Editor’s note: In this unusual advice column a personal problem will be described and then Dr. Yakerty, a trained counselor and psychologist, will give his professional advice, followed by a counter view offered either by another psychologist, a reader like yourself, or just a blunt friend.
by Dr. Dalton A. Yakerty
The Predicament
“Don’t think my partner is cheating on me physically, but I think she’s doing it emotionally all the time. Is there such a thing as emotional adultery? She has a male best pal who’s straight, and they’ve been ‘like brother and sister’ since childhood. They speak almost in a code and share a history I can never compete with. If she was straight, they’d be a couple in a nanosecond, so I’m left feeling like the other woman even though she and I are supposedly the couple.”
My View
There’s no more self-serving argument among gays than the one over what constitutes “cheating.”
Some of us clock ourselves in righteous liberation, when we just want to get our rocks off with whoever we please, while others who are merely obsessive and controlling wave high the flag of fidelity. In both cases, one suspects the primary concern isn’t for the other, but rather our own wishes and wants.
I’ll leave the theological and moral arguments to your priest, rabbi or trendy shaman, but ask instead if there’s not a strong psychological basis for some type of faithfulness and exclusivity in a relationship, some common-sense approach that may be overlooked by many in the LGBT community.
Research and my own experience as a counselor demonstrate that those relationships work best, and last the longest, where there’s some zone of intimacy that’s exclusive to you and your partner.
That zone of intimacy has different aspects to it, i.e., being able to divulge your innermost fears, disappointments and dreams, sharing the most complete history of your family and inner actions of your workplace, being free to show your weaknesses and quirks, expressing your need for affection and sexual pleasure, and finally finding within a particular person your greatest fulfillment to love and be loved.
I knew two professional football players whose wives divorced them because they said that outside of sex, these two straight men found in each other all the other aspects of that zone of intimacy, reducing their wives to little more than sexual surrogates.
What the person describes in this week’s predicament is a little similar, because the zone of intimacy with her partner is reduced to only a portion of what she wants it to be. Are there people for whom a highly reduced zone is enough? Yes, but not likely for her and to this degree.
Emotional adultery is real and with the growth of social networks, chat rooms, and porn sites, the opportunity and temptation for it is only a mouse click away. The effect can be exceedingly corrosive because in the beginning it can seem so innocent and trivial. And that’s how most relationships end, not with a bang, but bit by bit.
Counter-View from a Reader
“I really connect with what this person wrote. So-called friends have messed more with my relationships than anything else. Rather than supporting your relationships, they can create tension. Jealousy comes more often from friends than from anyone I’m dating. If they’re single, they want you to stay single, and their advice is frequently built on self-interest. This male friend of your partner wishes you no good and as sure as hell you should worry what he’s telling her behind your back.”
Would YOU like to give advice in our next column?
Read the predicament below and send your reaction to DrYakerty@aol.com.
“There’s a big problem in the gay community that no one talks about, and that’s domestic violence or abuse, and it doesn’t just happen with male couples, but also with lesbians. Not sure why this gets hidden, maybe we turn away from anything that might give ammunition to the right-wing homophobes, but the result is that some of our gay brothers and sisters are left in abusive relationships with no one to turn to. Have you ever known anyone in this situation? What advice did you give him or her?”
