WHY ARE THEY SENDING BOYS TO DO a man’s job trying to fill that hole in the ocean leaking all that oil? They should give credit where credit is due and send in some Gay men to plug up that big hole.

I HATE THE FACT THAT MY ASSIGNED parking spot is under a tree that drops nasty tree shit on my car every day. Carwashes are now officially pointless.

IF OBAMA REALLY wanted to get all the gays out of the military, he would send Lady Gaga to Afghanistan to perform for the troops. All the boys in the front row would clearly have outed themselves.

I HOPE THEY DO PUT SHADE TREES on Wilton Drive, cause I’m tired of seeing all those fatties hanging out in the parking lot with their shirts off. Some nice trees would block my view beautifully. ANOTHER SEX CLUB OPENING IN Miami? There’s not enough dick to go in all those glory holes.

THANKS FOR COMING HOME WITH gonorrhea. Was it payback for that time I told you not to come home with that cat?

YOUR BOOTS LOOKED VERY NICE AS you were kicking me in the nuts while I laid on the ground.

IF YOUR ADAM PROFILE SAYS ANYthing goes and your into pig play, I have a tough time believing your status is actually negative.

I HAD THE BEST WEEKEND EVER, because your screeching ass voice was out of town! Finally….silence.

I’M GLAD YOU WALKED OUT OF Rosie’s quickly and didn’t see who was sitting at that table. Because we all know if you would have seen Marky Mark and the Funky bunch, shit woulda hit the fan.

WHY DO ALL MY boyfriends want to have threesomes and then end up leaving me for the trick in the end? Can I really not keep a man?

YOUR POOL PARTY WAS JUNKY AND I hope you know I don’t care that you didn’t invite me. I had a foursome with some of the hottest 50-year-olds in FTL while you spent the weekend having little twink boys steal your alcohol and cock tease you. Act your age for a change.

I THINK I SOLD YOU SOME BAD greens. My bad. Come back to my place and I’ll power bottom for you to make up for it.

OBAMA’S MAMA WOULD NOT BE proud of him today. Your mama would not be proud of you either. Now put your pants on and get out of my house.

QUIT TEXTING MY MAN, BECAUSE next time I see you out, I’m going to break your precious little iPhone. I am not the one you want to f with.

YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO THE bathroom but instead I saw you stop and hug him three times and kiss him on the lips twice. I hate him, but I’m even more disappointed in you for ruining the best week we’ve ever had. Was it also necessary to hug him again at the next bar? How many hugs does one person need in one night?

YES I’M A BIG queen in real life but when we get to the bedroom, I’m all top honey. All I want in my life is to date a top-acting bottom. I know you’re out there ladies.

YOU AND YOUR boyfriend were the worst threesome I ever had. You came in less than a minute and your boyfriend wasn’t even hard while I was penetrating him. I mean come on. I got out of there so quickly.

I’M FAT AND BITCHY AND I LIKE IT like that. I’m always dramatic, force friendships on you and don’t ever shut up. If you don’t like it I will just throw a tantrum and then talk shit about you when you are not around.

TO ALL YOU BOYS OUT THERE WHO think that just because you have a six-pac means you can treat me like garbage, well you’re wrong. I may not be a mister universe, but I know my personality and hard work will eventually pay off while you will still be turning tricks outside the strip club. The best part of leaving this town is deleting all you bitches from Facebook. See ya later losers!

YOU THINK YOU CAN BE IMMATURE and standoffish around me? I am way better at it than you are. I’ll ignore you the rest of your natural life. And if you ever butt into my conversation ever again, I’ll rip that tongue right out of your throat.

SO YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU are acting a little less psycho, I’m going to forgive you for all those times. I barely knew you when you turned your back on me. Don’t think I forgive and forget that easily, baby, cause I don’t.

IT’S CUTE THAT YOU tell me that you love me and miss me so much. Guess what we are not getting back together. I am having too much fun getting f***ed in the bushes to waste my time on a bland sex life with you.

IT’S FUNNY THAT ALL THE PEOPLE who support the Arizona immigration bill are white. Lets see if they still support it if cops were asking them for their identification papers.

WHEN YOU HAVE THREE NAMES that all sound like first names, I don’t know what to call you? And don’t get offended when I use the wrong one. Jerk.

YOU ARE THE PERFECT SELF-PRO moter. Next time promote yourself with your pants on.

DO YOU WANT ME TO START MAKING a chores list for you? You need to get off your lazy ass and take out the garbage.

YOU SAY THAT YOU AREN’T CHEATing… but you are carrying Viagra around in your wallet?

DON’T TAKE MY FRIEND AWAY, SHE’S all that I got

I HATE WHEN YOU ARE FINALLY comfortable with something and some man has to come and rip it all away. I was happy with my single life and the way things were, I don’t need your love.

SO YOU THINK YOU are the All-American Sweetheart? Well I got news for you Sally, you ain’t as liked as you think you is.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU A TOUPEE or perhaps a 1980’s mullet wig for your bald head.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH HATE IN this town? Can’t we all just get a bong?

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST LEFT ME like that. You were like the little elf man to my Santa Claus. How the hell am I supposed to raise this baby without you? I’m sick of holding the poop bag.

THE SWEET SMELL OF CIGARETTES in your hair does not float through the office anymore. I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE F*** UP!!!! Don’t open your mouth about things you weren’t around for and don’t talk about the past like you would have done things differently. While you were busy growing up, I was busy taking care of your worthless ass.

HOW’S ABOUT I COME OVER THERE and beat your face in?

I’M MOVING TO TEXAS, BECAUSE this shit is so bananas. This is even more bananas than the circus.

WHO THE FRUITCAKE wants to go to gay days this year? That obnoxious overly hyped junky fest is the last place you will catch me in June.

YOU SMIRK ALL DAY, AND YOU think I don’t really know what’s going on inside of that head of yours. You’re just a scared little boy, who is one step away from packing things in and going home to cry to mommy. When you find your nutsack again, let me know.

KARAOKE IS THE GAYEST THING ever. I’d rather bottom 12 times in one night than have to listen to you sing karaoke again.

WHY IS IT YOU ONLY CALL ME when your computer is broken or you need your dick sucked?

I AM THAT IMPORTANT. I CAN BE selfish if I want to. You have to listen to everything I ever say because I am the best thing you have ever had.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE never had an addiction, STFU, your advice was not requested. Quitting smoking is extremely hard to do. If you say one more condescending thing to me about it, I will light you up and smoke your dumb ass.

YOU SAY YOU MISS ME AND DON’T want to lose my friendship, well, pick up a motherf*cking phone and prove it.

THE REASON NO ONE LISTENS TO the radio anymore is because you play the same six crappy songs over and over and over. Bieber, Black Eyed Peas, Ke$ha, Gaga, John Mayer and Kris Allen. Its painful already! There are other musicians out there, I promise you.

I AM SICK OF GIVING HEAD! SICK of it! Just put it in already.

YOU SAY YOU ARE GOOD WITH your hands, prove it already?

WHY IS EVERY PRIDE THE EXACT same? Same booths, same people hocking me their crap, same stupid half-rate gay celebrities, same shirtless dudes who shouldn’t be shirtless. It’s like we are stuck in a Pride groundhog’s day. Can’t we do something different for a change?

I WAS SO PROUD TO CELEBRATE with my fellow LGBTers this past weekend. Wow, 30K came out. I cannot believe how amazing our community is down here. Way to go us! See ya’ll at Stonewall!

WHEN I WENT TO PROM I TOOK MY brothers boyfriend. That bitch in Mississippi needs to shut up, take a man to prom and then go have dykey love sex in the bathroom. Its not that hard.

HEY PRESIDENT OBAMA, I’M SURE your mama who believed in free rights for all including marrying a black man would not be proud of you dragging your feet to give equal rights to gay men and women.

WHAT THE HELL IS TAKing so long. Hope and change has turned into wait and see.

SPRING IS IN THE AIR, and all the straight college boys are in their gym shorts. Mmmm, floppy weenies are back in season.

GUUURRRRLLLL, WHY YOU LOOK so sad? The tears are in your eyes and your mascara is running. Come on child, come over to big papa now. Don’t be ashamed to cry, let my big arms see you through. I’ll stand by you.

THESE TEA PARTY PARTIES ARE lame. There’s no scotch or crumpets. Also no one gets naked. WTF?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A library? Cause I’m about to throw the book of knowledge right at yo head.

THE GAY AND LESBO FILM FEST wouldn’t play my movie. I worked really hard at it. Those scumbags would rather screen something with Benjamin “big boobs” Bratt than play the story of when my mother fell in love with my aunt Susie.

HOW THE HELL DID I LOSE TO ALL those Lesbos at the WIN golf tournament. I was the only male homo on the course. Those dykes can really swing that golf club hard and long.