Long before tangled bed sheets, before the first kiss, before cocktails or a promising “hello,” there’s a cosmic element that draws two people together – one that may not require any words at all. But who knew it may be what you aren’t saying that’s costing you your health – and maybe your life? In the heat of passion, it isn’t always easy to ask your partner about their sexual history or health status. And the end result can be one of the 12 million new sexually transmitted infections (STI) reported each year.

Oddly enough, in an era where condoms are passed out in schools and shopping centers and sex is used to sell everything from bottled water to dental plans, it’s a wonder that so many of us have trouble talking about sex. But for those who enjoy a little verbal foreplay, choosing your words carefully can make the issues of protection a non-issue. By incorporating the mention of condoms and other types of barriers into your “flirt dialog,” you can set a precedent that tells your partner what’s expected.

If words escape you in the heat of the moment, there are a few options that may make it a little easier to negotiate the terms of engagement. Consider getting creative – using your mouth to slip on a condom can be a sexual turn on and leaves little to be discussed. However, the passion doesn’t always make its way to bedroom, so you may want to consider placing condoms in other areas around the home – or even car for that matter. The female condom, which is gaining more popularity and approval among gay men, is another safe alternative. One advantage is that the sexual recipient (the bottom) can place the device in place hours before hand and not have to interrupt foreplay placing in the device or bother negotiating safe sex practices with their partner.

Of course, like any advice, it’s always easier said than done, and sometimes we can make the conversation even more difficult throwing alcohol and drugs into the mix. Needless to say, our inhibitions and judgment are impaired with either. Studies report that 60% of STDs are transmitted when the partners are under the influence. Not to mention the numerous sexual assaults of women and men which occur while intoxicated.

But for all of the alternatives offered, there’s no substitute for the real thing. Having a direct conversation with your partner can eliminate a lot of dancing around the issue – and can actually make your sexual experience a more pleasant, worry-free one. Starting the conversation doesn’t have to be embarrassing or uncomf

ortable. You could start by offering your own status or preference, like “I’m STD free,” or “I only use condoms”. What you do want to avoid, though, are vague and uncommitted statements like, “I prefer condoms” or “could we use a condom?” This might give your partner the misconception that safe sex is an option – when it clearly isn’t.

Sam Knew, MSW is an educator and a local counselor. He can be reached at samknewmsw@gmail.com