Florida Agenda

By Christian Alexander

I was raised with faith – Roman Catholicism that is. When I was figuring out my sexuality, I was lead to believe I was going to burn in hell before I even got out of bed for having desires. Back then, they weren’t even desires – hell, I was 8 or 9 years old. Do you even have urges at that age? I just knew I was different from the rest of the small pack of students I was allowed to play with. The boys played their sports games with the other boys at recess, whereas I choose to play with the girls. What games we played, I do not recall. I just knew I was more comfortable with them than I was with the boys who seemed (forgive me Sister Eileen) hell bent on winning.

My eighth grade graduation was a turning point of sorts. No more nuns, no more priests, no more going to church every Sunday to go through the motions of an hour-long Mass of sitting, standing and kneeling. It was June and in 1986 fashion (before I appreciated what fashion was), I didn’t want to graduate in the typical blue blazer and plaid tie. I forced my Mother’s hand and picked out a suit more appropriate for the day – a la Don Johnson on Miami Vice. White pants, white lace up Capezio shoes, pastel colored shirt, and a stop sign red jacket to tie it all together. I had been to my Mother’s hairdresser that day and he Aqua-Netted my hair into a pre-Donald Trump do guaranteed not to move even through a hurricane.

Suffice it to say, I stood out like a Pink Flamingo at a Pigeon contest receiving my diploma. The girls thought I was awesome, the boys were jealous, and I couldn’t see any of it because I refused to where my Coke-bottle glasses as they would ruin my new look.

To the dismay of the Nuns, curious looks from other parents and stares from my school mates, I proudly walked up to receive my graduation certificate.

High school began in June of that year as was the custom and I found myself in a completely different world. My parents, long since divorced, could not agree to send me to another private school, so I found myself among the masses of teenagers who weren’t sure what was going on or where they were supposed to be, myself among them.  Gym class proved my breaking point.

We were supposed to choose what we wanted to take, and there was quite a variety. But no matter which I choose, I still ended up in a locker room with the other boys changing and showering. I felt extremely uncomfortable, yet I still wasn’t completely sure why. I just knew that I should not be in a room full of naked and half-naked boys bantering about who was the best hitter or kicker or whatever, when all my eyes seemed to do was glance towards their mid-sections and feel embarrassed because of it. Shortly thereafter, I ditched gym class altogether, having a family friend who happened to be a doctor write notes for me, excusing me from the rest of the classes. This same doctor, along with the help of an over worked secretary
in the Principal’s office, kept me out of gym class through the remainder of my years in high school. They offered me swimming; I quickly produced a note saying I was allergic to chlorine. They offered me softball; I got a note from Dr. Magic saying it was bad for my back.  The secretary I worked for loved it, I did her job in place of gym class and she got to take lots of coffee breaks. In doing so, I was able to divert my (I then thought) misplaced feeling for certain boys whom, shall we say, exceeded the others in the locker room and not necessarily in gym class.

This went on until graduation, (which I achieved with honors), and it wasn’t until years later, I began to question the FAITH I had been reared to know. If I was GAY, I’d burn in hell before I woke up. Had I chosen the path that had been laid before me, I probably would have married the one girl who had given me a “hickey” before I was 14. As the sands drift down to 40, I find myself wondering which path would have been better… a life of perfect lies, or my life of imperfect appearances.

Which path would you have chosen?

Until we meet again, Christian

ATLANTA, GA – CNN anchorman Don Lemon, in a statement released last week, came out as a gay man and dedicated his new book to Rutgers student Tyler Clementi

He wrote: “Today I chose to step out on faith and begin openly living my own truth. And let me say right up front that I hope many of you will be inspired to do the same thing in your daily lives.

Some of the things I’ve chosen to reveal in my book Transparent were very difficult to share with even those closest to me.

There was a time when I was terrified of revealing these things to the person I love most in this world – my own mother. But when I finally mustered the courage to tell her that I had been molested as a child and that I was born gay, my life began to change in positive ways that I never imagined possible. Yet I still chose to keep those secrets hidden from the world. I, like most gay people, lived a life of fear. Fear that if some employers, co-workers, friends, neighbors and family members learned of my sexuality, I would be shunned, mocked and ostracized. It is a burden that millions of people carry with them every single day. And sadly, while the mockery and ostracizing are realized by millions of people every day, I truly believe it doesn’t have to happen and that’s why I feel compelled to share what I’ve written in Transparent.

As a journalist, I believe that part of my mission is to shed light onto dark places. So, the disclosure of this information does not inhibit in any way my ability to be the professional, fair and objective journalist I have always been.”

Clementi was the Rutgers student who jumped to his death from a bridge last year after his dorm mate streamed his private business over the internet for others to see.

ALEX VAUGHN

As Miami Pride approaches, we are all feeling festively proud again, a lot of the attitude of pride is clear; to be proud you are surely ‘out’. Sure we see many guys on the floats, in the parade and parading around demonstrating it is safe to be out, and that they are out loud and proud. Showing those who are afraid, that there is a fun exciting and fabulous time to be had if you are out and proud. The question is do you have to be out to be proud?

I say no. Remember all the frivolity you see at Pride celebrations and even in the bars are not representations of the entirety of living your life “out”. One day out of the year (in South Florida granted it’s considerably more than one day with the range of pride celebrations) is great, but what happens the day after? There is still a huge class of homophobia and the ‘safety of the community’ is more often than not as encompassing as it’s made out to be. Don’t get me wrong, with amazing places like the Pride Center , that do offer fantastic resources for those struggling with the decision of coming out, a range counselling and support groups exist to help ease those troubled by the reaction of their friends and family.

I, however, am going to say it. There are many situations where coming out is not a good idea. I also don’t think your unwillingness to shout your sexuality from the rooftops demonstrates a lack of pride, but more an increased sensitivity to those you know.

Many people will argue; you can’t truly live your life honestly until you tell people you are gay. Well, straight people don’t HAVE to announce they are straight to be themselves, it’s just a given, and if  the base of all gay rights is to be believed and we expect to have equal rights, the right to privacy over our sexuality is surely one of them?

Many people go into coming out expecting the earth and are disappointed, or worse devastated. The messages that the community relies on often times fall short of reality. It is not necessarily better to be out. You could still go to bars, fool around even fall in love without having to make the big grand announcement.

It is up to you and only you. Hearing people suggest, or worse, bully you into believing because you haven’t come out you must be ashamed, is unfair and wrong. You know your friends and family best so you can decide and weigh up the fall out. If you want to come out for you then do it. If you are doing it for someone else, or worse because you feel pressured by your peers, take note that you won’t be any more proud and if it unfortunately doesn’t go to plan you could end up in a situation of deep resentment.

If and when you do come out, you can’t expect your life to be a big happy gay parade, there will be people who don’t accept you, you may lose friends or family as a result. In my opinion, it’s not always the right thing to do. Just look at the news; politicians and celebrities are always being “outed”, or coming out because they have been caught out in a bathroom or a park. The negativity surrounding it because they are married and or are fathers is swiftly and neatly cleaned up by a big announcement that they have to admit to the nation ‘who they truly are’.  Then a year or so of gay rights campaigning and bingo – no issue, as far as we are concerned they are out proud and happy. However what about the wife? We don’t see her on TV claiming she is so glad he came out, and is truly himself. I have heard many stories as I am sure you all have, where actually the man in question, the wife and the kids all wished he hadn’t come out and that the stigma wasn’t there. It’s a selfish act that won’t always bring happiness. If you are married or ‘on the down low’ take note of what you have and weigh up whether the big announcement is worth the potential cost.

If you do decide to go ahead, do it with as open a mind as you expect people to have. Don’t demand acceptance, don’t demand understanding, quite simply don’t demand anything. Offer time and space for those close to you to process. Remember they might be shocked or confused so give them some leeway.

I watched an interview with Portia De Rossi on Oprah the other day and she said her mother said she loved her and accepted her, but didn’t think she should tell people because they may not understand. She also said that she wished it was different but accepted her none the less. Portia said on national TV that her answer proved she was ashamed and that hers , and any parents answer to a child coming out should be ‘who cares’. I felt this was incredibly unfair, her mother told her she loved her and accepted her. That should be enough.

Be proud in Miami or wherever you are not just for pride, but always for who you are. Remember telling everyone who you sleep with or who you love is not a measure of your pride or self-worth, it is your privacy and if you chose to share it then do so. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Alex Vaugn is the Editor-in-Chief of the Florida Agenda.  He can be  reached at editor@FloridaAgenda.com