At some point in the life of every person (and certainly every gay person), there comes a questioning of one’s sexuality. It’s either a passing thought, or—at its extremes—can lead to a change in sexual identity. But while it’s a perfectly normal thing for most people, for some the confusion can lead to a strong internal conflict.

Conversion therapy (also called ‘reparative therapy’ or, sometimes, “pray the gay away”) is a controversial “treatment” that has earned condemnation from reputable health professionals and, most recently, a prohibited legal status in the state of California, a usually welcoming place to fringe treatments of all types.

Raphael (“Raph”) Solomon learned firsthand about the dangers of not loving yourself, or of thinking that God doesn’t love you just because other people want you to believe it. His book, “The Memoirs of Angel King,” tells of the journey of a male model and aspiring singer who confuses disaffection with his relationships with a belief that there was something inherently wrong with him.

“Memoirs” relates your struggle with your sexuality. What caused you to doubt it in the first place?

“The Memoirs of Angel King” is a fictional book, based on my real life experiences and therefore it is not an autobiography as such.

I think the majority of gay people have questioned their sexuality at one point or another in their lifetime. We don’t have enough people telling us it is ok to be gay, and so we wonder if it is ok. I would say it was the consecutive breakdown of my personal relationships that led me to question my sexuality. It was certainly a catalyst after “My Ex No 5,” which triggered the gun and fired the bullet.

The experience led me to freak out. I asked, “Is this happening because I am gay? Am I meant to be another way?” and after a long debilitating process it occurred to me that “no, it is not because you are gay that your relationships have broken down, and there is no God who is being punitive towards you with your lack of a rewarding personal life.

Everybody has some relationship issue or another and it is not a issue which is necessarily in direct correlation to homosexuality. Many straight people have marital issues, too. However, when they break up they never question if they were meant to be another way.

What was reparative therapy like?

The therapy was like staying at the “Hell-Hole Motel.” It’s like holding up a mirror and telling yourself you are an abomination and, with constant and sufficient mental programming you will be able to exorcise yourself of the devil which makes you gay.

No one should ever feel this way about themselves and therefore, I made my decision to open my mouth and shout out loud so that I can be heard when I say “it is ok to be gay,” and “yes, we are beautiful just the way we are.”  It is the contents of our characters which define us as human beings and it is through our actions which we express love and compassion towards our fellow human beings.

There were times were I felt some sexual attraction towards women, and women are beautiful creatures undeniably. However, it always felt like a contrived feeling and it never felt as organic as my attraction towards men, and it is perfectly acceptable to have that as a part of my nature.

What were some consequences of the reparative therapy?

I didn’t have sex for a period of six months. I realized I wasn’t going to achieve the so-called “promised goal” after about four months into it but I didn’t give up. Eventually, I had to put it to rest and refrain from torturing myself.

Are you comfortable dating again?

I have been dating for a while and I am totally comfortable with dating again. I had another relationship after my reparative therapy experience, and I did not harbor any feelings of guilt during that relationship. The relationship didn’t maintain the longevity I would’ve liked. However, it wasn’t due to my issues of sexuality.

I must confess, I almost had a relapse after my last relationship broke down, but I had the tools to know better and I knocked it all back into place. Relationships break down for some people, whether they are straight or gay. Again, I am happy for that experience because it was a test for me to apply what I’d learnt in terms of my self-identity.

On a personal level, I am not sure if I am as carefree now as I was to let my guard down in relationships, but that’s another topic. I find myself more guarded now somehow, naturally, and it’s understandable.

How does having experienced reparative therapy impact your attitude towards long-term relations?

I am definitely interested in pursuing a long term relationship with the right partner, and, that would be someone whom I feel content enough to be with exclusively, and I would like to feel he would feel the same in return.

Relationships require work and with a little love, time and patience, I believe long term relationships can be a reality (as opposed to a far-fetched fantasy).

I am particularly drawn to guys who are not inhibited when expressing their interest in me and sharing their feelings with me. I am still a romantic and I don’t think that has changed very much.

I am quite happy to be single at the moment though.