Two middle aged men looking for a long term, committed relationship chat on Match.com and decide to meet for coffee. Tom and Roger are both good-looking, intelligent, and personable. They have a very nice conversation. Roger is very interested in Tom, but Tom is less than excited. Of course Roger is hoping Tom would be interested in a second date.

Roger should:

(A) Directly ask Tom if there is any potential and interest in further dating.

(B) Ask Tom out for dinner on Saturday night without discussing interest.

(C) Do not discuss the future and wait for Tom to call and ask him out.

(D) Wait two days and if Tom hasn’t called, then call Tom to feel him out. Tom should:

(A) Directly let Roger know that he is not interested in further dating.

(B) Tell Roger he wouldn’t mind seeing him again.

(C) Not discuss his lack of interest and just hope he never hears from Roger again.

(D) Agree to another date only if Roger calls him.

How many times have we heard men say they are tired of the games that we play when dating? But then again, how often have we been just as much of a game player as others? How often have we chosen “A” when confronted with the situation above? Isn’t it always easier to skirt the expression of true feelings to avoid being rejected or avoid hurting the other person? Game playing or strategic dating sets you up for eventual emotional hurt and/or disappointment.

Authentic dating is about being honest. First, that requires being true to yourself about what you are looking for: i.e., what are your goals for dating? Are you looking for a life partner? Are you looking for casual sex? Is stability more important than passion? Do you want an exclusive relationship or an open one? Are you currently “available” for intimacy? Next, you must be honest with yourself about how you feel about the person you are meeting or dating.

It has been scientifically proven that we know within minutes—if not seconds—of meeting someone if there is the potential for passion.

Finally, you want to be totally honest with your date. If initially there is nothing there but you want to see if something develops—not impossible, but also not very likely— just say so. If you want to be dating a host of people and are not ready to be with one individual, say so. If you are only interested in this person for sex, say so. If you have no interest in another date, say so. If you recognize potential of any kind in this person, say so.

This approach is not for everyone— only for those who want an honest, authentic, and sincere connection with another person who has similar objectives. If there is a mutual passionate connection and both are looking for the same thing, the other person will not be turned off by you stating your feelings. If there is no passion for one or the other, or if the two of you have different dating objectives, what difference does it make if you scare the other personal away? The first date is simply about assessing the potential and objectives of each person. If there is no real potential, passion, or mutual objective, move on. If there is a mutuality of interest in the connection, then continue to date in order to explore values, compatibility, mutual interests, and sex. Building a trusting relationship of any type requires complete honesty, respect and authenticity right from the beginning.

He’s gorgeous. Tall, thick dark hair, beautiful smile, great body. Everyone thinks he is so hot, and he’s totally into you. You think he’s great looking and a nice guy. In bed he can’t get enough of you, but you’re just not turned on. Your friends think you’re crazy for wanting to stop seeing him. Let’s face it, he may be Mr. GQ, but he’s not for you. He’s simply not in your “Sexual Template.”

This is a concept in sexology described by renowned clinician Dr. William Granzig. Sexual Template is defined as the sum total of all erotic characteristics in others that create passion and desire for you. It first and foremost includes the gender of potential sexual partners. You are sexually interested in men, women, or both. The Template expands to include physical characteristics like height, weight, physique, and skin color. It includes demeanor such as attitude, voice, accents, masculinity-femininity, and gait. It includes body modifications such as tattoos, piercings, shape/style of beard, etc. Status, power, money, religion, culture, and race can also be a sexual turn-on.

Realize that we are not talking about what or who would make the “perfect partner,” but rather who creates a sense of erotic desire in each of us. Age is also an important factor in the Template, with most preferring others within five years of our own age. However, some people only get turned on by young lovers, still others only by lovers over 70. Often May-December relationships are judged as being about money. This is actually less likely than a simple Sexual Template match.

The Sexual Template is different for everyone. It may also contain inconsistencies. You may be turned on by black men as well as by blonds. The Template expands with age, so you will actually be erotically drawn to more “types” as you get older. The characteristics you add to your Template are added unconsciously.

Just like you did not choose what gender turns you on, you did not choose the other aspects of your Template. And—like being gay—once a characteristic is in the Template you cannot consciously remove it: it is there for life. There may be a shift in priorities, but if you were interested in men with beards when you were 18 you will be interested in men with beards when you’re 80.

The implications of Sexual Template are vital for making good decisions about partnering.

Just because you really like “Joe” and everyone else in the world thinks “Joe” is gorgeous, if “Joe” is not in your Template, sex is unlikely to get better with time. Another example: if you became sexually passionate about “Tom” when he had a beard and was slim, and now “Tom” is clean-shaven and heavy-set, sex may be difficult. You may need to talk to “Tom” about growing a new beard and losing some weight. This is not being petty: this is a realistic part of human sexual behavior. Learning to communicate about changes in sexual desire is an important aspect of an intimate connection.

Another important aspect of sexual template is understanding rejection. When you are rejected as a potential sex partner, understand that this is not about you. The rejection is directly related to the Sexual Template of the person doing the rejecting. And remember: he does not have control over his Template.

So, if you find yourself with the hottest guy in town, but he’s just not “doing it” for you, don’t fret: just move on. He’s simply not in your Sexual Template.

By ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.

Everyone gets a chuckle out of saying, “He’s going through a mid-life crisis” as if it is some childish phase creating an excuse for extra-marital affairs, buying a Harley, and going bungee jumping. The fact is, midlife course correction is an integral part of adult individuation, the process of becoming a complete and wholly unique individual.

The midlife experience in our social structure today usually takes place in the 40s, but can come as early as 35 or as late as 55. The period is characterized by a reevaluation of the life decisions made as a teenager or in one’s 20s. At this time there is often a realization through life experience that those early decisions were made for external factors rather than internal drive.

The decisions regarding career, home, and even life partner are often made to satisfy parental, church and/or societal expectation, or other persons of influence. For example, a gay person may choose to marry someone of the opposite sex because that is the expectation of his parents and the society-at-large.

The realization that one is entrenched in a life that does not allow for full individual expression of self can be very frightening and confusing. There may come a tipping point at which time the individual realizes that in order to grow into him/her-self, change is necessary. This is the mid-life “crisis” as we have come to understand it. Discovery that a relationship is not working after 15 years despite love, realizing that a lucrative career brings no passion or joy, and/or looking around at one’s environment to see that it does not reflect the person one has become–or wishes to become–can be devastating.

A few choose to go into therapy as a tool for sorting out the feelings of confusion, loss, and fear. Driven by a will to thrive and not merely survive, some will risk everything and choose to change all aspects of life in an effort to come to terms with the self. Others will choose to stay at the job or in the marriage and attempt to bring more of themselves into their current situation. Still others will simply accept stagnation, often living in despair and depression that is frequently accompanied by substance or alcohol abuse.

The argument is often made that leaving a relationship or job or other situation is unfair and selfish because it adversely affects others. There is no question the result can be traumatic to others of significance, hence the word “crisis.” I often ask clients struggling with coming out in mid-life and struggling with the prospect of leaving their families, what advice they would give their own children should they be facing this same dilemma? Would they like to see their children follow their hearts, be fully themselves, live their passions and realize their dreams, or would it be better for them to stay in relationships or careers or some other life situations that are not working and not allowing them to be all they can be?

Do all mid-lifers go through a crisis? It appears most adults who have met the basic needs of life—i.e., food, clothing, shelter, health care–find themselves asking if life is all it can be. Often precipitated by seeing others live out a dream, surviving the death of a parent, or becoming an emptynester, mid-lifers may ask: Is this all there is for me? Have I made my life all it can be? Am I living my life honestly and completely in alignment with an authentic sense of self? Many, if not most of us, push aside any thoughts of change realizing the risks, fearing the response of others, putting the needs of others first, or deciding the known is more comfortable than entering the unknown despite any possible self-actualization.

Whatever the life choice, it needs to be respected and honored as the path of unique choosing for each individual.

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Board Certified Sex Therapist in private practice on the drive in Wilton Manors. He can be reached via email at DoctorLeight@aol.com, by phone at 954-768- 8000, or online at www.DoctorLeight.com.

Just as individuals go through predictable stages of adult development, so do relationships. These stages precipitate conflicts as well as clashes of needs. Mature relationships often bring on a sense of boredom or a feeling that the individuals have “grown apart.” While commitment may be strong, communication may have deteriorated as a result of anticipated hurt and/or rejection. Often one or both partners feel trapped in the connection with strong ambivalence about staying together.

Many couples end up resigning themselves to an unhappy or unsatisfactory marriage. Others simply split up, seeing no way forward. A little talked about, middle-of-the-road option, is the so-called “marriage sabbatical” in which the individuals take some time and space to help balance needs for intimacy and autonomy. The indications for such a break are either a flat-lining of the relationship “energy” or a heightening of conflict on a daily basis. The marriage sabbatical may also be in order after attempts at sustained couples-therapy appear to fail.

The sabbatical is a trial separation of sorts, but it differs in that it is structured and purposeful. The sabbatical may take many different forms, depending on the needs, desires, and financial considerations of the specific couple. If a short time-out is all that is needed, separate vacations or a few weeks apart may do the trick. When the challenges run deeper, living separately for 3-to-12 months in order to assess one’s own path and his/her partner’s role in his/her life may be required. If it’s financially impossible to physically separate, try reorganizing your household space, including taking separate bedrooms, and a reassessment of the time spent together. Whether living separately or not, agreements regarding how and how often to communicate, how and how often to see one another, whether to have sexual relations together or even whether it is okay to experience sexual exploration outside of the relationship are all part of the sabbatical contract.

The hope is to break dysfunctional relationship patterns, gain perspective on the relationship, realize what your partner really means to you, create a context for personal growth and change, and find a balance between autonomy and intimacy that works for you. Couples need to communicate. When this isn’t enough, it is important to explore your options. This alternative to divorce may help couples who are “stuck” in dysfunctional relationships and need time for personal growth and development before making a recommitment to the marriage or moving on. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical, they do so with a new understanding of themselves and their needs and desires. The parameters for a marriage sabbatical are best negotiated and contracted with a well-trained and experienced couple’s therapist who understands the sabbatical process as an exploration, and not a separation.

When couples decide to divorce, they usually do so more amicably because the partners truly know why they are separating. The decision to move on then is more likely by mutual choice and therefore less victimization occurs. It has been my experience that couples who are mature enough and secure enough to negotiate a temporary break find a renewed sense of self, and with it, an ability to re-engage more honestly and lovingly, as they work through differences and/or re-energize the connection more easily and completely. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical, they usually do so with a new understanding of themselves, their needs and their desires.

ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a Licensed Psychotherapist and
Board Certified Sex Therapist in private practice on the
drive in Wilton Manors. He can be reached via email at
DoctorLeight@aol.com, by phone at 954-768-8000, or
online at www.DoctorLeight.com.

FACT: More relationships break up on Valentine’s Day than any other day of the year.

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about roses and romance, dining and dancing, sensuality and sex. The reality is often quite different. It is unrealized expectations that create a sense of loss and the realization that “my relationship is not what I really want it to be.” The hype around Valentine’s Day magnifies the emptiness and heightens the desire to have a more complete and fulfilling partnership.

The result is often separation and moving on.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe we got involved with someone who was perfect for us when we met, but we have a different world view now. Or perhaps the man or woman we once knew to be warm and generous is now cold, indifferent, or abusive. Sometimes the person who used to bring out the best in us now brings out the worst. It may be best to leave behind a relationship that is not working.

Then there are times when everything is working quite well, but the sexual connection is just not what it used to be or what it could be. It is true that the hot sex you had when you first met will never be hot in the same way, but that does not necessarily mean it cannot be passionate, new, different, and fun.

It always starts with communication. Talk about what’s going on–or what’s not going on. Let your partner know something is not working for you. It doesn’t get easier with time, so don’t put it off. Let your love for one another guide the conversation and not some resentment or hurt. It is important to express feelings without assessing blame.

Talk about how TOGETHER you can make your sex life work for you. The old idea of planning a date is a good idea. Do something you really enjoy doing together. It doesn’t have to be going out for dinner. Take a walk on the beach, that bike ride you’ve been meaning to take together or a long drive to a place that has special meaning. Set the tone for coming home to shower together, candlelight, and music. Shut off those smart phones and make each other your only focus of interest for the day or evening. Ask yourself if your work or other interests are more important than the connection with your partner. What does it mean to you if the answer is “yes”?

Often times our relationships have become so nice, the bed we share feels too sacred or just too boring for some hot, passionate lovemaking. Plan to go separately and meet at some sleazy hotel. Live out a fantasy. Bring some toys. TALK about what might be fun. Try something you’ve always wanted to do sexually but were afraid to ask. Step out of your comfort zone. Free yourself from the usual-after all, that’s just not working.

Find ways to break the rules. Use pornography or create it. Bring a video camera. Be a porn star for an evening. Talk dirty, breath hard, scream loud. Remember what HOT sex was like. Recreate it with your partner. Make out in public. Take it to the beach or into the woods. Try phone sex with your partner.

What about leather and/or lace? Don’t be shy; tell your partner what turns you on. Whips? Chains? Restraints? Why waste a good fetish by keeping it to yourself? Visit the local leather/fetish shop together and find some items that might be fun for one or both of you. There is also the possibility of bringing a third person in to play with you. This option can be very exciting and often works well to reenergize a sexual relationship. However, because of the many issues and challenges that can arise, be certain you have formulated parameters around how it will work–and that includes safe sex.

Finally, there are many couples who love each other deeply, but who have too many barriers and/or obstacles to re-igniting sexual passion. If it is okay with both partners to agree that the sexual part of their relationship is simply a part of the past, there is nothing wrong or bad about that. However, if one or both would like something more, there are workable steps that can be taken under the supervision of a trained clinical sexologist that may help. Any couple feeling dissatisfied with any aspect of their relationship that they can’t seem to work out by themselves should seriously consider asking for professional help. What is more important than a healthy and strong loving partnership? And what could be better than a healthy, strong loving partnership with good, fun, passionate sex?
Happy Valentine’s Day!

ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Board Certified Sex Therapist in private practice on the drive in Wilton Manors. Dr. Leight has written and lectured extensively on the topic of gay male intimacy, dating, human connections and relationships, and has been on the faculty of several universities.  He can be reached via email at  DoctorLeight@aol.com, by phone at  954-768-8000, or online at  www.DoctorLeight.com.

Watch for his new book, “Sex Happens: The Gay Man’s Guide to Creative Intimacy,” due out this summer

FACT:

More relationships break up on Valentine’s Day than any other day of the year.

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about roses and romance, dining and dancing, sensuality and sex. It is unrealized expectations that create a sense of loss and the realization that “my relationship is not what I really want it to be”. The hype around Valentine’s Day magnifies the emptiness and heightens the desire to have a more complete and fulfilling partnership. The result is often separation and moving on.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe we got involved with someone who was perfect for us when we met, but we have a different world view now. Or, perhaps, the man or women we once knew to be warm and generous is now cold, indifferent or abusive. Often the person who used to bring out the best in us now brings out the worst. Sometimes it is best to leave behind a relationship that is not working.

Then there are times when everything is working quite well, but the sexual connection is just not what it used to be or what it could be. It is true that the hot sex you had when you first met will never be hot in the same way, but that does not necessarily mean it cannot be passionate, new, different and fun.

It always starts with communication. Talk about what’s going onor what’s not going on. Let your partner know something is not working for you. It doesn’t get easier with time, so don’t put it off. Let your love for one another guide the conversation and not some resentment or hurt. It is important to express feelings without assessing blame.

Talk about how TOGETHER you can make your sex life work for you. The old idea of planning a date is a good idea. Do something you really enjoy doing together. It doesn’t have to be going out for dinner. Take a walk on the beach, that bike ride you’ve been meaning to take together or a long drive to a place that has special meaning. Set the tone for coming home to shower together, candlelight, and music. Shut off those cell phones, unplug the phone at home, and make each other your only focus of interest for the day or evening. Ask yourself if your work or other interests are more important than the connection with your partner. What does it mean to you if the answer is “yes”?

Often times our relationships have become so nice, the bed we share feels too sacred or just too boring for some hot, passionate lovemaking. Plan to go separately and meet at some sleazy hotel. Live out a fantasy. Bring some toys. TALK about what might be fun. Try something you’ve always wanted to do sexually but were afraid to ask.

Step out of your comfort zone. Free yourself from the usual-after all, that’s just not working.

Find ways to break the rules. Use pornography or create it. Bring a video camera. Be a porn star for an evening. Talk dirty, breath hard, scream loud. Remember what HOT sex was like. Recreate it with your partner. Make out in public. Take it to the beach or into the woods. Try phone sex with your partner.

What about leather and/or lace? Don’t be shy; tell your partner what turns you on. Whips? Chains? Restraints? Why waste a good fetish by keeping it to yourself? Visit the local leather/fetish shop together and find some items that might be fun for one or both of you.

There is also the possibility of bringing a third person in to play with you. This option can be very exciting and often works well to reenergize a sexual relationship. However, because of the many issues and challenges that can arise, be certain you have formulated parameters around how it will work, and that includes safe sex.

Finally, there are many couples who love each other deeply, but there seem to be too many barriers and/or obstacles to reigniting sexual passion. If it is OK with both partners to agree that the sexual part of their relationship is simply a part of the past, there is nothing wrong or bad about that. However, if one or both would like something more, there are workable steps that can be taken under the supervision of a trained clinical sexologist that may help. Any couple feeling dissatisfied with any aspect of their relationship that they can’t seem to work out themselves should seriously consider asking for professional help. What is more important than a healthy and strong loving partnership? And what could be better than a healthy, strong loving partnership with good, fun, passionate sex? Happy Valentine’s Day!

Just as individuals go through predictable stages of adult development, so do relationships. These stages precipitate conflicts as well as clashes of needs. Mature relationships often bring on a sense of boredom or a feeling that the individuals have “grown apart.” While commitment may be strong, communication may have deteriorated as a result of anticipated hurt and/or rejection. Often one or both partners feel trapped in the connection with strong ambivalence about staying together.

Many couples end up resigning themselves to an unhappy or unsatisfactory “marriage;” others simply split up seeing no way forward. A little talked about option is the so called “marriage sabbatical” in which the individuals take some needed time and space to help balance needs for intimacy and autonomy.

The sabbatical may take many different forms depending on the needs and desires of the specific couple. There may be a reorganization of household space, taking separate bedrooms, planning for separate time or separate vacations or even living separately for a while to assess one’s own path and his/her partner’s role in his/her life. There may be agreements regarding how and how often to communicate, how and how often to see one another, whether to have sexual relations together or even whether it is OK to experience

sexual exploration outside of the relationship. The parameters for a marriage sabbatical are best negotiated and contracted with a well trained couples therapist who understands the sabbatical process as an exploration and not a separation.

These sorts of alternatives to divorce may help couples who are “stuck” in dysfunctional relationships and need time for personal growth and development before making a recommitment to the marriage or moving on. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical they do so with a new understanding of themselves and their needs and desires. When couples decide to divorce they usually do so more amicably, because the partners truly know why they are separating. The decision to move on then is more likely by mutual choice and therefore less victimization occurs.

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD, LLC, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Wilton Manors.

For more information, visit www.DoctorLeight.com

Everyone gets a chuckle out of saying, He’s going through a mid-life crisis,” as if it is some childish phase creating an excuse for extra-marital affairs, buying a Harley and bungee jumping. The fact is midlife coursecorrection is an integral part of adult individuation, the process of becoming a complete and wholly unique individual.

Behavioral scientists understand that, while individuation is a lifelong process, there are three major phases of individuation. The first occurs at 18 to 24 months of life when the infant-toddler begins to move away from the mother and understands that mother is still available even when not visible.

The second phase occurs in adolescence characterized by a movement away from home and the family of origin. This phase paves the way for the young adult to establish his/her own home, partner and family, and career. The final phase is the so-called mid-life crisis. This period is not so much a crisis as an opportunity, but it can be catastrophic for those who are close to the middle- aged person going through “the change.”

The midlife experience in our social structure today usually takes place between 40 and 50 but can be as early as 35 or as late as 55. The period is characterized by a re-evaluation of the life decisions made as a teenager or in the 20’s during the adolescent individuation phase. By mid-life there is often a realization through life experience that those early decisions were made for external reasons rather than internal drive.

The decisions regarding career, home and even life partner are often made to satisfy parental, church and/or societal expectation or those of other persons of influence. For example, a gay person may choose to marry someone of the opposite sex because that is the expectation of parents and the society-at-large.

The realization that one is entrenched in a life that does not allow for full individual expression of self can be very frightening and confusing. There comes a tipping point at which time the individual realizes that to grow into him/her-self, change will be necessary. This is the “crisis” as we have come to understand it.

Discovery that a relationship is not working after 15 years despite its comfort, realizing that the lucrative career brings no passionate joy, and/or looking around at one’s environment to see that it does not reflect the person one has become (or wishes to be) can be devastating.

Many folks choose to go into therapy at this time as a tool for sorting out the feelings of confusion, loss and fear. Driven by a will to thrive not merely survive, many will risk everything and choose to change all aspects of life in an effort to come to terms with the self. Others will choose to stay at the job or in the marriage and attempt to bring more of themselves into their current situation.

Still, others will simply accept stagnation often living in despair and depression frequently accompanied by substance and/or alcohol abuse. The argument is made that leaving a relationship or job or other situation is unfair and selfish, adversely affecting other people’s lives. There is no question the result can be traumatic to friends, partners, family, co-workers and others of significance, hence the term “crisis.”

An important question to ask is how fair is it to these same people for the unfulfilled individual to stay with the status quo and live with regret and resentment? I often ask clients struggling with coming out in midlife and struggling with the prospect of leaving their families, what advice they would give their own children should they be facing this same dilemma? And what example would they like to set for their children? Would they like to see their children follow their hearts, be fully themselves, live their passions and go after their dreams or would it be better for them to stay in relationships or careers or some other life situations that are not working and not allowing them to be all they can be?

The question arises: do all mid-lifers go through a crisis? It appears most adults who have met the basic needs of life (i.e., food, clothing, shelter, health care) find themselves asking if life is all it can be. Often precipitated by seeing others live out a dream, surviving the death of a loved one or losing a job or relationship, mid-lifers may ask the questions: Is this all there is for me? Have I made my life all it can be? Do I live my life honestly and completely in alignment with an authentic sense of self ?

Many, if not most of us, push aside any thoughts of change, realizing the risks, fearing the response of others, putting the needs of others first or simply feeling comfort is more important than entering the unknown world of possible self-actualization.

Whatever the life choice, it must be respected and honored as the path of unique choosing for each individual.

For more information, visit www.doctorleight.com

The seductive allure reels you in; the insidious thorns tear you apart

By ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.

It’s a whirlwind romance. You meet the man of your dreams and he sweeps you off your feet with his charm, charisma and allure. He shows you effusive affection and makes you feel as though you are the most wonderful man he has ever met. He lets you in on all his secrets. You hear about his past loves (and there are many), but somehow this one with you is different. He appears to open his heart and soul to you, and you begin to do the same. The connection is so strong you are convinced quickly and completely that this is your soul mate. You can hardly believe this can be real and, unfortunately, you learn in time it truly is not.

Then it happens.

You are in love and he knows it. He starts to withdraw. He becomes distant and you wonder what you did wrong. You may find yourself withdrawing a bit yourself only to see that he comes around a bit. As soon as you begin to make yourself available again, he seems distant again. You approach him about this change in the “connection” and he seems to blame it on you.

But he’s not ready to let go of you quite yet. He sets up new boundaries to suit his needs and keep you at a distance. You get clues that he is dating someone else – he leaves a guy’s phone number somewhere so you’re bound to see it. He subtly puts you down and goes away for several days without calling you. He may tell you he wants to continue to see you while he dates others. You may even find him in bed with another man the day after you had the most romantic evening in your life with him.

This is the life of a narcissist, and you happened to get caught up in it. The narcissist is seemingly the most wonderful of men. No one has ever been this nice to you, and you simply cannot imagine that the love of your life could have some sort of personality disorder, and it is this very fact that makes him so dangerous. He’d do anything for you. He’s generous, caring, open, loving and full of life. Well, sorry to say, he is all of these things because more than anything else he needs to have others love him.

There is a huge void in the personality structure of the narcissist that results from early childhood wounds. Parents who were more concerned about their own needs than their child’s needs create a world in which the child has to figure out a way to get love and attention and have their needs met.

The adult narcissist has had a lifetime to consciously and unconsciously figure out how to lure others to give him the love he never received from his parents. Once he receives love in return it feels frightening, because true intimacy is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. The only love the adult narcissist understands is the one that is unavailable.

The biggest fear for the narcissist is abandonment. If the narcissist has fallen in love with the unavailable man of his dreams, and this man leaves him, the rage and/or depression will be unbearable. Even after the most devastating of rejections, he is quickly back to his charismatic self. And if your whirlwind romance ends, don’t be surprised to find him with his arms around another man within days, if not hours. You may have been replaced even before you were out of the picture. The sad truth is that men who fall in love with narcissists do so because they have some of these narcissistic tendencies themselves. And, let’s face it, because the narcissist is unavailable, aren’t we simply finding ourselves loving the unavailable – a person with whom we cannot share true intimacy? If this is your pattern, it may be something you want to look at with a trained professional.

The short-lived relationship was rocky at best. You initially thought this man was really for you. Thinking about him made you feel whole, happy and hopeful. He showed great interest in being with you. He had some great qualities, but right from the start you knew there were some “issues.” Being the eternal optimist you figured you’d work at it in hopes of true love, romance and relationship. You almost immediately felt a total emotional commitment. You found yourself thinking about him often – maybe obsessively – and projecting a life together. When the problems became greater than the “relationship” satisfaction, it ended with a feeling of relief mixed with disappointment. But now it is time to move on, and before you can blink an eye someone appears with great qualities and, well, some “issues.” Despite that why not see if this new man is “the one?” So you invest again only to find later you are ready to jump ship again. Within days of it ending, another “true love” comes along.

This pattern of obsessive-compulsive behavior is complex and multi-dimensional. The likelihood is that you feel empty and lonely without feeling the attention and love of a potential partner. The pain of each break-up is avoided by the emersion into the next relationship. There was likely childhood emotional neglect and/or abuse. By ignoring red flags or lacking filters to make wise choices, you are essentially asking for a repetition of childhood abuse, neglect and/or emotional pain.

Unconsciously you are repeating the family- of-origin pattern, which is actually familiar and comfortable compared with the prospect of true intimacy. The repetitive compulsion is an unconscious attempt to heal the wounds of childhood thinking that the new person will fully love you because of the interest shown upon meeting. It is this initial interest that is so alluring and bypasses your rational mind that might otherwise realize the prospective partner is not a good match.

The initial excitement of a relationship provides a brain chemical brain response that creates a high, which has the potential to be very addicting and covers up any feelings of loss or grief associated with the last relationship or childhood pain.

Despite the near desperation to be in a relationship, the pattern actually sets you up for future loneliness — the very feeling you are trying to avoid.

Here are some suggested steps to remedy the behavior pattern:

1. Find a therapist who is not invested in your desire to be in a relationship.

2. Take time off from dating to be by yourself; feel the pain of loneliness and be with the anxiety.

3.. Work on feeling good and complete about yourself. Remember, fulfillment does not require partnership.

4.. After a sufficient period of time, enter the dating world slowly and know what you want in a partner.

 5.. Experience dating without a relationship in mind. Don’t limit yourself to one person and don’t confuse interest from others with love.

6.. If you are going to date someone more than a couple of times, be sure they are emotionally, intellectually and sexually available and compatible. Learn to say “no” if there are red flags