By Michael French

Gossip is an unconstrained and most often derogatory conversation about other people. It can involve betraying a confidence, spreading sensitive information or making hurtful judgments. Gossip can be truly injurious to someone’s life and, in this litigious society, the perpetrator could find himself in court!

Watch the movie “The Children’s Hour” with Audrey Hepburn and Shirley MacLaine. A vicious rumor spewed by a spoiled, unhappy girl causes an unspeakable tragedy and ruins the lives of at least three people. It was way ahead of its time.

Habitual gossipers have very high levels of anxiety. They are generally unpopular because they become known as gossipers and untrustworthy.

Spreading private information or negative judgments is very painful to others, reflecting poorly upon the character of the person gossiping. There are many reasons people gossip:

• To feel superior. People with poor self-esteem temporarily feel better by making disparaging remarks about others.

• Out of boredom. When people can’t generate thought-provoking discussions based on knowledge or ideas, gossip can pique other’s interest.

• Out of envy. This is a big one. People gossip in order to hurt those they perceive as being more popular, more talented or having a better lifestyle that thy envy.

• To feel like part of the group.

People gossip to feel as though they belong to the group. Yet, when acceptance is based on being “in on a secret,” it is not based on a person’s identity, but on cruel exclusion or maliciousness.

• For attention. A person gets to be the temporary center of attention. Yet, spreading gossip and rumors is like buying attention: It’s only temporary and has no foundation. This person is not remembered as trustworthy and people will be very reluctant to confide in him or her.

• Out of anger or unhappiness. A person can derive a sense of retribution with disparaging remarks, but their motive is transparent to any wise person.

It’s not always gossip when people talk about others. It’s natural to be curious about what’s going on in others’ lives. The key is to look at the intent in discussing other people and their relationships. Is the goal to understand the actions of another person or to improve the quality of life and relationships? Is there a genuine concern present, or is it just drama? People often need to vent about troubles and issues in their relationships, with co-workers, families and life in general. It doesn’t take a genius to know what someone’s motive is. Is the gossiper’s intent purely to feel a sense of superiority or get attention with disparaging remarks?

How can you diffuse unwelcome gossip? It’s important not to fuel the gossiper with curiosity, agreement, and further questions. It’s best to change the subject with statements like; “I notice you talk about John a lot. I’m curious why he interests you so much” or “Let’s look at it from John’s side” or even “I feel uncomfortable listening to negative judgments about John unless we figure out how to help him”.

If someone feels compelled to tell you something another person has said about you, that person who allegedly made the comment isn’t hurting you. It’s the one telling you! With some exceptions, they have some clandestine agenda shrouded in their not-so-forthright motives.

The conclusion is: Gossipers show others his or her insecurity and mean spiritedness. This leaves a bad taste in everyone’s mouth, as if they had just eaten a bad apple. Ultimately, insight into the intricacies of human relations is more interesting, uplifting, constructive and enlightening than caustic one-dimensional judgments and damaging rumors.

We are all tempted to gossip. When you feel that temptation, first and foremost, think of the “Golden Rule”. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot; what really, if anything, especially positive will come of the nasty comments? The adage “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all,” holds true.

Instead of judging, be grateful you’re not the person, being gossiped about. If you’re the audience of a gossiper, take head. Associating with this person puts you at risk of being seen in a bad light. And, don’t think you’re immune from their venom. You could be their next target!

Michael French, is Agenda’s Home from Home columnist. Contact Michael at mf7954fla@gmail.com