The other day, I was talking with my friend, Ray, about the Logo Television Network. While I appreciate that there is a network dedicated to gay programming, I have to say that the shows are pretty lame. While I give “RuPaul’s Drag U” credit for what it is, the rest of the television line-up makes me cringe. I mean, come ON! How many times do I have to watch a rerun of “Buffy,” and, even more to the point, when in the Sam Hill did “Buffy” qualify as gay TV? And please don’t get me started on that show “The A-List,” which only perpetuates every gay stereotype about dudes that are obsessed with money, looks and bitchiness. If I wanted to waste my time watching that sort of douche-baggery, I would move to LA.
Gays, I’m freakin’ bummed by this! We are better than defaulting on crappy reality TV that stars even crappier people.
These shows are predictable and downright boring! That is why, with some seed money (and no, I’m not talking about that “seed”), I would like to start my own network and have the best damn gay programming that has ever graced the small screen. So, without further ado, I present The Observationist TV lineup!
Show #1 – “Fire Island Shore” – The show will be like “Jersey Shore,” but get this: It’s gay! Muscle-gorilla-juiceheads all live together in one house on Fire Island, get drunk and do crazy stuff with their penises to one another! And when these guys talk about fist-pumping, we all know that it will have nothing to do with going out to a club and dancing to house music.
Show #2 – “True Blood” – A reality TV show that depicts the risks and consequences associated with unsafe sex. It will have nothing to do with vampires.
Show #3 – “How I Met Your Father” – A delightful comedy about a guy who recounts how he met his kids’ gay father. But get this: Because the kids are most likely adopted from a foreign country, you’ll never be able to guess the race of the father in all of the hilarious episodes to follow. And there will be one extremely sexually active character played by, wait for it – a straight guy! Genius!
Show #4 – “Everyone Loves Raymond’s Ass” – This actually is the name of a XXX production that I’m working on, but if that flops, it might just make for a hilarious comedy show where a dopey gay guy has to deal with his dysfunctional right-wing family. Cue the canned laughter right now!
Show #5 – “Gill & Wrace” – A show about a gay attorney, Gill, who lives with his feisty, redheaded roommate, Wrace. I’m not sure if it will be a success, but maybe if I throw in two side characters who have some fantastic chemistry (we’ll call them “Kack” and “Jaren”), who knows? This might just be a hit.
Show #6 – “CSI: San Francisco” – Each week, a team of homosexual crime scene investigators must solve sexy murder after sexy murder. There will be a lot of zooming in on random fibers and blood spatter that the investigators find on absolutely FABULOUS victims. Also, there will be a treasure trove of sassy quips used by the detectives such as, “Make sure we’re packing major heat to solve this crime,” and, “That corpse ain’t the only thing stiff in this room.”
Show #7 – “60 Minutes” – Although the premise of this hour long news show is already fairly gay-friendly (have you seen that super hot dude, Leslie Stahl?), I think we can really punch up the gay factor by having Andy Rooney on for the entire hour. But, as he complains about things like lawnmowers and rap music, he does it all naked. Pop some Viagra in him before we roll film and you got yourself one of the sexiest gay shows in history. I hope you enjoy the fall lineup! And, if none of those shows interest you, well, I guess you can always watch other gayfriendly networks such as Bravo or Fox News. Happy viewing!
The Observationist is observing the community at all times to provide you with a unique point of view. To contact him, email editor@FloridaAgenda.com