I unexpectedly lost my partner-in-life on Memorial Day. We met in 1980 and, as relationships always do, ours evolved and changed over the passing years. Charles was the love of my life, and I miss him dearly. It’s hard to imagine my life without him. My professional career and my book, coming out later this year, grew out of the successes and the challenges of our 32-year connection. The following is the eulogy I gave at his funeral service held in the small town where he grew up in Tennessee. Being gay is not something folks in this community openly talk about. I chose my words and message in a way that would honor Charles, and respect the sensitivities of the attendees. I realized that what I learned from Charles and our relationship were universal in scope, and could in no way offend my fellow mourners.

So, I thought I might take this column to bring them to you. I hope I can always live up to these ideals, and I hope they have meaning for you:

“Charles was not a man of many words, but he was my greatest teacher. I’d like to share with you the 10 most important lessons he taught me by the grace and dignity of his life.

1. Being honest with yourself is absolutely necessary to being honest with others.

2. Trust is the most important aspect of all relationships.

3. True love is unconditional, comes from the heart—not from the head—and is given freely without any expectation about receiving anything in return.

4. Silence is golden.

5. Peace of mind is happiness.

6. The more we judge, the less we love.

7. We learn when we are listening, not when we are talking.

8. Forgiving ourselves and forgiving others are among the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves.

9. Life, like relationships, is not about how long it lasts, but, rather, about the love you leave behind.

10. There’s no place like home, because home is where the heart is.”

After Charles was laid to rest, family and friends from this Bible Belt town came up to me one-by-one to offer their condolences.

By far the single most frequent comment to me was, “I am so grateful Charles had you to love.” I was especially touched by Charles’ great nephew. A tall, good looking guy— about 20 years old, extensively tattooed, and dressed in the casual attire of his generation—he reminded me of the young Charles I had met 32 years ago. There is definitely a family resemblance, and on three separate occasions he came up to me to shake my hand and say, “I’m really sorry for your loss, man.” Through the rough exterior, I could see the gentle man inside, which is so much about who Charles was.

I really appreciate all the expressions of sympathy from friends, family, and loved ones. Everyone described Charles as a warm, gentle soul with a big heart. I am so grateful to have had this wonderful man to love. And I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to share with you the lessons and love of Charles, my Forever Babycakes.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked, “Why does it seem that as soon as I get close to someone, they seem to back away?,” and “Why are many of the men I date so clingy or needy?” The answers to these questions can be varied and complex, but I hope to provide a basic understanding of approach and avoidance in intimate connections.

There has been a tremendous amount of research in the field of Attachment Theory over the past 50 years. Dr. Mary Ainsworth, a leader in this work, was doing much groundbreaking at Johns Hopkins when I was there studying psychology in the 1970s. Her work, combined with other long term studies, shows that attachment patterns tend to run in families, and watching the interactions of mother and child can reliably predict the types of attachments the child will experience in adult relationships.

Very simply, there are secure and insecure attachments. There are three types of insecure attachments. The first type is characterized by a need to be with the loved one, know their whereabouts, and feel connected. This is often seen as the “clingy” or “needy” partner, and is sometimes referred to as the “love pursuant.” In childhood, this person’s mother was likely anxious about her own relationships and provided considerably more emotional attention than the child required for adequate security and love.

The mother’s enmeshment with the child modeled a type of attachment that follows into adulthood. (I refer to the mother, because research suggests she is the strongest object of attachment, but this can also be a father or other caregiver.) The adult is often plagued with conscious fears of abandonment, but underlying this is an unconscious fear of intimacy or emotional vulnerability. There is usually denial about this, with this type insisting that a relationship is all he really wants in his life. The second type is characterized by detachment and ambivalence. This is the person who gets uncomfortable when someone is getting too close. The so-called “love avoidant” grew up with a mother whose anxiety about closeness resulted in giving less emotional attention than required for the development of trust and love. Often, children who are emotionally or physically abandoned, or neglected by the mother, are the subject to this sort of insecurity.

The adult deals with somewhat conscious fears of engulfment and intimacy, but often adamantly denies a fear of abandonment, which in this adult actually can be greater than for the so-called love pursuant.

The third type of insecure attachment can develop when there is major trauma and/or abuse for the child. I will not get into this type in depth, but these adults can be severely limited in their ability to create or maintain relationships.

A major irony of human connection is that passionate relationships often form between the love pursuant and the love avoidant types. When they occur, it is likely each will blame the other for the struggle, as one feels neglected and the other engulfed.

Each insecure type has his individual way of dealing with the resultant anxiety. The love avoidant may find a multitude of ways to preoccupy and distract himself—computer, phone, TV, or being busy in general. He may create a sense of distance and autonomy by being secretive, or having other sexual encounters. These all have the potential of leaving the love pursuant feeling abandoned. The love pursuant then may attempt connection through physical touch and closeness, heightened conversation and inquiry, initiation of sex, or attempting to increase time together. He also may simply withdraw or close down, out of fear of agitating the alreadydistancing partner. The result is the love avoidant feels his partner is clingy or needy. Indeed, the love avoidant will often accuse the love pursuant of being insecure, but this is actually an ego projection of his personal, unconscious feelings of insecurity.

Until and unless there is awareness of the dynamic, and a desire to get some professional assistance to deal with it, the relationship will remain under duress, or collapse.

A love pursuant man recently related to me how he and his love avoidant boyfriend of several months were sitting at home with the avoidant’s actual lap dog—Sammy—cuddled between them. The avoidant declared, “I think Sammy is getting too clingy because I haven’t been home as much lately.” Of course, the distancing boyfriend wasn’t talking about his dog—he was talking “through” his dog, and sending several simultaneous, unconscious messages to his boyfriend:

(1) I’m spending a lot of time with you.

(2) “Close” feels clingy.

(3) “Clingy” is bad, and feels uncomfortable (i.e., makes me anxious).

(4) Don’t get too close, or it will feel clingy.

Those fortunate enough to have grown up with a mother who was present—and who knew how much love and attention to give in order to satisfy the child’s emotional needs, without being overbearing or denying necessary connection—find a secure comfort zone in adult relationships much more easily.

A final word is required regarding addiction and attachment. When there is unresolved addiction in one or both partners, intimate attachment is not possible. Drugs and alcohol are inevitably the attachment of choice for an addict. This is in part the reason Alcoholics Anonymous recommends a minimum of one year in recovery before attempting intimate dating. The addiction itself may be the result of having had the need to reduce or deny anxiety associated with the individual’s history of insecure attachment.

There are many of us in the fields of mental health and self-help who understand that basic unhappiness is primarily related to how we think about ourselves. Self-esteem and selfworth are basically the result of two major components. First, there is a demonstrated competence and success in areas of life in the EXTERNAL WORLD that are important to us. These include intelligence, relationships—intimate, friends, family, co-workers, etc.— physical self, emotional self, and work or career. The second component consists of core feelings in the INTERNAL WORLD of self-love. This includes internal feelings of value and worth, internal feelings of love, and internal feelings of self-acceptance. Both aspects of selfesteem are internally self-directed.

Often, the reason we feel less than good about ourselves begins with futile attempts to align our feelings of self-worth with cultural standards, and the opinion of others. We look for outside validation which often is not forthcoming. As each of us is different, we cannot expect our core uniqueness to align with that of others. The moment we harshly judge ourselves based on our difference, we give into devaluing and degrading our sense of self. When we harshly judge others, we can be sure its roots are in our own selfdegradation. The external components of selfesteem relate to how we function in the outside world in areas of life that are IMPORTANT to us. If we are not functioning in a way that supports a positive sense of self, we either are not living up to our potential—often due to internal self-degradation—or we are trying to live up to the ideals of someone else. When life is not going the way we want it to, it is time to explore whether we are trying to please others (or the culture at-large) at the expense of our own desires and passions.

Following one’s own heart leads to true satisfaction and self-worth. If our lack of self-esteem is the result of internal feelings of dissatisfaction, then it is time to find ways to accept ourselves exactly as we are now.

People with high self-esteem are willing to accept, improve, or change those aspects that are perceived to be “imperfect” or different from the cultural norms. They resist the need to harshly judge themselves or others, and they shun gossip. They surround themselves with people who accept them as they are, and for who they are.

Tools for enhancing self-esteem include:

1. Monitoring your self-talk. Stop the internal bully. Put up a mental STOP sign when you find yourself inappropriately judging yourself or others. Stop all criticism. It has done nothing for you in the past, and will do nothing in the future.

2. Taking risks. Push yourself into new and uncomfortable situations, realizing that imperfect outcomes or failed plans do not mean personal failure. Each person has different risk tolerance. Reward yourself for trying, no matter the outcome.

3. Giving to others. Contributing allows us to see our value in new ways.

4. Being assertive (also known as “healthy communication”). If you’re introverted, that means making an adjustment from keeping self-expression internal. If you’re extroverted, that means modifying selfexpression, and learning to listen and process your feelings more before you speak.

5. Understanding that self-care is self-esteem. Manage your nutrition, health, diet, and exercise. Take small steps, but move forward with health empowerment.

6. Experiencing personal growth classes, spiritual retreats, counseling, and reading self-help literature. Find sources of inspiration for positive change.

Finally, don’t self-medicate your feelings away with drugs and alcohol. If anything will damage your sense of self, it is substance abuse. If you have a problem, get help TODAY.

Note: Dr. Leight conducts a group for gay men every summer entitled “Confidence, Self-Esteem, and Personal Empowerment.”

For more information, visit doctorleight. com/workshops.php.

A diagnosis of prostate cancer is a frightening prospect for both men and their partners. Unfortunately, most physicians treating for prostate cancer never inform their gay patients that the implications will impact gay male sex differently than for straight male sex.

The result can be uninformed, under-informed, or misinformed treatment selection. Prostate cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in men. One out of every six men will develop prostate cancer, as compared to one out of every eight women who will develop breast cancer.

If you live to age 80, your chances are greater than 50 percent that you will develop prostate cancer. For a gay male couple, there is a 28 percent chance that one partner or the other will be diagnosed with prostate cancer during their lives together. If you have a father or brother who has had prostate cancer or if you are African American, your risk doubles. Diagnosis is always confirmed by biopsy, but PSA blood tests and digital rectal examinations are used for initial screening.

These are generally recommended for men over 50 (or over 40 if in a high risk group). If you take Propecia for hair loss or Proscar for prostate enlargement, your PSA may be falsely low. You want to double the number for accuracy. And gay-receptive partners should wait three days after anal penetration, as prostate massage can elevate the PSA. Your physician should perform a digital exam AFTER he or she takes your blood.

The most commonly prescribed treatment after a diagnosis of prostate cancer is prostatectomy, or removal of the prostate. This is major surgery with the potential for major residual, life altering implications. While considered the “gold standard” for curing prostate cancer, five to 10 percent of men remain incontinent, and for men under 60, 25 to 30 percent remain impotent. For men over 70, 70 to 80 percent remain impotent.

And sexual function tends to improve with time. Erectile rigidity post-treatment may be sufficient for vaginal penetration, but often isn’t sufficient for anal penetration. There are erectile treatments available that can help or even restore function, so consult your urologist for assistance in this regard. The other major change in sexual function is that ejaculation will now be retrograde (so the ejaculate will back up the urethra rather than forge out the penis). This can be disturbing, but men are still able to ejaculate even if they cannot attain a significant erection.

The other curative option that is generally recommended is radiation therapy. With radiation, less than two percent remain incontinent. Recurrence of cancer is three to 40 percent higher than with prostatectomy (depending upon the stage of the cancer). There is a risk of frequent urination, burning, and chronic bowel complications. Rectal bleeding is a problem in around five percent of brachytherapy (radiation) patients. Because radiation has long term effects, sexual function may not be impaired at first, but may decrease over time.

The rates of impotence are approximately the same as for surgery. There may likewise be penile shrinkage, and a decreased amount of ejaculate. Radiation can be problematic for men who enjoy being penetrated. Anal bleeding, diarrhea, and tightening and/ or spasm of the sphincter may make anal penetration uncomfortable or impossible. Psychologically, an overall sense of helplessness, anger, loss/grief, depression, and anxiety are very common.

Communication with partners about fears, embarrassment, and frustrations are critical. Patience is vital for the man with prostate cancer—and his partner—as recovery is often slow and uncertain.

You cannot pick up a magazine or watch a television show today without some advertisement for so-called “E.D.” treatment. Erectile disorder is often called erectile dysfunction or impotence and is the most common sexual disorder for men. Ironically, “dysfunction” and “impotence” inaccurately and often inadvertently contribute to a man’s feeling powerless over his erection.

As with most sexual disorders, the inability to attain or maintain an erection or complete erection may result from biological and/or psychological causes.

Low levels of testosterone, a natural part of aging, can contribute to issues with libido as well as erection problems. Testosterone supplementation is often sufficient to care for E.D., not to mention the benefits of increased energy and improved mood. Drugs, medication and alcohol are very frequently the cause of erectile challenges. Reducing or eliminating drugs and alcohol may be the solution. Ask your physician if any of the medications you are taking can contribute to erectile issues. These may include high blood pressure medications and anti-depressants.

Often there are other medications available that can be substituted without the same sexual side effects. Diseases such as diabetes and coronary artery disease are also associated with erectile disorder.

Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra can be effective medications for Erectile Disorder of physical origin. Other treatments including penile implants, and injections into the penis are also available for E.D. that originates from medically-related conditions. Vacuum aspirators (penis pumps) and venous retention rings (cock rings) offer varying degrees of success for E.D., as well. I tend to recommend trying a cock ring as a simple first choice for E.D. or for increasing the firmness of erections.

While there are multiple physical reasons for erectile disorder, the primary cause is performance anxiety, not uncommonly related to lack of erotic desire for one’s partner. Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra are not aphrodisiacs, and they do not produce desire.

Trying to overcome desire challenges with one of these medications will not work. When the underlying cause of E.D. is psychological, a cognitive-behavioral sex therapy approach works best. E.D. can be rapidly cured by using the mind to redirect the focus of attention during sex. While a man who ejaculates prematurely does well to direct his focus away from the object of erotic desire, a man who has difficulty achieving erection or ejaculation does well to direct his focus toward the object of erotic desire.

Performance anxiety is essentially a misdirected focus of attention on matters other than an object of sexual desire. When you are concerned about your ability to satisfy your partner or you are self-conscious about your body, or your mind is thinking about some problem at work, you are not focused on the sexual stimulus—the partner or fantasy in your mind. Similarly, when you move out of the moment of sexual connection and pleasure you are no longer focused on the sexual stimulus. Redirection is necessary in order to be sexual. One of the most enjoyable aspects of sex is losing yourself in the moment with your partner. Worry, anxiety, concern, and fear take you out of the here-and-now of sexual experience.

Because sexual challenges are multifaceted and may include medical, biological, psychological, and/or social factors, they may not be a simple matter to address. Taking matters into your own hands may or may not work for you, which is why diagnosing and treating sexual problems is sometimes best accomplished by licensed health professionals. Working with your physician, (sex) therapist or clinical sexologist, your diagnosis and treatment can be most effectively accomplished.

Two middle aged men looking for a long term, committed relationship chat on Match.com and decide to meet for coffee. Tom and Roger are both good-looking, intelligent, and personable. They have a very nice conversation. Roger is very interested in Tom, but Tom is less than excited. Of course Roger is hoping Tom would be interested in a second date.

Roger should:

(A) Directly ask Tom if there is any potential and interest in further dating.

(B) Ask Tom out for dinner on Saturday night without discussing interest.

(C) Do not discuss the future and wait for Tom to call and ask him out.

(D) Wait two days and if Tom hasn’t called, then call Tom to feel him out. Tom should:

(A) Directly let Roger know that he is not interested in further dating.

(B) Tell Roger he wouldn’t mind seeing him again.

(C) Not discuss his lack of interest and just hope he never hears from Roger again.

(D) Agree to another date only if Roger calls him.

How many times have we heard men say they are tired of the games that we play when dating? But then again, how often have we been just as much of a game player as others? How often have we chosen “A” when confronted with the situation above? Isn’t it always easier to skirt the expression of true feelings to avoid being rejected or avoid hurting the other person? Game playing or strategic dating sets you up for eventual emotional hurt and/or disappointment.

Authentic dating is about being honest. First, that requires being true to yourself about what you are looking for: i.e., what are your goals for dating? Are you looking for a life partner? Are you looking for casual sex? Is stability more important than passion? Do you want an exclusive relationship or an open one? Are you currently “available” for intimacy? Next, you must be honest with yourself about how you feel about the person you are meeting or dating.

It has been scientifically proven that we know within minutes—if not seconds—of meeting someone if there is the potential for passion.

Finally, you want to be totally honest with your date. If initially there is nothing there but you want to see if something develops—not impossible, but also not very likely— just say so. If you want to be dating a host of people and are not ready to be with one individual, say so. If you are only interested in this person for sex, say so. If you have no interest in another date, say so. If you recognize potential of any kind in this person, say so.

This approach is not for everyone— only for those who want an honest, authentic, and sincere connection with another person who has similar objectives. If there is a mutual passionate connection and both are looking for the same thing, the other person will not be turned off by you stating your feelings. If there is no passion for one or the other, or if the two of you have different dating objectives, what difference does it make if you scare the other personal away? The first date is simply about assessing the potential and objectives of each person. If there is no real potential, passion, or mutual objective, move on. If there is a mutuality of interest in the connection, then continue to date in order to explore values, compatibility, mutual interests, and sex. Building a trusting relationship of any type requires complete honesty, respect and authenticity right from the beginning.

Just as individuals go through predictable stages of adult development, so do relationships. These stages precipitate conflicts as well as clashes of needs. Mature relationships often bring on a sense of boredom or a feeling that the individuals have “grown apart.” While commitment may be strong, communication may have deteriorated as a result of anticipated hurt and/or rejection. Often one or both partners feel trapped in the connection with strong ambivalence about staying together.

Many couples end up resigning themselves to an unhappy or unsatisfactory marriage. Others simply split up, seeing no way forward. A little talked about, middle-of-the-road option, is the so-called “marriage sabbatical” in which the individuals take some time and space to help balance needs for intimacy and autonomy. The indications for such a break are either a flat-lining of the relationship “energy” or a heightening of conflict on a daily basis. The marriage sabbatical may also be in order after attempts at sustained couples-therapy appear to fail.

The sabbatical is a trial separation of sorts, but it differs in that it is structured and purposeful. The sabbatical may take many different forms, depending on the needs, desires, and financial considerations of the specific couple. If a short time-out is all that is needed, separate vacations or a few weeks apart may do the trick. When the challenges run deeper, living separately for 3-to-12 months in order to assess one’s own path and his/her partner’s role in his/her life may be required. If it’s financially impossible to physically separate, try reorganizing your household space, including taking separate bedrooms, and a reassessment of the time spent together. Whether living separately or not, agreements regarding how and how often to communicate, how and how often to see one another, whether to have sexual relations together or even whether it is okay to experience sexual exploration outside of the relationship are all part of the sabbatical contract.

The hope is to break dysfunctional relationship patterns, gain perspective on the relationship, realize what your partner really means to you, create a context for personal growth and change, and find a balance between autonomy and intimacy that works for you. Couples need to communicate. When this isn’t enough, it is important to explore your options. This alternative to divorce may help couples who are “stuck” in dysfunctional relationships and need time for personal growth and development before making a recommitment to the marriage or moving on. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical, they do so with a new understanding of themselves and their needs and desires. The parameters for a marriage sabbatical are best negotiated and contracted with a well-trained and experienced couple’s therapist who understands the sabbatical process as an exploration, and not a separation.

When couples decide to divorce, they usually do so more amicably because the partners truly know why they are separating. The decision to move on then is more likely by mutual choice and therefore less victimization occurs. It has been my experience that couples who are mature enough and secure enough to negotiate a temporary break find a renewed sense of self, and with it, an ability to re-engage more honestly and lovingly, as they work through differences and/or re-energize the connection more easily and completely. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical, they usually do so with a new understanding of themselves, their needs and their desires.

ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a Licensed Psychotherapist and
Board Certified Sex Therapist in private practice on the
drive in Wilton Manors. He can be reached via email at
DoctorLeight@aol.com, by phone at 954-768-8000, or
online at www.DoctorLeight.com.

The short-lived relationship was rocky at best. You initially thought this man was really for you. Thinking about him made you feel whole, happy, and hopeful. He showed great interest in being with you.

He had some great qualities, but right from the start you knew there were some “issues.”

Being the eternal optimist, you figured you’d work at it in hopes of true love, romance, and relationship. You almost immediately felt a total emotional commitment. You found yourself thinking about him often–maybe obsessively–and projecting a life together way into the future. When the problems became greater than the “relationship” satisfaction, it ended with a feeling of relief mixed with disappointment.

But now it is time to move on, and before you can blink an eye, someone appears with great qualities and, well, some “issues.” Despite these, why not see if this new man is “The One?” So you wholeheartedly invest again, only to find weeks or months later you are ready to jump ship–again. Within days of its ending, another “true love” comes along.

This pattern of obsessive-compulsive behavior is complex and multi-dimensional. The likelihood is that you often feel empty and lonely if you aren’t subject to the attention and “love” of a potential partner. The pain of each break-up is avoided by emersion into the next “relationship.” At its cause, you may have been subjected to childhood emotional neglect and/or abuse. By ignoring red flags or lacking the filters necessary to make wise choices, you are essentially “asking for” a repetition of that childhood abuse, neglect, and/or emotional pain. Unconsciously, you are repeating the “family-of-origin” pattern, which is both familiar and, ironically, comfortable compared with the prospect of true intimacy.

The repetitive dating pattern is an unconscious attempt to heal the wounds of childhood, believing that any friendly interest shown upon meeting is an indication that this new person will fully love you. It is this initial apparent interest that is so alluring, bypassing your rational mind, which might otherwise realize the prospective partner is not really a good match. The limerance (the initial excitement phase of a relationship) provides a dopamine (brain chemical) response that creates a high which has the potential to be very addicting, and covers up any feelings of loss or grief associated with the last “relationship” or childhood pain. Despite the near-desperation to be in a relationship, the pattern actually sets you up for future loneliness–the very feeling you are trying to avoid.

To remedy the behavior pattern, you need to take some major, often painful, steps. These include, but are not necessarily limited to:

1. Finding a therapist who is not invested in your desire to be in a relationship.
2. Taking time off from dating to be by yourself. Feel the pain of loneliness if that comes up. Be with the anxiety. Time and your therapist will help you process these feelings and understand them–and yourself–better.
3. Working on feeling good about you. Fulfillment does not require partnership, and, indeed, to be a good partner you need to feel and be complete by yourself. Self love and acceptance are critical ingredients to bring into intimate relationships.
4. After a sufficient period of time, entering the dating world slowly. Don’t jump into a relationship with the first potential partner who shows you some interest. Have in mind what is important to you in a partner, and do not sacrifice Self at the altar of relationship.
5. Experiencing dating without “relationship” in mind. Don’t limit yourself to one person. Allow yourself to experience all different kinds of people. Have fun and take your time. Interest from others should not be confused with love.
6. If you are going to date someone more than a few times, be sure they are emotionally, intellectually, and sexually available and compatible. Learn to say “no” if there are red flags, if the person is not right for you, or if you find you are giving up parts of you for the sake of a potential partner.
The revolving door of hopeless romanticism keeps you going in circles, never realizing your desire for true intimacy. Get some help and start moving in the direction of your dreams.

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Board Certified Sex Therapist in private practice on the drive in Wilton Manors. Dr. Leight has written and lectured extensively on the topic of gay male intimacy, dating, human connections and relationships, and has been on the faculty of several universities.  He can be reached via email at  DoctorLeight@aol.com, by phone at  954-768-8000, or online at  www.DoctorLeight.com.

Watch for his new book, “Sex Happens: The Gay Man’s Guide to Creative Intimacy,” due out this summer