Florida Agenda

By ARLEN LEIGHT, PhD

The short-lived relationship was rocky at best. You initially thought this man was really for you. Thinking about him made you feel whole, happy, and hopeful. He showed great interest in being with you.

He had some great qualities, but right from the start you knew there were some “issues.”

Being the eternal optimist, you figured you’d work at it in hopes of true love, romance, and relationship. You almost immediately felt a total emotional commitment. You found yourself thinking about him often–maybe obsessively–and projecting a life together way into the future. When the problems became greater than the “relationship” satisfaction, it ended with a feeling of relief mixed with disappointment.

But now it is time to move on, and before you can blink an eye, someone appears with great qualities and, well, some “issues.” Despite these, why not see if this new man is “The One?” So you wholeheartedly invest again, only to find weeks or months later you are ready to jump ship–again. Within days of its ending, another “true love” comes along.

This pattern of obsessive-compulsive behavior is complex and multi-dimensional. The likelihood is that you often feel empty and lonely if you aren’t subject to the attention and “love” of a potential partner. The pain of each break-up is avoided by emersion into the next “relationship.” At its cause, you may have been subjected to childhood emotional neglect and/or abuse. By ignoring red flags or lacking the filters necessary to make wise choices, you are essentially “asking for” a repetition of that childhood abuse, neglect, and/or emotional pain. Unconsciously, you are repeating the “family-of-origin” pattern, which is both familiar and, ironically, comfortable compared with the prospect of true intimacy.

The repetitive dating pattern is an unconscious attempt to heal the wounds of childhood, believing that any friendly interest shown upon meeting is an indication that this new person will fully love you. It is this initial apparent interest that is so alluring, bypassing your rational mind, which might otherwise realize the prospective partner is not really a good match. The limerance (the initial excitement phase of a relationship) provides a dopamine (brain chemical) response that creates a high which has the potential to be very addicting, and covers up any feelings of loss or grief associated with the last “relationship” or childhood pain. Despite the near-desperation to be in a relationship, the pattern actually sets you up for future loneliness–the very feeling you are trying to avoid.

To remedy the behavior pattern, you need to take some major, often painful, steps. These include, but are not necessarily limited to:

1. Finding a therapist who is not invested in your desire to be in a relationship.
2. Taking time off from dating to be by yourself. Feel the pain of loneliness if that comes up. Be with the anxiety. Time and your therapist will help you process these feelings and understand them–and yourself–better.
3. Working on feeling good about you. Fulfillment does not require partnership, and, indeed, to be a good partner you need to feel and be complete by yourself. Self love and acceptance are critical ingredients to bring into intimate relationships.
4. After a sufficient period of time, entering the dating world slowly. Don’t jump into a relationship with the first potential partner who shows you some interest. Have in mind what is important to you in a partner, and do not sacrifice Self at the altar of relationship.
5. Experiencing dating without “relationship” in mind. Don’t limit yourself to one person. Allow yourself to experience all different kinds of people. Have fun and take your time. Interest from others should not be confused with love.
6. If you are going to date someone more than a few times, be sure they are emotionally, intellectually, and sexually available and compatible. Learn to say “no” if there are red flags, if the person is not right for you, or if you find you are giving up parts of you for the sake of a potential partner.
The revolving door of hopeless romanticism keeps you going in circles, never realizing your desire for true intimacy. Get some help and start moving in the direction of your dreams.

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Board Certified Sex Therapist in private practice on the drive in Wilton Manors. Dr. Leight has written and lectured extensively on the topic of gay male intimacy, dating, human connections and relationships, and has been on the faculty of several universities.  He can be reached via email at  DoctorLeight@aol.com, by phone at  954-768-8000, or online at  www.DoctorLeight.com.

Watch for his new book, “Sex Happens: The Gay Man’s Guide to Creative Intimacy,” due out this summer

As summer approaches its calendar end, we wanted to share some of your feedback on issues and opinions raised in this column over the summer, to give more of you a chance to disagree or add to what Dr.Yakerty or others said.

When Your Lover Gets Too Kinky

“In spite of our area having a rep for being liberated and oh so open minded, I find it impossible to meet anyone who isn’t vanilla from top to bottom. If your lover is too kinky, I sure wish you would send him over to me.”

“The trouble with getting your kicks with kink is that you have to keep outdoing yourself, and sooner or later you’re at a place that’s too creepy even for
the most non-conformist of us. At least that’s what happen with my ex and I.”

When Your Love is Bi-Sexual

“I know you say there really are bisexuals, and maybe that’s true, but most of the time I just think it’s a stopping place on your way out of the closet, or a pathetic justification for keeping your pants permanently unzipped.”

“Thanks for saying that bisexuality really does exist. I wish more people knew that ’cause there’s as much prejudice in the gay community against us bisexuals as there’s against homosexuals at a Southern Baptist revival.”

When Your Lover Hates Being Gay

“I also had a boyfriend who went into ex-gay therapy and refused all communications with me, so I moved on. Two years later he comes knocking on my door saying he wants to get back together, that it isn’t working with his wife and child. I introduced him to my new partner and told him to f#*k off. God, did that feel good.”

“I have no trouble accepting I’m gay, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept everything in the gay community. There’s some real unhealthy attitudes and behavior around here, some obsession with the superficial, and being against those things doesn’t mean I’m anti-gay.”

When you fear you’re settling for too little in a relationship

(this column got more email than any other, with readers expressing strong opinion on all sides)

“What a weak sister is that jerk. Someone should wake up that Cinderfella and tell him Prince Charming doesn’t exist!” (a lot of email made fun of the person who sent in this predicament, calling him “naive” and “cotton-candy headed.”) “Here’s where I think people who think porn is bad have a point. Somewhere in puberty guys start watching porn on the Internet and they think that’s what sex is suppose to be like, so when (their) boyfriend doesn’t live up to the intense gymnastics or the measuring stick of paid porn stars, they think they are “settling” for less than they should.”

“I hate being alone so I was determined to have a partner, but discovered that settling for a poor relationship is worst than being alone.”

(Please remember I said both low expectations and high expectations can be wrong-headed and can lead to frustrating and dead-end relationships.

You don’t want to switch one extreme for the other. The goal is to have balance, to be in touch with what is both fair and good to expect.)

Is there such a thing as emotional adultery?

“What you said is a bunch of hooey! Jeez, I hope (her partner) doesn’t read what you said. She already gets jealous up the kazoo if my eyes should even spot another
gal. She insists we hang totally around men since she thinks no female can be trusted. She not only wants to control my (genitalia) but my brain waves! We need a more limited definition of cheating, not a damn bigger one.”

We really do want to hear from the readers of this column.

Editor’s note: In this unusual advice column a personal problem will be described and then Dr. Yakerty, a trained counselor and psychologist, will give his professional advice, followed by a counter view offered either by another psychologist, a reader like yourself, or just a blunt friend.

by Dr. Dalton A. Yakerty

The Predicament

“Don’t think my partner is cheating on me physically, but I think she’s doing it emotionally all the time.  Is there such a thing as emotional adultery?  She has a male best pal who’s straight, and they’ve been ‘like brother and sister’ since childhood.  They speak almost in a code and share a history I can never compete with.  If she was straight, they’d be a couple in a nanosecond, so I’m left feeling like the other woman even though she and I are supposedly the couple.”

My View

There’s no more self-serving argument among gays than the one over what constitutes “cheating.”

Some of us clock ourselves in righteous liberation, when we just want to get our rocks off with whoever we please, while others who are merely obsessive and controlling wave high the flag of fidelity.  In both cases, one suspects the primary concern isn’t for the other, but rather our own wishes and wants.

I’ll leave the theological and moral arguments to your priest, rabbi or trendy shaman, but ask instead if there’s not a strong psychological basis for some type of  faithfulness and exclusivity in a relationship, some common-sense approach that may be overlooked by many in the LGBT community.

Research and my own experience as a counselor demonstrate that those relationships work best, and last the longest, where there’s some zone of intimacy that’s exclusive to you and your partner.

That zone of intimacy has different aspects to it, i.e., being able to divulge your innermost fears, disappointments and dreams, sharing the most complete history of your family and inner actions of your workplace, being free to show your weaknesses and quirks, expressing your need for affection and sexual pleasure, and finally finding within a particular person your greatest fulfillment to love and be loved.

I knew two professional football players whose wives divorced them because they said that outside of sex, these two straight men found in each other all the other aspects of that zone of intimacy, reducing their wives to little more than sexual surrogates.

What the person describes in this week’s predicament is a little similar, because the zone of intimacy with her partner is reduced to only a portion of  what she wants it to be.  Are there people for whom a highly reduced zone is enough?  Yes, but not likely for her and to this degree.

Emotional adultery is real and with the growth of social networks, chat rooms, and porn sites,  the opportunity and temptation for it is only a mouse click away.  The effect can be exceedingly corrosive because in the beginning it can seem so innocent and trivial.  And that’ s how mo

st relationships end, not with a bang, but bit by bit.

Counter-View from a Reader

“I really connect with what this person wrote.  So-called friends have messed more with my relationships than anything else.  Rather than supporting your relationships, they can create tension.  Jealousy comes more often from friends than from anyone I’m dating.  If they’re single, they want you to stay single, and their advice is frequently built on self-interest.  This male friend of your partner wishes you no good and as sure as hell you should worry what he’s telling her behind your back.”

Would YOU like to give advice in our next column?

Read the predicament below and send your reaction to DrYakerty@aol.com.

“There’s a big problem in the gay community that no one talks about, and that’s domestic violence or abuse, and it doesn’t just happen with male couples, but also with lesbians. Not sure why this gets hidden, maybe we turn away from anything that might give ammunition to the right-wing homophobes, but the result is that some of our gay brothers and sisters are left in abusive relationships with no one to turn to.  Have you ever known anyone in this situation?  What advice did you give him or her?”

Editor’s note: In this unusual advice column a personal problem will be described and then Dr.

By Dr. Dalton A. Yakerty

The Predicament
“My lover doesn’t accept he’s gay.  He absolutely HATES being gay, but he won’t get any counseling for this.  Says his feelings are

perfectly normal.  That it’s us who accept homosexuality who are the abnormal ones.  Sometimes right in the middle of sex he gets disgusted with himself for being ‘that way’ and jumps outta bed as if I have the plague.  I love him but think I’m just begging for heartbreak if I get deeper involved.  Is there any hope?”

My View
There are at least two big questions raised by this predicament and the counter view.

First, is it possible for someone to change their sexual orientation as ex-gay ministries claim?

Just last year, the American Psychological Association concluded after a new and comprehensive review of research and papers from both sides that such therapies and those who advocate them “have not produced any scientific research to substantiate their claims of  ‘cure.”   Yet there’s hard evidence such reparative therapies can do physical and psychological harm to the individual.

Also the American Psychological Association, as well as other scientific groups, have stated there’s no need for a “cure,” since homosexuality is not a disease or a mental disorder.

Even some of the ex-gay ministries no longer claim they can change someone’s orientation to the opposite sex, but only that they can program you so you are repulsed by the idea of same gender relations and therefore will no longer act on these desires.  In other words, they can turn you into someone who can no longer love anyone physically.

Secondly, is it possible for someone with negative views about homosexuality to change those attitudes?  The answer to that is definitely yes.

You don’t have a choice over your basic sexual orientation, but you do have a choice over what meaning you give to it.

Granted our homophobic society, it’s understandable gays would absorb some negative images, but for most people those fade as they learn personally the facts from the lies, and have the stereotypes shattered by being exposed to the wide variety of personalities and lifestyles within the GLBT community.  When all that happens, Gay Pride is no longer just a slogan.

And keep in mind that being gay is only one of the things you are.

Assuming your lover already knows these truths and yet is still unwilling to examine or doubt his attitude with you or any professional counselor, then I’m afraid there doesn’t appear to be a realistic hope for much change in the near future.

As a wise old woman once told me,  “Unless you accept who you are, you’ll miss happiness by far.”

Counter-View from a Reader
“Maybe to your other readers this is a hypothetical situation to B.S. over, but it was a hell I lived through. My former partner hated himself for loving another man.  I also urged him to see a therapist and he finally agreed.  A few weeks later I came home and found a note saying he’d gone to a counselor at a certain church on highway 1 and they were sending him to an ex-gay ministry camp called Exodus International that would save him from ‘this terrible infliction.’  All my efforts to contact him failed and to this day I don’t know what happened to him, and also to this day I keep thinking what could I’ve done differently to make it turn out differently. The answer always comes back … nothing.”
Would YOU like to give advice in our next column?
Read the predicament below and tell us what you would say to this person.  The best one will be printed along with Dr. Yakerty’s response.  Send it to DrYakerty@aol.com

“What do you do if the person who makes you the happiest doesn’t make you happy enough? We’ve been dating a year and he wants me to move in with him, so it’s crunch time.  Do I settle for a relationship that’s less than I want?  I don’t want to do that.  I see too many guys around Fort Lauderdale who do that.  But what if  I’m throwing away the best relationship I’ll ever have for something I’ll never have.  Help me before I make a big mistake.”

Editor’s note: We have an unusual advice column for you. First a personal problem will be described and then Dr. Yakerty, a trained counselor and psychologist, will give his professional advice, followed by a counter view offered either by another psychologist, a reader like yourself, or just a blunt friend.

The Predicament

“Okay Dr. Smarty Pants, answer this: My girlfriend told me she was bisexual from the get go and I thought I could handle that. But I can’t. It makes me twice as jealous and twice as insecure. No matter how good we’re in the sack, I feel she’ll always want something I can’t give her. Can a bi-sexual ever be faithful? Can a no-doubts lesbian ever be happy with someone who bats for both teams

? It’s driving me nuts!”

- Chrissie C.

My View

Woody Allen once said, “the great thing about bisexuality is that it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” But you seem to be saying it also doubles the chances your lover will cheat on you.

Not sure if the math works that way in either case, but among the people represented by the letters GLBT, it’s certain we have less sociological, psychological, and biological understanding of bisexuality than

we do for the others. We even lack a clear and commonly understood definition.

For some people the fact they can “perform” sexually with both genders means they are bi, but that wouldn’t be a definition accepted by social scientists and sex researchers. They’d want a distinction between “behavior” and “orientation.” Just because you can do both doesn’t mean you are both.

Alfred Kinsey, the famed sex researcher, said he never found anyone who was 50/50, but that some people, maybe even a majority, might be attracted to both genders, but they were still more oriented toward either hetero or homosexuality.

In talking about sexual identity among men, Christopher Isherwood, the writer on whose short stories “Cabaret” is based, succinctly observed that what makes you gay “is not who makes your dick hard, but who makes your heart skip a beat.”

Research does suggests that bisexuality may be more common among women than it is among men, but the important question isn’t whether your partner finds both sexes physically appealing, but rather if she feels a woman offers for her the possibility of a more lasting and fulfilling relationship, and more to the point, if she finds that possibility exist between you and her.

A totally open and honest discussion with your girlfriend on those questions will tell you far more what you need to know than any advice column ever could.

Counter-View from a Psychiatrist

Yes Virginia, there may not be a Santa Clause, but there really are bisexuals. It isn’t just a halfway stop to admitting you’re gay or an all-purpose license to be a philanderer. Bisexuals often feel they are equally misunderstood by straights and gays, and also equally discriminated against. Yet the issue may not be her bisexuality, but your insecurity and jealousy, for if those are traits in your personality they can no more be wished away than homosexuality can be prayed away. For any healthy and productive relationship, you have to learn to control those impulses, but it may very well be that’s impossible for you with anyone who is genuinely bisexual. If that’s true, face it for your sake and hers.

- Dr. Skinner

Would YOU like to give advice in our next column?

Read the predicament below and tell us what you would say to this person. The best one will be printed along with Dr. Yakerty’s response. Send it to DrYakerty@aol.com. Let us hear from you.

“My lover doesn’t accept he’s gay. He absolutely HATES being gay, but he won’t get any counseling for this. Says his feelings are perfectly normal. That it’s us who accept homosexuality who are the abnormal ones. Sometimes right in the middle of sex he gets disgusted with himself for being ‘that way.’ I love him but think I’m just begging for heartbreak if I get deeper involved. Is there any hope?”