Before I met with Dr. Arlen Leight, I didn’t know much about sexologists. I’ve read some advice columns from sexologists, but that was as far as I got. The dentist-turned-sexologist known as Dr. Leight has just released a book for “any gay men at a crossroads in their relationships,” titled Sex Happens. Dr. Leight sat down with me to discuss his book, sexual roles and why a sexologist can save your relationship.

How is it different working with a gay couple as opposed to a straight couple?

Not so many years ago, I was in Miami at an art opening and there was a psychologist there who practiced in Miami. We started talking and she said ‘there’s really no difference between a straight couple and a gay couple is there?’ It took everything in me to sort of keep calm and say ‘it’s a completely different animal.’ It’s different because there are very unique challenges in gay coupling that are not present at all in gay coupling. The maturation of two gay people can be very different. Someone who has been out for a long time, could be 25 years old, and someone who has been out a short time could be 55 years old. It’s called ‘age independent maturation,’ and that’s one of the points I touch on in the book.

Do work on getting them on the same page in terms of maturation?

It just has to be taken into account in the couple’s counseling and by the couple themselves. You don’t really know how it’s going to affect the couple, but you have to look at it. Another big difference between straight and gay couples is sexual compatibility. With man and woman, it’s a given. With gay couples, it’s different. A top isn’t somebody who tops a lot, it’s somebody who is psychologically hardwired to top. The same goes for bottom and versatile. A bottom is someone who naturally desires surrender, and a top is someone who naturally desires to care for their partner.

I’m curious. Do you believe that versatility is sort of a fake stepping stone, like some people claim bisexuality to be?

That’s interesting that you make that analogy because I actually make that analogy in the book [laughs]. Someone who is versatile isn’t someone who bottoms and tops. Someone who is truly versatile is someone who is hardwired to bottom and top, and isn’t satisfied from doing just one.

Open relationships…healthy or unhealthy?

Men are naturally going to have sex. We’re very sexual. Sometimes the desire for sex goes outside of the relationship. People say that being open destroys relationships. That’s both true and not true. It only destroys the relationship if you’re not open with each other. During my practice, I’ve found that by the time they’re finished talking to me about what they’ve been hiding, they’re both more interested in each other. They’re afraid to talk about it.

Dr. Leight’s book Sex Happens is available now. Visit marriagecounselingformen.org/sexhappens for more information.