I’ll just cut to the chase: Ellen did a lousy job of hosting the Academy Awards.

Before everyone jumps down my throat and accuses me of being a traitor to our community, I’d like to point out that our community has come far enough that we can judge a GLBT host on her merits alone. To be fair, Ellen did have some good moments, but her opening monologue was cringe-worthy. I think a couple of times I heard crickets chirping when there should have been applause. The rest of the show was bland and unimaginative. And sweet. If Ellen was any sweeter, we’d need an insulin shot to watch her show. There were probably about 20 good minutes in the show and eight of those were watching Liza Minnelli try to stand up when they announced her name.

Ellen needed to bring in the bad boy of Oscar writing Bruce Vilanch. Bruce Vilanch has written for just about every award show, and his pieces are among the most memorable. Billy Crystal as Hannibal Lechter? Pure Vilanch! Bette Midler’s presentation of the award for Best Score that was so good, it spurred her ‘80s comeback? Also Bruce. Now, Bruce Vilanch alone is no guarantee of success, anybody who sat through the train wreck of his “performance” at Parker Playhouse during PrideFest, can bear witness to that. You need to get some writers in there who aren’t afraid to ruffle a few feathers, and taffeta and chiffon.

The Oscars were more than three hours long, add another hour or so for the insipid pre-show red carpet coverage on ABC (Model Tyler Beckford offering fashion commentary? “Here’s Lupita Nygong’o in a blue dress, there’s Jessica (sic) Roberts in a black dress.”) Any doubt that the show needs more of an edge was erased when not one person made fun of John Travolta’s mangling of Idina Menzel’s name as Adele Dazeem. It was such a rich source for humor that there’s now a web site where you can type in your name and see how Travolta would have pronounced it.

If the Oscars really want a watchable show, here are some of my suggestions:

Hire Neal Patrick Harris, he’s really the best host out there and he’s gay with a capital G.

Have the folks from Fashion Policeon E! do the red carpet coverage, say what you want about Joan and crew: they are pee-your-pantsfunny.

Serve liquor, just like the Golden Globes, that’ll loosen up some of those tight-wads.

Get rid of the technical awards and serve them at the Academy luncheon.

Put the lifetime achievement awards back in the prime time show. We want to see all of our stars feeble and hobbling, not just Kim Novak.

Toss the awards to the winners seated in the audience, it will get rid of the boring speeches and add some drama. (All right, the last one is just a fantasy, but the others will actually work.