Dear Britney Spears,

Oh, baby, baby. Miss Spears, I’ve loved you since “…Baby One More Time.” After your meltdown, I continued to support you. I bought Blackout (yes bought), and even though you still appeared ill, I was rooting for you. To a certain extent, everyone was. People could relate to you – you were girl-next-door meets sex vixen with an everyman vibe – so it’s only natural that they would want to see you pull off an amazing comeback. After your sloppy performance at the VMAs in 2007, I had a feeling things weren’t going to be improving anytime soon.

Circus, while entertaining and listenable, was a flop, with many fans complaining that you barely moved around stage on your tour. Unfortunately (for all of us), the internet exists. I saw videos of your performances for both Circus and Femme Fatale tours, and the fans were right: it was essentially all hand movements and very little dancing. Here’s the thing: it didn’t matter that you weren’t dancing, it mattered that you seemed like a shell of your former self. There was no enthusiasm, joy, or flirty behavior. It was just you, going through the motions for a paycheck.

At the end of the day, the rest of the world is doing the same thing, so I get the laissez-faire attitude. But there’s a reason the rest of the world isn’t a pop star – we don’t have it in us. Whether it’s lack of talent or laziness itself, we can’t crank out albums and go on tour to change the lives of millions of fans. You can, or could rather. I used to think, “If her prescription drug cocktail is taking away her ability to dance or perform with enthusiasm, she should find another way to express herself creatively.”

Now, I take it all back. You began “talk singing” in a bizarre accent on “Scream & Shout,” which has apparently carried over to “Work B**ch,” your newest single. The “werq” references make it clear that you were thinking of your gay fan base when you created the track, which is….thoughtful? Maybe you listened to Ru Paul while you were partying after a show one night and thought “hey this seems like a good idea.” For whatever reason, you went with it. Now you’re raking in the dough from gay fans (including the younger gays who have no idea who you were before Femme Fatale), and you have the opportunity to really do something.

Well it appears that ship has sailed as of Monday. On a radio interview with 99.7 NOW FM, you
said, “A lot of my hair stylists and my beauty team that I work with are gay so I hang out with gays a lot and I just think they’re adorable and hilarious.” While we can be hilarious and pretty adorable, it sounds like you’re talking to a five-year-old, not a grown adult who is supporting your lifestyle.

Please don’t talk about us like we’re accessories or beanie babies. Our thirst for repetitive house music is the only thing that’s keeping you afloat.

Signed,

An Adorable, Hilarious Gay