Dating Do’s & Don’ts
By The Observationist
After three years of being off the market, I am single again and it is freakin’ scary. Oh my goodness gracious, let me tell you that I was not ready for the world of singledom. While I have to admit that I never really had any “game” to begin with, I have come to realize that my sex appeal has degenerated to the point of embarrassing. I blame the recession for this happening if for no other reason that it seems the recession is the cause for everything that goes wrong nowadays. Why is that baby crying? The recession. How come I am losing my hair? The recession. Why am I not able to have a successful first date? DEFINITELY due to the recession.
In an effort to get back into the dating pool (and with some metaphorical water wings), I have taken up trying to get advice from local experts, which I more commonly refer to as my slutty friends. While there is no way that I could ever keep up with them sexually if for no other reason that I simply do not have the time nor the energy between my pottery classes and river dance practice, they have reassured me that my busy schedule should not prohibit me from having a good first date. My skanktastic brothers have a few simple rules that I need to follow to prevent my date from running away from the dinner table while screaming, “Make it stop talking! My ears are bleeding!”
Rule #1: Brush your teeth.
When my friends tell me about this rule, I am inclined to breathe into my hand and sniff. When my olfactory senses detect that something smells either like bad milk or good cheese, I realize that you can never have enough breath mints or gum or breath mints wrapped in gum.
Rule #2: Keep it in your pants.
For all the perverts out there, I would like to clarify that I am not talking about someone whipping it out in the middle of a nice Italian dinner (even though that would definitely make the date memorable). I’m talking about your cell phone. Modern dating etiquette requires you to pay more attention to your date than the goddam Scrabble puzzle in your pocket. Unless your date is more difficult to endure than that totally not funny comedy movie, Precious, please just leave the phone alone.
Rule #3: Ask questions.
I’ve been informed that I have a tendency to talk about myself too much. In my mind, I thought that doing so was a good thing because I think I’m a very interesting person. My friends have informed me that I am actually quite uninteresting, and unless I try to feign the slightest interest in my date’s life by asking questions, I’m going to end up old and alone just like that crone Pamela Anderson.
Rule #4: Be on time. Period.
Rule #5: Be honest…but not too honest.
Dropping too many truth-bombs is not gonna do anything but blow up in your face.
When asked about your family life, maybe it’s better to hold off on telling your date about that horrible water skiing incident that left your mother grotesquely disfigured. Instead, just say that you have, “A very loving family life with no judgments about people who may be missing 35% of their jaw.”
Equipped with these five rules in mind, I might just be able to pull off a successful first date! Wish me luck because I know I’m gonna need it.
The Observationist is observing the community at all times to provide you with a unique point of view. To contact him, email editor@FloridaAgenda.com