Anyone who’s watched “David Tutera’s Celebrations” on WE Television should have expected it–Lil’ Kim’s late arrival and ultimate meltdown at last weekend’s Fifth Anniversary Celebration for the Manor Complex in Wilton Manors, we mean. This girl is a mess. Well, she’s hardly a girl at 40. But to see her prancing around the Manor in a faux leopard-skin pantsuit like the diva she isn’t was enough to make my spies on the scene gag dusty air. (No, I wasn’t there. I was in Philadelphia visiting mama.)

In case you’ve been out of town yourself, here’s some background. Lil’ Kim was due to perform at 1:30 a.m. in a 20 minute set that actually had the town of Fort Lauderdale talking out loud since around this beach burg we’re more likely to see the drag version of the rapping ex-con. And while I’m sure the idea sounded like a good one to Gary Santis, the Manor’s producer of shows extraordinaire, the booking did not come without its own risk.

Rewind back to “David Tutera’s Celebrations” where Lil’ Kim acted like she still had a thick fan base, and arrived three hours late for her own baby shower. Given that record, The Manor didn’t stand a chance.

The rapper was to be flown in, limoed over, and pose for a photo meet-and-greet for 100 of her most loyal fans that were willing to spend $100 for the privilege of standing next to the woman whose major claim to fame was sharing a Grammy Award in 2002 for Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals (along with Christina Aguilera, Pink and Mýa) for the single “Lady Marmalade.”

She followed the award by lying to a grand jury investigating the 2001 shooting outside the Hot 97 Studio in Manhattan.  According to Lil’ Kim, she didn’t know that her co-manager, Damion “D-Roc” Butler, and her bodyguard, Suif “Gutta” Jackson, a former member of the hip-hop group Junior M.A.F.I.A, were at the scene. Hmmm…The security footage showing the three of them leaving the building suggested otherwise, and, in 2005, Lil’ Kim the rapper became Lil’ Kim the prisoner #56198-054, serving a year and one day in the Federal Detention Center in Philadelphia.

Fast forward to last weekend, when Lil’ Kim the new mother (she gave birth to a baby girl Royal Reign) showed up late at the Manor for her gig. She got paid $23,000 for the 20 minute performance plus a 12 midnight meet-and-greet where a photographer was supposed to take pics of L.K. with her $100 per fans. That part of the night never happened. Lil’ Kim wasn’t anywhere near the Manor at midnight. Nor for that matter was she near the stage when her 1:30 contracted show time came around.

When her 20 minute set finally did get started at 2:40 a.m., her fans were as exhausted as they were frustrated. The one thing they weren’t was surprised. Well, maybe a little, when longtime assistant Noel Perez (who was celebrating his birthday and his 15 years working with the rapper) came on stage and never left for the entire act. For those who know, Florida native Noel is not a small man, so his presence was very obvious. As was that of the drag queen who brought a birthday cake for the celebration, and proceeded to spend the whole 20 minutes standing on stage blowing out the candles which were of the spontaneously relighting variety. So clever.

In any case, the Manor’s major domo Jason Tamanini was not happy with the way things were going for his Fifth Anniversity spectacular. First the late, late arrival;  then the no show for meet-and-greet. So who among us could blame young Jason for cancelling the diva’s limo and leaving her to find her own way back to Bedford-Stuyvesant. The Manor is suing Lil’ Kim, who went on-line and called the club “jankpromoters” claiming she knew nothing about a meet-and-greet.  Hmmmm….Until next week….