By ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.
Just as individuals go through predictable stages of adult development, so do relationships. These stages precipitate conflicts as well as clashes of needs. Mature relationships often bring on a sense of boredom or a feeling that the individuals have “grown apart.” While commitment may be strong, communication may have deteriorated as a result of anticipated hurt and/or rejection. Often one or both partners feel trapped in the connection with strong ambivalence about staying together.
Many couples end up resigning themselves to an unhappy or unsatisfactory marriage. Others simply split up, seeing no way forward. A little talked about, middle-of-the-road option, is the so-called “marriage sabbatical” in which the individuals take some time and space to help balance needs for intimacy and autonomy. The indications for such a break are either a flat-lining of the relationship “energy” or a heightening of conflict on a daily basis. The marriage sabbatical may also be in order after attempts at sustained couples-therapy appear to fail.
The sabbatical is a trial separation of sorts, but it differs in that it is structured and purposeful. The sabbatical may take many different forms, depending on the needs, desires, and financial considerations of the specific couple. If a short time-out is all that is needed, separate vacations or a few weeks apart may do the trick. When the challenges run deeper, living separately for 3-to-12 months in order to assess one’s own path and his/her partner’s role in his/her life may be required. If it’s financially impossible to physically separate, try reorganizing your household space, including taking separate bedrooms, and a reassessment of the time spent together. Whether living separately or not, agreements regarding how and how often to communicate, how and how often to see one another, whether to have sexual relations together or even whether it is okay to experience sexual exploration outside of the relationship are all part of the sabbatical contract.
The hope is to break dysfunctional relationship patterns, gain perspective on the relationship, realize what your partner really means to you, create a context for personal growth and change, and find a balance between autonomy and intimacy that works for you. Couples need to communicate. When this isn’t enough, it is important to explore your options. This alternative to divorce may help couples who are “stuck” in dysfunctional relationships and need time for personal growth and development before making a recommitment to the marriage or moving on. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical, they do so with a new understanding of themselves and their needs and desires. The parameters for a marriage sabbatical are best negotiated and contracted with a well-trained and experienced couple’s therapist who understands the sabbatical process as an exploration, and not a separation.
When couples decide to divorce, they usually do so more amicably because the partners truly know why they are separating. The decision to move on then is more likely by mutual choice and therefore less victimization occurs. It has been my experience that couples who are mature enough and secure enough to negotiate a temporary break find a renewed sense of self, and with it, an ability to re-engage more honestly and lovingly, as they work through differences and/or re-energize the connection more easily and completely. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical, they usually do so with a new understanding of themselves, their needs and their desires.
ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.
Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a Licensed Psychotherapist and
Board Certified Sex Therapist in private practice on the
drive in Wilton Manors. He can be reached via email at
DoctorLeight@aol.com, by phone at 954-768-8000, or
online at www.DoctorLeight.com.