By JARRETT TERRILL

(Photo: Courtesy WMXDESIGN)

Paul Ryan is really something to look at, isn’t he? On the rare occasion that he smiles, it’s like heaven has just opened up before you. His square jawline, small ears, and light eyes are the stuff that we seek in models for gay magazines. He’s got that whole Abercrombie-meets-Bass Pro Shops thing going on that I find adorable.

Just looking at Paul Ryan gives me a sort of “tingle” that even Chris Mathews could never understand. I become disoriented and light-headed. His appearance motivates me: I want to lace up my boots and go out to do his bidding.

It’s important for America to eventually have a sexy Vice President, right?

That being said – when Paul Ryan speaks to the issues, he’s clearly Satan in a necktie. The Log Cabin Republicans don’t dare look at what the Human Rights Campaign has to say. It only took them one digit to send him straight to gay hell. He received the pitiful “0%” ranking on their congressional scorecard.

Let’s say for a moment, though, that you don’t give any weight to the most powerful gay rights lobbying group in America. There are other reasons that Paul Ryan is toxic. Ryan has repeatedly professed that he serves three gods: The first almighty recipient of the congressman’s devotion is clearly the Temple of Ayn Rand. Rand, as you may know by now, is the much-maligned preacher of the “Objectivist” philosophy and doctrine of unrestrained— extreme—Free Market Capitalism. This philosophy does not allow for LGBT persons to have any federal protections in the workforce. Ayn Rand says that you are not special for being either a minority or in the majority. You are an individual to whom anything can happen in capitalism, and your only shot at success is by being more of a carnivore than the next guy.

The next house in which Ryan will worship is nestled in a little place called Vatican City. The Roman Catholic Church is always going to be greater than the sum of its parts by design: There is currently a band of wayward nuns who are saying something about contraceptives in Indiana, but they are of no consequence to the Holy See- No-Evil. The Pope does a better job of protecting child molesters than he does gays or women.

The last—reluctant and beleaguered— object of Paul Ryan’s heavenly gaze is Mitt Romney himself. This faux fascination will be short-lived, I guarantee. We often reward those who bestow greatness upon us with temporary adoration. Ryan recently said that he stands firmly behind Romney’s record as a “job creator.” This is great news for China, where those jobs were actually created. It doesn’t quite wash with the people of Florida, however, where our unemployment level leaves us weighing the pros and cons of prostitution in its sincerest form.

I really do regret having to rain my “liberal hatred” all over Paul Ryan’s parade. Perhaps I’ll change my mind about him if I can see him with his shirt off.