Florida Agenda

photo: Throngs of Gay Men attending the Muscle Beach Party on Miami Beach

Recently, it has come to my attention that I am simply just not keeping up with the rest of the gay community when it comes to wearing designer threads. It’s no secret that gay men are known for being on the cutting edge of fashion, and trust me, I am trying my damndest to keep up.

A few weeks ago I was at a beach party th

at was frequented by a rather large percentage of gay men. I was excited to sit back and relax while a throng of gay men would be undoubtedly running around in the sand while jumping up (hopefully in slow motion) to smack a volleyball or playfully splash one another (in even slower motion) while gallivanting in the ocean.  Because this fantasy of male models couldn’t be erased from my mind, I was convinced that I had to come up with the perfect beach outfit. After washing some laundry that smelled like either really sweaty gym socks or really good cheese (it all depends on your perspective), I made sure to assemble an ensemble that would make guys say, “Hey, that guy looks good.” My simple mind was able to come up with a tight fitting white polo, some nicely pressed navy blue shorts, and some grey Top-Siders.

It was very New England gay.

When I arrived at the party, I noticed another guy wearing similar shorts. As he was attractive and I wanted to make conversation for no reason other than to meet him, I said, “Hey, are those shorts from J. Crew?”

What was I met with?

“Ummm, no,” the handsome man said with a tone that indicated I had just said something offensive. “They’re Prada.”

My response?

“Oh,” I replied while backing slowly away from the man with the designer shorts. I realized that my sartorial faux pas had offended him. Defeated and feeling poor, I walked away and retreated to the bar to buy some booze … cheap booze.

That’s when I started to wonder…where in the Sam Hill are all the homosexuals of the world coming up with money to buy designer clothes!? Why is everyone in South Florida living in the lap of luxury while I slave away at my job for 12 hours a day only to return home and eat a tin of cat food?  Granted the cat food really helps cut down on the carb intake, but seriously, I would like to taste a bit of the sweet life once in awhile.

I guess it all comes down to me just not being lucky in life when it comes to being able to afford luxuries like gold plated flatware or running water. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe I should just be thankful that I wasn’t born missing any limbs or, even worse, being a part of that traveling band of gypsies referred to as “The Palin Family”. The point is that as much as the guy in Prada may make me feel inadequate for half a minute, I have to also recognize that I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. So, next time someone tells me that they’re shirt is D&G when I mistake it for something I saw just like it on the Kohl’s clearance rack, instead of slinking away like a disgraced serf, I shall look them in the eye and say, “Well, it looks very nice. And might I add that I am thankful that I have not one, but two, working legs.”

Maybe that’s a weird way to look at it, but at least it’s an affordable one.

The Observationist is the community at all times to provide you with a unique point of view. To contact him, email Editor@FloridaAgenda.com

Okay, before I even start this column, I want to make sure that I’m clear with everyone on something: I am not a whore. Sure, just like any other good natured gay guy, I’ve had my share of one night stands and 7-way gangbangs, but I don’t feel like that qualifies as me as a “Grade-A Skank”. Here’s my rule of thumb: If my sexual forays don’t shock my Great Aunt Chloe, then it can’t be that bad. Thankfully, my Great Aunt Chloe is a fairly open-minded individual, but considering that she used to run a brothel between the years of 1942 and 1957, I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising.

With that said, I think we can all recognize that sometimes we go out, drink a few too many Tom Collins cocktails and make decisions that lead us to waking up next to a total stranger. It’s okay!  There’s no need to be ashamed. Everyone has been there, and if someone says they haven’t, well, I would point my finger in their face and call them either a dirty, little liar or Representative

Anthony Weiner. The point being, I would totally dismiss them for telling me the truth.

So, now that we’ve all admitted that we’ve made mistakes in the past, I think it’s important to realize that unless we stop drinking booze (HA! Yeah right!), we’re probably going to repeat these mistakes again at some point in our lives.  But what is one to do when they wake up next to that stranger in bed? How do you make a situation that is totally awkward become not awkward? Well, if you take heed and listen to my advice, I might just be able to help you out in those very touchy situations.

Situation #1 – You wake up in a (not so hot) stranger’s bed: Okay, this is actually the best situation you can be in. Let’s pretend that you wake up next to someone  that you mistake for being physically deformed. While during the night before you thought you were going to hook up with Hugh Jackman’s doppelganger, it is probably quite a bummer to wake up and realize that you may have had relations with Hugh Jackman’s one-chromosome-missing twin. For the time being, refrain from embracing that feeling of ickiness and realize that you just need to get the F out of there and fast! My excuse? I always just tell the person that I have a pet at home that will probably die of starvation unless I get back soon. If the funny looking fellow tries to insist on you staying for just a little longer, you can always tell them that you’ve already had some run-ins with the Humane Society and you really don’t need another mishap. Most likely they’ll understand and let you leave. When you get home, shower immediately. If necessary, you can use your tears as body wash.

Situation #2 – A (not so hot) stranger wakes up next to you in your bed: This situation is way worse than situation #1.  Rather than being able to give some lame excuse to get out, you now have to think of some lame excuse to make the person want to leave. In these situations, I usually try to think of ways that I can disgust the person into thinking they need to go.  Some things that have worked well include saying that you have to get them out before your boyfriend comes home, feigning explosive diarrhea, or telling the stranger that they might want to see a doctor sometime soon. All these stories make you appear to be off-putting (and kinda gross), which is just the right thing to do in order to make them want to leave.

Situation #3 – A hot stranger wakes up next to you in your bed: This is awesome. You may not really know what happened last night but, by golly, you did something right. Maybe it was the extra spray of Cool Water cologne or that dead-on impression of Little Edie from Grey Gardens that you did but, regardless of the catalyst, you somehow managed to pull some sweet ass.

Assuming you don’t want the angel to leave so quickly, you need to think of a way to try to ensnare the person into your web of love. While tying them up with bungee cords may seem like a good idea at the time, let me tell you that executing such an idea will only end up getting you accused of a Class B felony.

Instead, maybe offer to make breakfast for your guest, and if you have zero culinary skills, then suggest going to brunch. If you do the latter, try to take your date to a brunch with mimosas. Who knows? Maybe a few cocktails can help you get a repeat of last night by mid-afternoon!

Situation #4 – You wake up in a hot stranger’s bed: Default into lesbian mode and try to move in before they have a chance to object. If necessary, start crying and tell them that you’re pretty sure that the both of you were destined to be soul mates. This won’t be weird at all.

There you have it! You now have a solution for all the possible awkward situations that you can find yourself in.  Now, if for some reason you find yourself in a unique situation where none of the above four scenarios fit your case, then I suggest always keeping an emergency kit on you. This emergency kit means you have a cell phone, a local cab company’s number and money for the fare. No matter what, the combined power of these things can always help to either get you the hell back home or send your date on their merry way. Just make sure to always be safe in all your adventures!

The Observationist is the community at all times to provide you with a unique point of view. To contact him, email Editor@FloridaAgenda.com

The other day, I was talking with my friend, Ray, about the Logo Television Network. While I appreciate that there is a network dedicated to gay programming, I have to say that the shows are pretty lame. While I give “RuPaul’s Drag U” credit for what it is, the rest of the television line-up makes me cringe. I mean, come ON! How many times do I have to watch a rerun of “Buffy,” and, even more to the point, when in the Sam Hill did “Buffy” qualify as gay TV? And please don’t get me started on that show “The A-List,” which only perpetuates every gay stereotype about dudes that are obsessed with money, looks and bitchiness. If I wanted to waste my time watching that sort of douche-baggery, I would move to LA.

Gays, I’m freakin’ bummed by this! We are better than defaulting on crappy reality TV that stars even crappier people.

These shows are predictable and downright boring! That is why, with some seed money (and no, I’m not talking about that “seed”), I would like to start my own network and have the best damn gay programming that has ever graced the small screen. So, without further ado, I present The Observationist TV lineup!

Show #1 – “Fire Island Shore” – The show will be like “Jersey Shore,” but get this: It’s gay! Muscle-gorilla-juiceheads all live together in one house on Fire Island, get drunk and do crazy stuff with their penises to one another! And when these guys talk about fist-pumping, we all know that it will have nothing to do with going out to a club and dancing to house music.

Show #2 – “True Blood” – A reality TV show that depicts the risks and consequences associated with unsafe sex. It will have nothing to do with vampires.

Show #3 – “How I Met Your Father” – A delightful comedy about a guy who recounts how he met his kids’ gay father. But get this: Because the kids are most likely adopted from a foreign country, you’ll never be able to guess the race of the father in all of the hilarious episodes to follow. And there will be one extremely sexually active character played by, wait for it – a straight guy! Genius!

Show #4 – “Everyone Loves Raymond’s Ass” – This actually is the name of a XXX production that I’m working on, but if that flops, it might just make for a hilarious comedy show where a dopey gay guy has to deal with his dysfunctional right-wing family. Cue the canned laughter right now!

Show #5 – “Gill & Wrace” – A show about a gay attorney, Gill, who lives with his feisty, redheaded roommate, Wrace. I’m not sure if it will be a success, but maybe if I throw in two side characters who have some fantastic chemistry (we’ll call them “Kack” and “Jaren”), who knows? This might just be a hit.

Show #6 – “CSI: San Francisco” – Each week, a team of homosexual crime scene investigators must solve sexy murder after sexy murder. There will be a lot of zooming in on random fibers and blood spatter that the investigators find on absolutely FABULOUS victims. Also, there will be a treasure trove of sassy quips used by the detectives such as, “Make sure we’re packing major heat to solve this crime,” and, “That corpse ain’t the only thing stiff in this room.”

Show #7 – “60 Minutes” – Although the premise of this hour long news show is already fairly gay-friendly (have you seen that super hot dude, Leslie Stahl?), I think we can really punch up the gay factor by having Andy Rooney on for the entire hour. But, as he complains about things like lawnmowers and rap music, he does it all naked. Pop some Viagra in him before we roll film and you got yourself one of the sexiest gay shows in history. I hope you enjoy the fall lineup! And, if none of those shows interest you, well, I guess you can always watch other gayfriendly networks  such as Bravo or Fox News. Happy viewing!

The Observationist is observing the community at all times to provide you with a unique point of view. To contact him, email editor@FloridaAgenda.com

Dating Do’s & Don’ts

By The Observationist

After three years of being off the market, I am single again and it is freakin’ scary. Oh my goodness gracious, let me tell you that I was not ready for the world of singledom. While I have to admit that I never really had any “game” to begin with, I have come to realize that my sex appeal has degenerated to the point of embarrassing. I blame the recession for this happening if for no other reason that it seems the recession is the cause for everything that goes wrong nowadays. Why is that baby crying? The recession. How come I am losing my hair? The recession. Why am I not able to have a successful first date? DEFINITELY due to the recession.

In an effort to get back into the dating pool (and with some metaphorical water wings), I have taken up trying to get advice from local experts, which I more commonly refer to as my slutty friends. While there is no way that I could ever keep up with them sexually if for no other reason that I simply do not have the time nor the energy between my pottery classes and river dance practice, they have reassured me that my busy schedule should not prohibit me from having a good first date. My skanktastic brothers have a few simple rules that I need to follow to prevent my date from running away from the dinner table while screaming, “Make it stop talking! My ears are bleeding!”

Rule #1: Brush your teeth.

When my friends tell me about this rule, I am inclined to breathe into my hand and sniff. When my olfactory senses detect that something smells either like bad milk or good cheese, I realize that you can never have enough breath mints or gum or breath mints wrapped in gum.

Rule #2: Keep it in your pants.

For all the perverts out there, I would like to clarify that I am not talking about someone whipping it out in the middle of a nice Italian dinner (even though that would definitely make the date memorable). I’m talking about your cell phone. Modern dating etiquette requires you to pay more attention to your date than the goddam Scrabble puzzle in your pocket. Unless your date is more difficult to endure than that totally not funny comedy movie, Precious, please just leave the phone alone.

Rule #3: Ask questions.

I’ve been informed that I have a tendency to talk about myself too much. In my mind, I thought that doing so was a good thing because I think I’m a very interesting person. My friends have informed me that I am actually quite uninteresting, and unless I try to feign the slightest interest in my date’s life by asking questions, I’m going to end up old and alone just like that crone Pamela Anderson.

Rule #4: Be on time. Period.

Rule #5: Be honest…but not too honest.

Dropping too many truth-bombs is not gonna do anything but blow up in your face.

When asked about your family life, maybe it’s better to hold off on telling your date about that horrible water skiing incident that left your mother grotesquely disfigured. Instead, just say that you have, “A very loving family life with no judgments about people who may be missing 35% of their jaw.”

Equipped with these five rules in mind, I might just be able to pull off a successful first date! Wish me luck because I know I’m gonna need it.

The Observationist is observing the community at all times to provide you with a unique point of view. To contact him, email editor@FloridaAgenda.com