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Advice-versa: When Your Lover Is Bi-Sexual

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Editor’s note: We have an unusual advice column for you. First a personal problem will be described and then Dr. Yakerty, a trained counselor and psychologist, will give his professional advice, followed by a counter view offered either by another psychologist, a reader like yourself, or just a blunt friend.

The Predicament

“Okay Dr. Smarty Pants, answer this: My girlfriend told me she was bisexual from the get go and I thought I could handle that. But I can’t. It makes me twice as jealous and twice as insecure. No matter how good we’re in the sack, I feel she’ll always want something I can’t give her. Can a bi-sexual ever be faithful? Can a no-doubts lesbian ever be happy with someone who bats for both teams? It’s driving me nuts!”

- Chrissie C.

My View

Woody Allen once said, “the great thing about bisexuality is that it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” But you seem to be saying it also doubles the chances your lover will cheat on you.

Not sure if the math works that way in either case, but among the people represented by the letters GLBT, it’s certain we have less sociological, psychological, and biological understanding of bisexuality than we do for the others. We even lack a clear and commonly understood definition.

For some people the fact they can “perform” sexually with both genders means they are bi, but that wouldn’t be a definition accepted by social scientists and sex researchers. They’d want a distinction between “behavior” and “orientation.” Just because you can do both doesn’t mean you are both.

Alfred Kinsey, the famed sex researcher, said he never found anyone who was 50/50, but that some people, maybe even a majority, might be attracted to both genders, but they were still more oriented toward either hetero or homosexuality.

In talking about sexual identity among men, Christopher Isherwood, the writer on whose short stories “Cabaret” is based, succinctly observed that what makes you gay “is not who makes your dick hard, but who makes your heart skip a beat.”

Research does suggests that bisexuality may be more common among women than it is among men, but the important question isn’t whether your partner finds both sexes physically appealing, but rather if she feels a woman offers for her the possibility of a more lasting and fulfilling relationship, and more to the point, if she finds that possibility exist between you and her.

A totally open and honest discussion with your girlfriend on those questions will tell you far more what you need to know than any advice column ever could.

Counter-View from a Psychiatrist

Yes Virginia, there may not be a Santa Clause, but there really are bisexuals. It isn’t just a halfway stop to admitting you’re gay or an all-purpose license to be a philanderer. Bisexuals often feel they are equally misunderstood by straights and gays, and also equally discriminated against. Yet the issue may not be her bisexuality, but your insecurity and jealousy, for if those are traits in your personality they can no more be wished away than homosexuality can be prayed away. For any healthy and productive relationship, you have to learn to control those impulses, but it may very well be that’s impossible for you with anyone who is genuinely bisexual. If that’s true, face it for your sake and hers.

- Dr. Skinner

Would YOU like to give advice in our next column?

Read the predicament below and tell us what you would say to this person. The best one will be printed along with Dr. Yakerty’s response. Send it to DrYakerty@aol.com. Let us hear from you.

“My lover doesn’t accept he’s gay. He absolutely HATES being gay, but he won’t get any counseling for this. Says his feelings are perfectly normal. That it’s us who accept homosexuality who are the abnormal ones. Sometimes right in the middle of sex he gets disgusted with himself for being ‘that way.’ I love him but think I’m just begging for heartbreak if I get deeper involved. Is there any hope?”

advice Can you top this?

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Can you top this? The last Advice-versa column, on what to do when your partner gets too “kinky,” generated a lot of responses, a kind of one-upmanship on who’s had the weirdest experience in the bedroom department. We asked Dr. Yakerty to pick a few and offer his reaction.

Remember you can write to him at dryakerty@aol.com. He will reply.

Laying Head to Toe

“Learned the hard way you should know in advance what a guy is into. After we got into bed he informed me he didn’t do oral or anal OR kissing. The only way he could cum would be for me to lay with my head in the opposite direction so he could smell my feet while he masturbated. When I told him that didn’t interest me he screamed I was ‘a selfish jerk’ and he’d never go to bed with me again. Thank god!”

Talk About a Guy With Baggage

“Couple years back met this hot guy online and invited him to come visit me. When I met him at the Fort Lauderdale Airport he had the usual suitcase plus a steamer trunk at least five feet tall. I said, ‘you do know this is just for the weekend?’ He said the trunk contained some ‘costumes to juice up the sex.’ In three different sizes he had a state trooper outfit, army general uniform, doctor’s scrubs, priest cassock and so forth. That night he asked me to wait until he fell asleep then sneak into the bedroom dressed as Dracula and bite him on his dick. I couldn’t help it, but I just started laughing. Next morning he caught an early plane.”

Foxy

“Met a guy at a local bar who told me he could only ‘get it on’ if Fox News was playing loudly in the background. Where in the Kama Sutra does it cover that?.”

Public Faces in Public Places

“My partner got to where he only wanted sex if we were in a place where people might walk in on us at any moment — a public restroom, a park, under the desk at work. Tried to go along but when he suggested we have ‘full-court press sex’ in my parent’s sunroom while they were watching TV in the living room that was the finale for me.”

Turning the World Topsy-Turvy

“I think I can top your car exhaust story. When this guy insisted we couldn’t go to my condo, even though it was two blocks away, but had to go to his house, which was eight miles away, I should’ve known something was up. Turns out he can only get his rocks off if he’s hanging naked upside down (he had a trapeze over his bed) and wearing one sock … on his left foot! Cross my heart and hope to die, this happened.”

Dr. Yakerty responds

Jack Nicolson said God created Michael Jackson so the rest of us could feel normal. Sometimes I think we enjoy hearing kinky tales for the same reason. Kinky is so relative it deserves its own theory, and to my Aunt Fiona anything outside of the missionary position falls into that category. The truth is that for straights and gays alike there’s a lot that goes on behind closed doors that would shock and awe our straight lace aunts. From the beginning of recorded time there’s always been an extensive variety of sexual practices. Remember Adam and Eve had that snake. With that said, it doesn’t mean anything goes, because sex can be a sharp two-edged sword that can cut those who put too many limits on this natural impulse and also cut those who arrogantly think that limits don’t apply to them. I would suggest a healthy guiding principle is that both people find the act pleasurable on some level, giving more emphasis to “we” than “me,” and that it does no damage to either person physically or mentally. Being too loose can have the same effect on sex as being too uptight, it can lead to a caricature of the act where we’re left going through the motions without the emotions we so deeply desire.

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