I know that you’ve drastically changed your mind in the last five years, to the side of rationality, and you proudly want us to have the same rights as you. This enlightenment came much faster than anyone could have imagined, and I’m pretty sure your initial reaction was one of self-congratulation: You weren’t a bigot. You could look at all those insane Westboro Baptist people or read about Putin’s malevolence and roll your eyes. What are those people thinking?

But some time’s passed, I’m afraid, since your turn-around, and maybe you’ve reevaluated who you were before changing your mind. There’s a chance, when these things happen, that you might feel, well, perhaps, a little guilty.

Don’t feel guilty. It wasn’t your fault.  You didn’t know any better. We were around, but you didn’t know us. We didn’t talk about things as much as we do now. Sure, there were Stonewall riots a long time ago, but that wasn’t happening to a gay person you had ever met. You never knew one. And sure the understanding that it’s not a choice means that gay people have been all around you throughout your entire life. That’s a fact. But it’s not your fault you didn’t know us.

We were scared. Really horrible things were said about us. So how could we talk about inner feelings, our deep desires, without thinking it would turn ugly? So we hid, and your fears may have worsened, and so you didn’t want us to have the same rights as you for a long time.

How did things reverse? What brought you to such a change of heart? There are so many possibilities. I’m sure coming out helped—people you knew, and you’d had your suspicions, but now we were like, “yeah, it’s true, sorry.” Ellen helped. And Rosie. And that guy from Star Trek. We were citizens, too. Maybe that “Queer Eye” show helped. We bought you a bunch of stuff, redecorated your rooms, and told you how to love. We were ready for your approval—even if it did take such silliness. So you half-heartedly acquiesced to let us buy you stuff. After all, we were funny.

Okay, so now you accepted us, but marriage, that was something else entirely. Seeing two men or women together, an immediate repulsion probably ran through your body. There was something just wrong, innately wrong about the whole situation and you couldn’t quite put your finger on why. We know about this. We felt it, too. I bet you didn’t know that. When we first felt attracted to someone of the same sex, or during our first kiss, or after our first kiss, yes, we too were a little disgusted. It probably ran deeper for us, because we had to deal with it. And we would have to work on that part of ourselves. But you never had to work on it—no one was forcing you, so you still would feel sick, seeing some gays down the street holding hands, and the idea of them at the altar—no, not that. It was going too far.

But you changed. You’ve made the right decision. So don’t feel guilty. That was just a passing phase, a part of the enlightenment process. There was a lot more we had to tell you, like the probable straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back, three years ago, when all the gay children started dying. CNN and MSNBC and, every blue moon, even Fox News highlighted the gay teen suicides: all these gay kids were offing themselves, from the bullying or their own internalized homophobia. You never knew truly why they were all dying, but they were, and then things got sad. After a long day of work—perhaps alongside some casual gay acquaintance co-workers—you’d turn on the TV, and it would speak of yet another dead gay kid. It was an epidemic. I know you thought that. The truth is, those gay teen suicides have been happening forever. We just weren’t ready to talk about it yet.

Maybe some guilt popped up. Had you bullied any gay kids, so long ago—that effeminate boy in gym class who never managed the rope climb? Could you have been a part of the problem? No, no way, you only used the word “faggot” in close quarters. You ignored those kids—you never picked on them. Still, maybe you watched it happen, and you didn’t do anything, and that makes you feel a little guilty.

But don’t feel guilty. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know any better. Nobody told you what was going on. And now you know. We told you, and you’ve made the right choice.  So, all my recent allies, who have changed, who have come to the side of rationality, all of my new enlightened brothers and sisters, don’t wallow in guilt just because you didn’t know anything. Enjoy the future with us. Come to our weddings. Throw us a bachelor party. It’s all in the past, and we’re just happy that you came around. Now go call some of those Russian exchange students you knew in high school. It’s time to tell them, too.