According to a recent survey of data
compiled from leading men’s magazines
such as Esquire, GQ, and Complex,
South Florida ranked in the top twenty
places with the “worst dressed men in
the country.” My guess would be that
this is due to the casual attitude men
here have, helped along by the high
temperature. I have to admit that after
reading the data, published by “Wire
Image,” we could definitely stand to
step up our wardrobe, boys. I have been
to New Year’s Eve events, weddings, and
funerals where men arrived in board
shorts and sandals: really?

Where have the black tuxedos gone?

Where are the pinstripes, bowties, and
suspenders? I think tha t there is a sad
trend that emphasizing “less is more”
when it comes to men—perhaps why so
many of us frequent Go-Go bars. I
personally love the mystique of a welldressed
man. The hottest thing about
Superman was that you had no clue
how hot he was as Clark Kent.

Fashion designer Tom Ford responded
to the survey by stating, “I think the
bottom line is that men simply have no
idea how to dress themselves. Even
YouTube gives demonstrations on how
to navigate your way around a bow
tie. There should be academies for
men’s fashion.”

Ask and you shall receive! Let me give
you some tips:

Tip#1: Pleated pants are out. The
trend is a clean, flat front pant with no
cuff and a modest break. The pant
should be just right in fit; not too snug
and not too full.

Tip#2: The belt and the shoes should
be in the same color spectrum. Black
shoes and a brown belt are NOT cute.

Tip#3: White still rules as the choice
of color for button-down shirts, but
it is BORING. Spice it up with a
light blue checkered shirt, or multi-color
bold pinstripe, or solid salmon or
micro-dot pattern.

Tip#4:“Formal” means tux or a suit
in the tux family. “Business casual”
means slim-fit khaki flat-front pant,
brown belt, clean shoe or loafer, and
slim-fit (European cut) button-down.
A man should look like a man.

Tip#5:If you want to wear sequins, satin
pants, a shirt you can barely breathe in,
or heels, then you might want to wait
till I write about trani-fashions.

Tip#6:Learn how to tie a bowtie.
There is nothing more pathetic than
a clip-on.

Tip#7: Know your tie knots and when
to wear them. According to W
Magazine the basic four are “Four
in Hand,” “Half Windsor,” “Windsor,”
and “Shell Knot.”

Tip#8: Vests are for guys who can’t
find a shirt that actually fits (or
lesbians), so unless the vest is part of a
three piece suit, donate it to Poverello
or Out of the Closet.

The bottom line is that there is
something sexy about a well-dressed
man, and about understanding the
current fashion trends. The ability to
know that you should be wearing a size
thirty-four jacket instead of a thirtyeight
will make all the difference
between looking like a stud and looking
like a dud. I hope that the next survey
finds South Florida men evolving into
the fashion leader.

AJ Cross

AJ CRoss is originally from
Montreal and has written the
“Cross Eyed” column for seven
years. He lives in Fort Lauderdale
where he serves as budget advisor
to the City Commission

Imagine that you are losing your home to foreclosure, and have just found out that you are about to be dismissed from your job because your employer can no longer afford you. With very little money saved, and a mountain of bills so high that you could paper your walls with them, you find yourself searching for a way out. How did you get here? You were financially responsible, worked as hard as anyone, and now find that you are losing everything. To top it off, you realize that people once eager to see you socially aren’t interested in hanging out with you in your home, because you simply can’t afford to go out.

Loneliness takes over quickly and unexpectedly.

You are not alone. Millions of Americans are going through the same dilemma. Here comes the scary truth. You will more than likely lose your home. You will more than likely lose your car as well, unless you are able to find enough money to hold on to it for one month longer. I do not tell you to this to bring you down, but to prepare you for what needs to be done.

You are going to have to make the “Climb.” You are going to have to step out of your comfort zone and consider possibilities for generating revenue that you never would have before. Harder still, you will have to let go of your ego and pride and put that nerve-shaken hand out and ask for help. Now more than ever, with so many people experiencing similar circumstances, people are showing compassion, empathy and humanit–and someone will likely help you. They may help you to find a job, or put you in contact with someone that perhaps has helped them in prolonging the foreclosure and eviction process just a little bit longer.

Ignore the letters in the mail from socalled help-with-foreclosure companies. Find out if you qualify for any governmental relief (but don’t hold your breath on that). Fannie Mae may be an option, but the process is long, and the bank that holds your mortgage may not even work with Fannie Mae. The first part of the climb is to get money back in the bank. Do odd jobs: clean toilets if you have to. Do whatever it takes to get money—legally–because you are going to need it.

The next part of the climb is to create a budget. First write down everything you buy, from gum to cigarettes, social activities, bill, children, lovers, etc. When you have that completed, you will need to start eliminating expenses. Take out what you “like” or what you “want,” and leave only what you “need.” Stay away from get-rich schemes and casinos or scratch-off tickets. Avoid asking for loans, because you will only have to add that to the very expenses you are trying to minimize.

The key to the climb is to do exactly that: climb. Climb out of your self pity. Climb out of your financial stress. Climb out of your fear and rise above your situation. You are the same intelligent, motivated and talented person you were before everything started to change for the worse. The only thing that you need to change is your circumstances. You may end up being the only Doctor at McDonalds, but you will at least be making money. Just believe that you are not bound by your situation and that you can rise from the ashes like a phoenix, and you will shine brighter than ever before.

AJ Cross

AJ CROSS  is originally from Montreal and has written the “Cross Eyed” column for seven years. He lives in Fort Lauderdale where he serves as budget advisor to the City Commission.

I am sure that you’ve heard the sound of the familiar click, boing or beep if you’ve participated in any of the several cellular chat sites such as the very popular “Grindr” app.

There is something addictive about being able to not only look at pictures of hot guys while at your local coffee shop, school, or even while waiting in traffic, but also to be able to see how close to you in proximity that sexy boy is.

Of course, there is always the possibility of instant gratification through the form of an anonymous hook up, but many guys use these sites for social networking, making new friends, or finding old ones.

I have imagined being pulled over by a State Trooper, and then having my phone “click,” “boing,” or “beep” to let me know that someone else using the app is just a few feet away. I think that I would definitely find a way out of  that ticket!

But there is a flip side to all of this: the possibility of rejection.  Believe me, rejection online is just as painful as it is in real life.  You can be blocked, or receive messages that read “ewww,” “gross,” “no thanks,” etc.  The three leading emphases–position preference, physical endowment, and age–may very well end a conversation before it begins.

I’m a novice to this and am still learning how to navigate some of the sites, but I was very interested in this form of socializing–not to mention the entertainment I got in doing the research for this column. For those of you willing to give it a try, here’s my advice. 1) Put up a face picture unless you are running for Congress, because you will not get anywhere fast without one.  2) Make sure your pictures are relevant and recent, especially if you intend to meet someone.  (It will be hard to explain that your belly grew so big overnight, or that your hair fell out on the morning when you meet face to face, especially after you just sent a picture of you from 1980.)

People bend the truth. I know that I did. I decided that since I look around eight years younger than I really am, I would list the age that I appear. Why? Because when I listed my real age, people were quick to discount me before they even talked to me. Many profiles will read “under 30 ONLY,” as if there are no attractive men over the age of 30. A lot of black guys put “mixed” or “other” for race in their profiles so that when people filter out “black,” their profiles will still appear.  According to a source at “Grindr,” the three most filtered criteria in order are “age,” “ethnicity,” and “weight.”

I have yet to determine whether or not these mobile sites are designed to bring people closer or to keep them further apart; to unite or to segregate. What I do know is that just as the secret behind Facebook was to ensure that the user becomes “addicted,” there is definitely something addicting about these types of social sites. My final word on all this is to take it for what it is.  Be real, keep your expectations realistic, and just have fun.

Okay, I have to go: I just got a “boing.”

AJ Cross

A.J. Cross is originally from Montreal and has written the “Cross-Eyed” column for seven years. He lives in Fort Lauderdale and serves as Budget Advisor to the City of Fort Lauderdale Commission.

I recently met an incredibly sweet, attractive, and kind 28-year-old man who was so hurt in his last relationship that he decided that the only way to protect himself was to stop being gay. He went to church and discussed the details of the relationship with his parish priest, and was told that if he was not happy it was because it was not the type of relationship that God had intended for man. He was also told that being gay was a mental condition, and that if he made the choice, he could live a “normal” life with a wife and children and no longer feel the hurt and pain caused by his former boyfriend.
This man is surrounded by friends in his life–all gay–and he is preparing to walk away from those friendships.  He started to date a woman who is 49. This woman, his friend for over six years, turns out to have been his best friend during his same-sex relationship, so she knows full and well that he is gay but has apparently decided to overlook that fact in order to duck the possibility of her still being single at 50.

The guy-in-question had recently been on several dates with another man, and had been enjoying these gay dates. Although he was starting to like this person, he asked the guy to never contact him again because he felt such guilt about his feelings and because he was in a happy relationship with a woman. During that final farewell conversation, he also divulged that the 49-year-old woman he was dating
is pregnant, supposedly with his child and that if she is, all his dreams  would come true.

Did this man simply change because he told himself, “I don’t want to be gay anymore”? I think not.  I think that this man is running and hiding from his fear of being hurt. Running into the arms of a woman will not protect him, either, because, unless I am mistaken, women are able to cheat and lie just as easily as men. More importantly, he will never be fully satisfied, and this will lead him to stray in order to accommodate the sexual needs this female partner will never be able to fulfill. I do believe in being straight, gay, or bi-sexual, but I find it hard to swallow–no pun intended–that a truly gay person can simply wake up and decide that they are not going to be gay anymore. If it  were that easy, I am sure many of us would have already chosen that option over the great difficulties that society presents to the LGBT community, let alone unsuccessful same-sex relationships.

It is also important to note that healthy gay relationships are possible and are in existence at this very moment, as is the option of being a gay parent to a wonderful child through natural means as well as surrogacy or adoption. I hope that this young man realizes that his girlfriend must surely have some disconnect from reality or common sense if she is so willing to be with him, have his child, and marry him after being his friend while he was actively gay. He is acting out of fear and it seems that she may be acting out of desperation and fear, as well, and those elements will not make for a successful outcome regardless of how much they both want it.

I have been hurt, and honestly, I have hurt others, and that is the truth of any relationship that ends.  Love hurts sometimes and that is not unique to sexual preference.  All we can do is try to make better decisions to whom we give our trust and hearts and wish for the best. Being loved is about being who you are and loved because you are that person.  If you have to change to find love then that love is based on fiction. Unlike fiction, there will not be a happy ending or living happily ever after.

Since Hillary Rodham Clinton’s eloquent speech about gay rights last year before the U.N. High Commission on Human Rights, a leading issue at every level of elections, federal and state through county and local, is LGBT rights. Our own Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz of Florida’s 20th Congressional District, who also chairs the Democratic National Committee, has taken an aggressive stand against any politician seeking to suppress  gay rights.

That aside, who is the right person for whom you should cast your vote? Should you vote solely based on that candidate’s positions on gay marriage, or domestic partnerships, or gay adoption?  What if the Democratic candidate supports everything in the “gay agenda,” but wants to increase taxes?  What if the candidate marches in Pride parades in full-blown drag, but has no interest in healthcare reform?

While acknowledging the importance of the continuing fight for equality, intelligent adults need to understand our candidates’ positions, and research not only what they say they will do, but also what they have done in the past, and how they conduct themselves as people.  I don’t believe that it is possible for a person to truly separate who they are in their personal life from who they will be in their political life.  Knowing about a person’s life can help identify certain attributes that they will likely bring to bear in elected office.

In Fort Lauderdale, the non-partisan mayoral race includes Jack Seiler and Earl Rynerson.  Members of the LGBT community may recognize the fact that Rynerson is a gay man, but does that guarantee he will be the gay person’s politician?  First as mayor of Wilton Manors, and now as Fort Lauderdale’s incumbent mayor, Seiler twice advocated and passed domestic partnership ordinances. I remember the day he looked me in the eye and said, “A.J., I am fully committed to making this happen, and I will.”  He was true to his word.  Does this make him the gay person’s politician?

My feeling is that politicians are destined to act “politically.” Considerations of political survival and decisions that seem illogical or simply wrong are par for the course. The question we have to ask is how genuine are a candidate’s aspirations and political promises? Will he or she be brave enough to stand behind their convictions when it matters? There will never be a perfect president, governor, or mayor, but there will be those who bring integrity, good intentions, and a true understanding of our needs to their offices.

There never has been and never will be a “gay person’s politician.” There are simply politicians. It was Seiler who said that “good public policy always makes for good politics, but good politics seldom makes for good public policy.”

AJ Cross

AJ Cross is a social writer and regular contributor to Florida Agenda. He can be reached at CrossEyed@jumponmarkslist.com.

Tonight I missed him. Not a particular “him,” but the presence of a him. It doesn’t happen very often as I am very good at occupying as many of the hours in a day as possible. Tonight, I watched a couple at a diner hold hands, secretly underneath the table, and later saw another couple looking at one another the way only two people in love do, and I missed that feeling.

The feeling of someone saying, “I’m yours,” or waking up in the middle of night and having a warm body next to me. Knowing that the only sound in the house will be the voice in my head, instead of his voice saying something that will make me laugh, is not pleasing.

I miss the feeling of a hand on the small of my back leading me into a room, or having the smallest detail of something about me remembered, like telling the waiter that I want extra dressing on my salad.

I never took for granted the special aspects of being with someone, but I know that many people do. To those people, I say “don’t.” Don’t undervalue the fact that someone has chosen to be with you and share his or her life with you. Don’t take lightly that someone has chosen your lips above all others to kiss every day. Don’t wait until they are gone to tell them that they are missed. Don’t assume that finding what you already have is easy to find. If you think that the person you are with is not perfect, then you are probably right. But then again, neither are you, and they have chosen to be with you despite your imperfections.

So often the attributes that sparked our initial interest in someone become the very things that we seek to change, because we do not want them to be attractive to anyone else. This is selfish and wrong. Why would you want them to be less than who they are? Why shouldn’t they be witty, outgoing, and fashionable? This is what made you want them in the first place, right?

Remember that they made a conscious decision that you were they person they wanted to be with, and that is what matters.

The people we love should be loved with great dignity, respect, and freedom. A caged animal is not a happy animal. It does not stay because it wants to, but because it has no choice. Choice is the key to everything. When something is an option, it is very easy to opt out.

I would rather be writing a letter about a person who is here than a column about the person who is not. I am happy about the moment tonight when I missed “him,” because it will make meeting him again all the more special. Now go and kiss “him.”

AJ Cross is a contributing writer and author of his column “Cross-Eyed”. He can be reached at AJCrossConsulting@gmail.com.

I have just finished reviewing the most recent Brady List.  This is the Broward County State Attorney’s list of active cases against sworn law enforcement officers. According to the current review, the Broward Sheriff’s Office (BSO) had the most active cases with deputies, sergeants, and a few Detectives making the list.  Law enforcement agencies including Wilton Manors, Seminole Police, and Lauderhill were on the list as well. Fort Lauderdale came in second. The ranking is solely based on the large size of both the BSO and FLPD.

The list of charges is shocking, and includes drug dealing, human trafficking, falsifying records, stalking, kidnapping, sexual assault, attempted murder, insurance fraud, grand theft, making false statements to the FBI, and others.

The report reads like a laundry list of major crimes perpetrated by those sworn to protect civilians and enforce the law. Broward Sheriff Al Lamberti and Fort Lauderdale Police Chief Frank Adderley have strong positions regarding police misconduct and accountability. You may recall that Chief Adderley himself was investigated for possible misconduct regarding the Scott Rothstein case. Adderly cooperated fully with the investigation and insisted upon an open-airing of all his actions and decisions. Adderly’s accountability showed a top cop putting his money where his mouth. It had a positive effect on department morale, and thankfully, he was cleared of any wrong doing.

The question remains, though, that with so many officers simply not living up to their sworn duty, and with an increase in reports of corruption by law enforcement officers, who watches the watchers? The Civilian Police Boards have no real power, possessing the authority to merely review whatever information is provided to them by police internal investigations. There is no true civilian watchdog of law enforcement.

Critics say that the Brady List is shorter than it should be, with close to 200 active cases unreported. They say this is because the state attorney’s office does not want to give an accurate picture of how many police officers are actually being investigated. Is this for fear that the information would cause panic, unrest, or lack of confidence in local law enforcement? Maybe. But even if that was the case, the list is certainly bad enough.

I know many cops personally, and I respect what they do and who they are as individuals. I feel great anger on their behalf whenever a bad cop thinks that he or she is somehow above the law. I think it is high-time to create an External Affairs Department, with the authority to investigate misconduct and crimes by law enforcement: a separate entity not controlled by the State Attorney or an agency they are investigating, totally impartial and reporting directly to the City Manager or Commission. Even were such a board not to oversee arrests or prosecution, a separate apparatus would be a mark of both fairness and transparency.

I do not know if this is a permanent solution, but as the list criminals with badges and guns grows, something cries for justice.  It is unfair to honest cops and their image, and a blow to public trust. To those good cops on the streets, thank you for your service, integrity and commitment to public service.

Today I watched the Elephant Man which starred a very young Sir Anthony Hopkins, a ravishing Anne Ankcroft and the ever talented Mr. John Hurt as Joseph Merrick (called John Merrick in the film).  The story is truly a study of human dignity, cruelty and compassion.  It is always astonishing to me the cruelty of men and truly heartbreaking at times.  The film captures the true-life story of a 21 year old English Man born with a rare skin disease which caused such deformities that he spends most of his teen years as a cast member of a traveling carnival and was named “The Elephant Man”.  An important note is that the film was produced by Mel Brooks, but due to the seriousness of the content, Mr. Brooks insisted that his name not be attached to the film in any way, so as not to be mistaken for a comedy.

The travesty of the story is not how Mr. Merrick looked or the physical impairments caused by his condition, nor the fact that he was a performer in the carnival. In fact, after the film was made it came to light that not only was Mr. Merrick well compensated by the owner of the carnival, but had accumulated great savings as a result of his work and was very close friends with the owner which was not accurately portrayed in the film.  There are many additional discrepancies in the film; however the spirit of the story is certainly captured.

We act so often in extremes.  There are instances when humans have the ability to be so thoughtless, cruel and inhuman that it sickens me.  The Elephant Man is easily a representation of anyone that is different, whether obese, esthetically unattractive, handy-capable, or simply of different mind and the way in which general society exhibits intolerance and lack of acceptance of such people.  The indignation which Mr. Merrick suffers at the hands of ignorance is a constant theme in the film.

Even as sophisticated and kind and intelligent as this man was, his exterior prevented people from seeing anything other than a freak, or imbecilic monster.  There were so many moments when I was so angered that I wish I could have jumped back in time to defend him.  But humans have other characteristics as well, such as compassion, kindness, pity and love.  Mr. Merrick was shown many kindnesses in his short life as well including that of the Queen Victoria after whom is named the Victorian Period, the Princess of Whales as well as famous 19th Century theatre actress Madge Kendall.  He receives great friendship during his final days in the hospital and it is said by many that knew him, that there was never a kinder man and that any goodness that existed in his presence was brought out by him.  ­

If there is anything to be taken from this film, it is simply to understand that we are no better or worse off than anyone else and that we are all desperately seeking the same thing, which is to be appreciated; to be relevant and to be loved.

Perhaps we could come to that end if we helped instead of hurt, listened instead of shut out and loved instead of hated.

Have you ever made a statement about someone that was not true, whatever your reason? Have you ever repeated something that you heard about someone of which you, yourself, had no proof?  Rumors can be dangerous things and once they are out, even if by guilt you try to set the record straight, the damage that is done is almost irreparable.

Go into your house and grab a hammer; walk to any window in your home; take the hammer and slam it as hard as you can into a window. What happened?  Did the window glass break into hundreds or thousands of pieces? Now what if I tell you to pick every single piece of glass that has fallen to the ground. You can’t. Try as you might, you would not get every piece. That is the damage of a rumor. It spreads much further than your intention and the damage to the soul of the victim of the rumor is like that of the broken window. It is almost impossible to repair.

No matter how strong the person, the looks and whispers hurt. To walk around and have peoples’ impressions of you based on a rumor as opposed to truth hurts. What is the purpose or achievement of attacking someone so viciously that there is almost no means of defense?  Is it to give you greater position over them? Is it an avoidance of assumptions or speculations coming in your direction? Is it simply based out of envy or jealousy or worse still, simple amusement?

Think hard about the mess that breaking a glass window would cause and imagine the messes that may be created by making statements of someone that are not true. Ask yourself if it were the other way around and you had to find the courage to stand up to lies told about you, if you could do that or would even want to have to.

Our reputations and even our very lives are very much like glass. We look through every day not thinking of how fragile they can be. We take for granted the impact that can be made if that delicate thing we call reputation is damaged.  If there is something that offends you about someone, then speak frankly and plainly. Speak on fact and not speculation, but above all, stop uttering anything out of selfish motivation or ignorance which may cause damage.

I do not believe that it is likely that every person we encounter or know will grow upon us or earn our affections or our respect.

However, we must not act against the goodness of who we are in an attempt to alienate them. We must not grab the hammer of lies and rumor and break the glass of another’s life, or good name, or soul.

Broken glass is a very hard thing to clean up and I promise you that try as you might, you will never be able to pick up all of the pieces. And attempt to clean it up with your hands, you may assuredly be cut in the process.

A few months ago, I would have thought that I would be making a fat turkey and stuffing and baking a pie with my ex-boyfriend, but that did not come to pass. He was at brunch with new friends he had acquired.

One of my business clients called me from New York City, where had had gone last minute to visit his mother. He seemed happy to be there with her, and I was so touched that he took the time to call me and wish me a happy holiday.

I then began thinking about my mother and though my memory of her is fragmented at best, I had some time on my hands and began to surf the web to see what information if any was out there about her. To my chagrin, there was nothing I could find.

Thanksgiving is an interesting event;  there are so many people that take it so seriously, spending this one occasion giving thanks for their blessings or for the family and people in their lives.  I personally find it more effective to simply give thanks year around. I received a surprising amount of text messages today wishing me the best, and what was really surprising was that the majority of the messages were from people that are relatively new acquaintances in my life. Long-term friendships has never been my strong suit and if I had not sent a text to my ex, I am sure I would not have received one, so the situation begs the question: what it is about me that keeps

me so distant or moreover so alienable from people?

What did you do on Thanksgiving? Were you with people you truly cared about or just around people to avoid the sense of loneliness that so many people feel around the holidays? What did you give thanks for? I am here eating my can of noodles in red sauce, which by the way is pretty tasty and economical as well. I am writing a column about all of this while at the same time thinking of what it is that I am most appreciative and thankful for, and I have come to this one conclusion: I am thankful to be able to be here; to be able to spend each week and share my thoughts and stories with all of you.

To know that each week, somewhere, someone is reading my column and hopefully being touched in some way, finding that there is someone out there who thinks about something the way I do, or feels what I have felt or perhaps just creating a virtual bridge between myself and my readers. That is a great blessing for me.

So this week I write about what I am most thankful for. It is YOU! Thank you for giving me a voice and for allowing me to enter your minds and hopefully your hearts for a moment each week. It is my sincere wish that you find new and wonderful things to be thankful for.

Well, until next week, God bless!