the pitiful “0%” ranking on their congressional scorecard.

Let’s say for a moment, though, that you don’t give any weight to the most powerful gay rights lobbying group in America. There are other reasons that Paul Ryan is toxic. Ryan has repeatedly professed that he serves three gods: The first almighty recipient of the congressman’s devotion is clearly the Temple of Ayn Rand. Rand, as you may know by now, is the much-maligned preacher of the “Objectivist” philosophy and doctrine of unrestrained— extreme—Free Market Capitalism. This philosophy does not allow for LGBT persons to have any federal protections in the workforce. Ayn Rand says that you are not special for being either a minority or in the majority. You are an individual to whom anything can happen in capitalism, and your only shot at success is by being more of a carnivore than the next guy.

The next house in which Ryan will worship is nestled in a little place called Vatican City. The Roman Catholic Church is always going to be greater than the sum of its parts by design: There is currently a band of wayward nuns who are saying something about contraceptives in Indiana, but they are of no consequence to the Holy See- No-Evil. The Pope does a better job of protecting child molesters than he does gays or women.

The last—reluctant and beleaguered— object of Paul Ryan’s heavenly gaze is Mitt Romney himself. This faux fascination will be short-lived, I guarantee. We often reward those who bestow greatness upon us with temporary adoration. Ryan recently said that he stands firmly behind Romney’s record as a “job creator.” This is great news for China, where those jobs were actually created. It doesn’t quite wash with the people of Florida, however, where our unemployment level leaves us weighing the pros and cons of prostitution in its sincerest form.

I really do regret having to rain my “liberal hatred” all over Paul Ryan’s parade. Perhaps I’ll change my mind about him if I can see him with his shirt off.

By Nick Stone

I’ll admit it. I’m one lucky bastard. Because of my active role in our local and statewide Republican Party, I was fortunate enough to be selected to be an alternate delegate to the Republican Convention in Tampa next week. I could easily have a say in the future of our party, and—if we win—the future of our country. But whether or not I’m selected to vote, I’ll be there on the inside.

I’ll be talking with the deciders. I’ve been given a voice. One of the things I look forward to most while I’m in Tampa is the opportunity to meet Paul Ryan.

Ryan’s entry into the race inspires both excitement and fear in the gay people I talk to, mostly because he is an unknown quantity (except to us political nerds).

People wonder aloud, Will he take our kids away? Will we ever get the right to marry? Is my Medicare saved or destroyed by his budget plan? Can he really cut the deficit without killing the economy? These questions deserve answers, which history suggests we will see at the convention.

When I see Romney/Ryan in Tampa, I’ll be wearing a rainbow elephant, both figuratively and literally. I’ll stand with the growing number of pro-equality Republican officeholders and candidates, and if given a moment with the candidates, I will remind them of our growing number, in the GOP and across America. Will I single-handedly move the dial on equality?

Who knows? But I know I’m doing more good on the inside than I would by hollering and rioting from the outside. There is little doubt that recent pandering to the LGBT and Latino communities has assured President Obama a support among minorities that once looked shaky.

My gay friends are happily misadvised that “pandering” equals “policy,” and I often tease them to go and rent a chapel, and send me an invitation to their Obama approved weddings. Do you suppose those invitations all got lost in the mail?

Maybe they realize the truth: President Obama’s positions are hollow. His progress on gay issues is only due to a bipartisan will to move forward, or at least move on. Single-issue LGBT voters are being taken for a ride on the U.S.S. Barack, but it is a sinking ship. President Obama’s anti-coattails will sweep in a Republican House, and Senate to boot. Fortunately, Mitt Romney is probably the most pro gay Republican presidential nominee— in record, if not always in rhetoric—that America has ever seen. There is no need for gays to fret the coming change in the White House.

When I meet Paul Ryan in Tampa, I’ll be standing with a champion for our party and our country. This young, gay, conservative, pro-equality Republican is ecstatic about the Romney/Ryan ticket, and I will be proud to cast my votes in favor of America’s Comeback Team, both at the convention and at the ballot box.

Mitt Romney will make a great president, and he—and we—will be well served with Paul Ryan at his side.

Nick Stone is Vice President of the Broward County Young Republicans, the former Vice President of Sunshine Republicans GOProud and campaign manager for Scott R. Herman for State Representative, District 94.