By JOHN BRISENDINE
The freaks and monsters will be out full force this weekend — and I’m not just talking about the ghouls for Halloween, either. The politicos running for public office, and their minions, will be making the last-minute push to get their message out to garner votes for candidates and favored amendments.
First of all, what the hell is Amendment 4 and why should I vote against it? A check of the website Florida2010.org is a confusing mish-mash that still doesn’t clearly tell me what Amendment 4 is all about. However, I sure as hell see the signs in many front yards proclaiming “NO TO 4!” I know a lot of us in Central Florida would like to say “NO TO to I-4” but I’m still confused about Amendment 4.
As for the candidates on the ballots, I hear so much negativity coming from all sides about the local and statewide candidates that I don’t want to vote for any of them. The Tea Party is the new movement at the forefront touting candidates who are against the Obama administration.
Do these goofballs, in their George Washington powdered wigs, even realize how silly they look strutting around and clamoring for a change? A change for what? I mean, c’mon already, let’s just keep tea bagging in the bedroom where it belongs!
As for some of the candidates, I have to go with my gut. Sure, I’ll vote Alex Sink for governor. She reminds me of a lesbian with her short haircut and uber-butch first name. Furthermore, I like lesbians. Alex Sink does not identify as a lesbian at all, and she’s definitely not, but when I see her on TV, she reminds me of one and that’s why she has my vote.
Her opponent in the gubernatorial race is Rick Scott and I don’t like him at all. He looks like those lizards that my cat Izzy chases around on my back patio. However, I do like his mom who has been in his campaign commercials. She seems like a nice old lady who probably knows how to cook up a great Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe I will just vote for her.
In the U.S. Senate race, we have hottie Marco Rubio running on the Republican ticket, after usurping Charlie Crist in the primary earlier this year. Of course, good ol’ Charlie, with his metrosexual spray tan, isn’t one to sit idly by on the sidelines when there’s a race to run. Instead of gracefully bowing out, he is all of a sudden an alleged independent. If Charlie were so damned independent, he wouldn’t have been a Republican for so many years. How is it that when his own party shunned him, that he finally got a spine? He’s a bigger flip-flopper than a fry cook at McDonald’s. At least, the flip-flopper at Mickey D’s produces a tasty product. Charlie has just spent too much time under the heat lamp to be considered fresh anymore.
Kendrick Meek is the Democratic nominee and he’s to be the man I’m leading toward. He seems like a guy I’d like to share a “Bay Breeze” with at happy hour.
I’m just tired of Republicans, Democrats and Tea Partiers. I’m just gonna say to hell with it all and start my own party and call it the Pajama Party.
On a final note, check out all the great costumes in the many Halloween costume contests this weekend at most of the clubs here in the Orlando area. The grandest contest of all takes place at The Parliament House this weekend. On Saturday night, October 30th, the grand prize winner of that contest takes away $1,000 CASH! On Sunday, the 31st, the winner take away $3,000 cold, hard, throbbing CASH! For more info, log onto www.parliamenthouse.com.
Well, with this update on the monsters on the ballot or in the nightclubs, I hope you get out to vote no matter what. Twisted Tom will be here next week and I’ll see you again on November 11th. Bye for now.