Florida Agenda

ALEX VAUGHN

As New York approves gay marriage, there will be an influx of nuptials, from people who have been waiting many years for the right to marry, to those who are recently together and a whole host of other couples with different stories.

I wonder how many of them – or couples in general – are going at their relationship for the second or even third time. The saying, “Better the Devil You Know” is perfectly apt to the gay community. As relationships are so difficult to foster here in Florida, many people go back to or stay with their exes – as an outsider, you are flabbergasted “but they did this?” or “You said that?” or “They left your birthday party with someone else?” and one of  the all time top gripes, “They cheated in your bed?” Just a fraction of some of the shocked responses your friends and family will shoot at you when you tell them the great news that you and the love of your life are back together.

Before going back, there are many couples here whose passion has long since left the relationship, so they end up being roommates in essence, but they are tied to their exes by property or finances or, more often than not, the crippling fear that if they leave that house and that crutch they will have to really start all over again. By staying, they in essence have the option of trying out the world and its options while knowing they still have someone to come home to; this will work until one of you moves on, and by God you had better hope it’s you, because if it’s not, not only will you feel somewhat betrayed, but you will end up believing it was “you” not “him” who caused THE demise of your “perfect” union.

Why do we go back to exes? Well, first off, aside from all those promises of change, there may be the fact that they were your first true love (that’s always a tricky one). For your first love, you will forgive anything – cheating, lying betrayal – because you genuinely believe beneath it all is a good person, one that you love for all their faults. Ouch! Then, of course, maybe you are soul mates being tested, so you go back again and again praying each time will be different, because when you rise above it all you know you are perfect for each other.

Then there is the fact that in all your travels and experiences, you still, like in the Cher and Peter Cetera song “After All,” end up together, countries change, lives change, circumstances change and yet you always run into each other. These are all relevant, possible and real, but I believe more often than not it’s that, with all their faults, they are still a better bet than putting your heart on the line from the beginning again.

If you do end up getting away from an ex but get hurt by someone else, then inevitably you will question yourself “what does it say about me? Maybe I’m a sap, or fall for the wrong guys… or worse maybe it’s just me?” – when you think of it like that it appears safer to go back to an ex who you KNOW will hurt you, but you know how to be prepared for it. Once a cheater always a cheater? Well at least you know what you are dealing with; you can almost turn a blind eye. Maybe your former partner had a penchant for a different racial demographic … so you know to keep him away and put that mental block up when you see him talking to someone like that. These are all the trappings of going back to an ex. From the outside, it’s easy to see this as utterly absurd and not a healthy way to have a relationship, but inside that situation, it’s what needs to be done to keep an ex.

Aside from anything else, it hurts you and yet, the reality is, loneliness is so prevalent here not just because of gay relationships but because, as I have said before, making and maintaining friendships here is difficult.

So, surely a non-ideal-relationship is better than nothing at all? Well each to their own, I’d love to say, but I don’t believe that. I can’t in all honesty. Loneliness is hard and toxic relationships have their own comfort, no one else may understand them – you might not yourself — but they exist because in some way your ex offers you something you believe someone else can’t and this way you don’t have to risk it. Well, sure, but love is a gamble and sometimes you have to risk it.  Break free from the devil you know – you might meet an angel you didn’t.

The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love. – William Shakespeare

Alex Vaughn is the Editor-in-Chief of the Florida Agenda. He can be reached at editor@FloridaAgenda.com

Through Adversity to Blessings
Rajée Love is a Transgender Activist and a Motivational Speaker.

Rajee has, through dance, fashion, music and literature, expressed her creativity for a number of years. She danced as a regular dancer on Dance Party USA, hit the radio airways with her debut single “Stumble” and released three books.

You have become successful in the face of adversity; please tell Agenda readers your story.

From the age of 4, I felt like something was oddly different about me. At that age is when the kids in the neighborhood began to call me names like faggot and sissy. Throughout school they were relentless with bullying me; I was scared to tell my parents or my sister Kashmira because I felt very ashamed about it. In retrospect, my femininity was like the white elephant in the room. My father especially had a hard time with it and I remember feeling very scrutinized by him (before he passed away in 2004, he came to somewhat accept and he told that it didn’t matter anymore. That I am his child and he loved me.) From young, I felt a sexual energy from heterosexual men. In high school, I became quite popular due to my participation in a number of extracurricular activities, my extensive volunteer work with the American Red Cross and I was chosen as a regular dancer for the national TV show Dance Party USA. But there was always the stigma over me that I was a queerdo. I managed to graduate from high school and received the Humanitarian Award from the Philadelphia Federation of Teachers. Not able to deal with the scrutiny of my father anymore, I left home at the age of 21 and headed to South Florida. For some years I lived as an androgynous person and slowly my transgenderism came out on the physical. At that point I thought that my life had been extremely difficult but boy, did the road get harder.

You have had some very negative experiences when you started out, including some plastic surgery issues. Tell us some more about that.

About eight years ago, I was brutally beaten-up by some guys that targeted me for being transgender. Two black eyes, busted and bloody lip, my face swollen from physical blows of hatred and bigotry. They called me horrible names like freak! The names hurt almost as much as the punches! I was scared to go to the police for fear of being re-victimized. I went home.
Gut wrenching cries of hopelessness. Feeling like I don’t have the strength to go on. I wanted to kill myself. As I lay in my pain with an ice pack on my face, suddenly I heard a voice. The voice was soft but sound. It said “balance my child.“ This wasn’t a dream – more an out of body experience that was extremely vivid and spectacular. That was the major turning point in my life!
Another very challenging time in my life was when I experienced a bad reaction to black market silicone I had gotten put in my face. I began to get tumor-like nodules on the left side of my face. I felt like I was beginning to look like the elephant woman. Black market silicone is commonly done in the Trans community; it’s a quick and relatively inexpensive way to feminization. But I’m realizing now often times not without a price. For about 13 years, I have been speaking at many venues around South Florida for the Yes Institute.

How did you come back from this?

By the grace of God! I’m blessed to have a mother that has always been in my corner. Even when she was not able to understand me being transgender, her love and support has always been a constant in my life. Also Dr. John J. Martin has been wonderful. He said because of all the work I do with Yes he wanted to help me. For a small cost he performed surgery on my face to remove the nodules.

How has your writing helped you?

I have a total of three books published. They are The Windows to My Soul (a collection of poetry), The Hand I Was Dealt (Transgender novel) and The Writing of a Demi God (writings on my spiritual journey). I have always loved expressing myself through creativity and writing has been one of the vehicles I have used to do that. I have always had the burning desire to connect with the souls of people and I’ve found that my writing has afforded me the opportunity to do that. It has also been therapy for me.

How do you feel general attitudes towards the gay community and transgendered issues are changing?

We have come a long way. I believe that because we are getting more credible exposure in the media, society isn’t as ignorant about gay and transgender people. Also, with gay and trans protection being added to the human rights ordinances around the country people are held more accountable for the treatment towards us.

Why do you think support of transgendered individuals is so far behind acceptance and support of the gay community?

I think it has a lot to do with the way we were being represented in the media. We are often mocked and I feel people think we have taken it too far. Every society has their gender rules. The way a woman should act and the way a man should act in that society. So, when you are someone caught in-between, it makes people very uncomfortable. I had family members ask me why I couldn’t have just been gay. All we are trying to do is match our body with our brains. Scientists have now found that during pregnancy the fetus brain develops as one gender and the body develops as the other. So, a baby is born with the brain and body not matching. Hence, Transgender people!

What advice would you offer young people who are coming out, or discovering who they really are?

When I was growing up, GLBT youth did not have the resources that are available to youth today. Because of the lack of support, I felt very alone. For GLBT people, that can be our worst enemy. I would recommend that young people try and find some sort of support group in their community. I would like young people to know that it is extremely important to live your authentic self. That there is a freedom in that, and I also want them to know that it gets better.

What do you enjoy about being part of the community here in South Florida?

I feel that there is truly a GLBT community here in Wilton Manors (South Florida). As a very noticeable transsexual woman, I don’t think I would do too well in somewhere like Mississippi. It’s so refreshing to see thriving GLBT people living and working together in a community. All of the gay businesses are also very refreshing. As a transgender woman, often times I am afraid to go in to certain areas of the city. With Wilton Manors, I feel safe to walk down the street.

What negativity do you find here?

I do still notice some divide within the GLBT community. I would love to see all the labelling stop and more unity. After all, whether you are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender, we are pretty much in the same boat. More unity is what our community needs. Actually, I would love to see that for the entire world. I wish that everyone would realize that the beauty of this world is the diversity of it. We are all like flowers in God’s beautiful garden. I think of myself like a sunflower. They are oddly shaped, but so bright and beautiful.

You have had strong support from some incredible people, including Mother Theresa and The Dalai Lama.

It gives me great joy to share my creativity with people. Through my writing, music and presentations, I believe that I am fulfilling with divine purpose. I felt extremely blessed when I was acknowledged by Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama, as well as most recently the President and First Lady.

What is in store in the future for Rajee?

I intend to continue my advocacy and humanitarian work here in the GLBT community and the world as a whole. I would like to continue my speaking on a larger scale (possibly get signed with a Speakers Bureau) and get more acting roles in movies. After playing the principle role of Aunt Norma in the movie Bella Maddo, I have the acting bug. It would be nice to see more trans actors getting roles in movies. Bella Maddo was the first of its kind: An all transexual cast playing non-transsexual roles. Black actresses had to eventually stop just playing maids in order for us to now have actresses like Halle Berry and Angela Bassett. When I pass away, I would like to pass away knowing in my soul that I made a loving and positive difference in the universe!

Rajée lives in Fort Lauderdale where she is an activist for transgender world issues.

For information on her gender workshop presentations, contact the Yes Institute in Florida. Rajée also does a show on Youtube called T-Talk.