Uncle Manley’s Guide to Kissing

By Manley Guy

The one and only piece of sex advice I ever got from my Dad—before I made him change the subject—was, “Son, the tongue is not a wash rag.” (Growing up in a repressed High Church Episcopalian family, I had the good sense and taste not to confirm with Mom the truth of Dad’s technique.)

Equally apropos is something a wise go-go dancer once told me: “A kiss is more intimate than a @#%! and a hot kiss is even hotter than a hot @#%!” Which means that if you want to personally test the truth of both of those claims, then you need to get your kissing game in order.

Understand that there’s no such thing as a “perfect kiss,” since each kiss can be perfect of itself, and every kiss that is shared between a couple is special, regardless of whether you’re going for romantic or pants-dampening sexy.

Shut Up and Kiss Me

It stands to reason that what you consider to be a great kiss might not have the same definition for someone else. Some universal tips that will help you get your game on, Sir Smoochalot.

Smooth Operator Use a damp toothbrush to exfoliate your lips, and keep those smackers plump and juicy with regular use of lip balm (which also prevents chapped lips).

Breathless No garlic or onion at least ONE FULL DAY before you plan on smacking someone special on the lips. True Story: These odors originate in the lungs, not in the mouth, and can last for up to TWO ENTIRE DAYS, something that Binaca or Double Mint won’t erase.

Lemon, Fresh Despite the no-garlic-rule, you should still take care that whatever odors you can fight are kept at bay. Anything that has a strong taste—like eggs, or pepper, or flavored meats—should be treated by popping a piece of lemon or lime into your mouth and chewing it up (you’re a big boy now, so tough it up) or a piece of parsley (this is after all what it’s doing on the plate in the first place).

Your Body, My Body, Everybody That fresh, kissy mouth should be accompanied by the freshest bod you can conjure, but just make sure you don’t get loose with the douche or Eau de Parfum—this can have the opposite effect of what we’re going for, Cyrano.

A Kiss is Still a Kiss A kiss should fit the occasion. A good night kiss can be passionate, but always evocative of tenderness. The smack you lay on the lips of the hottie on the Tea Cruise should build heat as part of—you hope—foreplay, and better (and bigger) things to come. Affectionate kisses are short, closed-mouth, and can be viewed by children (or your grandmother).

Never forget that your partner’s needs and wants must be at the top of your list. Don’t kiss thoughtlessly! If your mouth is too cold—say, from eating gelato, or drinking something icy—let it hit room temperature before you move in for the kill. Don’t take a bite of your donut before smacking your bf on the lips. And never reach in for one with a mouthful of toothpaste breath.

Kiss Me Deadly

You have now entered the Holy of Holies, young disciple. Master Manley will now impart to you the wisdom that has eluded millions of men who have lived and died before you: The perfect way to kiss, and keep ’em coming back for more of the same.

A passionate kiss is one that is best performed with a mouth that is partly-opened; the best ones last longer than a minute. This is a kiss that builds memories. Help things along by wearing a lip gloss that contains an emollient, but which won’t overpower—or worse, become the subject of—the kiss. The world’s greatest kissers live entirely in that moment—both physically and emotionally—and provide a sensual invitation for their partner to get lost in the experience with them.

Speaking in Tongues

You’ve been wondering when we would get inside your mouth. Fair enough. The best tongue kissing mimics foreplay (and real sex). Passionate kisses can cement deep connections. They tell your partner, “I trust you,” and “I want more of you.”

Although deep, penetrating, passionate kisses can use the tongue, it isn’t necessary to overwhelm your kissing-partner with the whole enchilada all at once, or for prolonged periods. Teasing is the true art of the coquette: The give, and the pullback.

The Moves Like Jagger

Being in the (kissing) moment means a lot more than focusing on how much lip or tongue pressure to use (although once you’re expert at it, that becomes second nature).

Use your body to enhance the kissing experience. Run your hands on your partner’s neck and face (being sensitive to his individual “touching” sensibilities). Move your fingers through his hair and down the length of his back. This is about passion and the lips are just the opening act (so to speak).

Nibble. Enough said.

Tilt your head for maximum comfort for both of you. Being in the moment means subtly checking to see what feels good, and what feels right.

Remember to communicate—both physically and verbally—with your kissing partner so you’ll know what each of you likes. Some people like to be bitten, some don’t. Don’t be offended or turned off if you don’t hit it right with the first kiss. There’s always time to regroup.

Pay attention to the important things like your breath and the condition of your lips, but don’t over think things to the point of paralysis. You don’t want to be such a “rules lawyer” that you miss out on all the fun that comes from experiencing the best kisses.