ALEX VAUGHN
The holiday season is upon us, the Christmas music has already made it into the stores and everyone is starting to get swept up in the excitement/panic that is the holidays. As Thanksgiving approaches, people are beginning to prepare. Have you? What will you be doing?
The holidays, however, for a lot of gay people are not a time for rejoicing or for fun, but for sadness and loneliness. There are many people who have lost touch with their family, or who don’t feel they can be themselves with them, especially during religious occasions, so they opt out. This creates a downer for the few days, an encompassing sense of loneliness, and worse, a questioning of whether being themselves was really worth it?
Many gay people have created a different type of family unit that is comprised of friends, and all year round they aren’t lonely, they have people around and they don’t miss their family. They develop routines and fill their lives with the love and support they couldn’t get from their biological families. The holidays have the ability to upset this happy bubble and create a great deal of stress.
Unfortunately around this time of year, on the key days, Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, New Years Day, a lot of gay people lose many people in their circle as they leave to go somewhere else to spend time with their families (however unwilling they may be), leaving others left behind.
The main factor affecting the majority of the community during the holidays is stress. Your heightened stress can, and often does, come from every angle. Work, family, finances, social pressures all contribute and as everyone, gay or otherwise, tends to get stressed during the holidays. Under the jolly spirit, there is a simmering volcano that could erupt at any moment.
At work, as the year draws to a close, targets have to be hit, days off and holidays are all required to coincide–ultimately leaving one person stuck at the office, whilst everyone else is off celebrating. I have even heard of companies suggesting that as the gay man doesn’t have a wife and kids that there “family time” is not as important, feeling that you can see your friends at any time. In this case, don’t be stressed, be strong. You have a family to see at Thanksgiving and that’s that.
If you aren’t out at work, the office parties could be your stressor. They can be an extremely daunting occasion. This forced fun with co-workers can almost always be guaranteed to evoke fear and dread, particularly if you are subject to rumors or the advances of the dappy secretary. And what of the fear that you might get so drunk that you impulsively declare your love for your boss! That paranoia and anxiety goes triple for family gatherings. You go home to wherever and while your sister and her two kids are the joy of the party, you are sitting out of the loop wishing you had stayed home, whilst fending off questions from your Aunt Miriam about when you will settle down with the right girl (or boy)!
If you are out to your family, that is great. Yet as I have heard so many people say recently, “I’m not going home, my step-father is a bible-basher/homophobe/bigot.” Or the excuse, “I would go home, but I can’t be myself and I know my life choices irritate my family.
I’m better off staying away.” My very favorite is, “my brother is a homophobic oaf, who thinks being gay is dumb!” If that is how you feel, minimize the stress and don’t go!
Even if you don’t go, there is the financial aspect of the holidays. Without question, holidays cost money, be it for the Thanksgiving dinner, the Black Friday extravaganza or the gifts for Christmas. The trick to combating this is to be realistic about what you can afford. Don’t be running to buy your friend a watch to show how much money you have, if you are paying it off for the next year, you may not even be friends with him or her when you are done! Also be realistic about why you are buying gifts and what you want to say. At this time of year, and in this economy, the thought really will count. As long as your gift says “I’m thankful for you and I love you,” trust me, that doesn’t have to come from a Bal Harbour Store!
Plan your budget, be real about who you get gifts for and why.
Being real and realistic during this season, is not only important in terms of “being yourself,” but also in terms of the reality of the situation. This is not your life. It is simply a few days out of it.
Social pressure to be festive and bright, thankful, cheery etc., when you just don’t feel it, also stresses you out, and at this point, it is important to remember to avoid quick fixes that will stress you out further. Don’t try and hide away in a bottle of Jack Daniels, or try and buy yourself into the festive spirit. It simply will not work and you will pay for it, either with the mother of all hangovers or a credit card bill that will outlast the holiday weekend, 2014! The other thing to remember during the holidays is that though it is acceptable, we drink a little more at this time of year. Watch it! Alcohol is a depressant. Though it’s tempting to go to a bar and nurse your drink rather than staying at home, think of that old adage about “being alone in a crowd.”
As stressful and upsetting as the holidays can be for many people, it is temporary. If you are dragged to the Bible Belt to be with your family, you are only there for a few days. Smile, keep your head down, and get through it! If you do go to a work-related event, have a pre-prepared plan to duck out early for another engagement after an hour, and before anything embarrassing can happen.
Other ways to combat holiday stress and depression include planning, planning and planning. It is a week till thanksgiving. Don’t leave it to the last minute. Call your friends; find out what they are all doing. Organize with your best friends, your closest allies to spend the day together, to cook, to bring food, to have wine, whatever it may be. If you find all your friends are out of town, then remember there are a lot of restaurants that will be open. See if you can find someone to go with. Contrary to what I have said in the past about finding and keeping friends, I am sure that on Thanksgiving day, people here will be as kind and as welcoming as they are
anywhere. After all, didn’t the first Thanksgiving happen when strangers came together over a feast? With that in mind, if you do know someone who you may not be super in love with, but know has no plans over Thanksgiving, invite him or her in with your friends/family. They will appreciate it more than you could know. I know I would.
Alex Vaughn is the Editor-in-Chief of the Florida Agenda. He can be reached at editor@FloridaAgenda.com
