By AJ Cross

A very attractive 19-year old young man from Puerto Rico looks at me with his hazel green eyes and begins to tell me about an important woman in his life. She is a woman who is brave and bold and empowers him whenever she is around. He tells me that it is only when she is present that he feels all of his inhibitions fade away. He tells me that when he looks into the mirror “she looks back at me”. Carlos is a 19-year old transexual with hopes of one day being able to afford the operation and hormones that will allow him to become a woman. He sits across from me in cargo shorts, sandals and a white tank top. From where I sit, he is a very cute guy with intelligent eyes and he speaks with a slight accent which gives off a certain naivety I find charming.

I wondered why a person born to be such a beautiful boy was not happy with that. In my ignorance, I thought perhaps it would be more understandable if he were esthetically unattractive and because of that he decided to put knife to skin in order to achieve a higher level of appeal. As our conversation continued, I began to realize that his interest in changing his sex had absolutely nothing to do with whether or not he was attractive – or even if he perceived himself that way.  He said it best when he stated that “God made a mistake and I was supposed to be a woman”. Now as a man who is very happy being a man and very happy with the fact that I have the proper anatomical equipment that comes with being a man, I had to really step outside of my own head to truly grasp this concept.

He began to describe some of the reasons why he believed himself to be a woman trapped in a man’s body. He told me that he had dreams of giving birth and that he would wake up a with a sense of calm and happiness, and that as a child he would hold his teddy bear like a mother holding its baby and would walk it around his house in his younger sister’s baby stroller. He said that he had a total disinterest in men’s clothing and would secretly envy his mother because she would wear beautiful dresses and shoes every Sunday for church while he was forced to wear pants, a button down shirt, vest and a bow tie. He continued explaining to me that he is disgusted by his penis. Even when men have told him that he was large and it was beautiful, he would simply turn over and let the men “have their way with him”. He was open about the fact that he had only ever bottomed and that he would feel sick in his stomach if someone even suggested that he should top them.

He said that he never let a guy perform oral on him and would insist that he do all of the servicing in an intimate situation. He told me that he would only sleep with men who treated him like he was a woman and since woman didn’t have a penis that no one should have an interest in his.

Again, this was a very difficult mindset for me to grasp because, from my standpoint, the fact that the person I am with has a penis is one of the great physical appeals. I really wanted to understand all of this and, as I have encountered so many drag queens, transvestites and transsexuals in my life never having had the opportunity to explore the topic with them, I could not lose this chance to delve into the psyche of a young man who was headed in that direction.

I asked him the following questions and here were his responses:

Me: Have you ever referred to your butt as a vagina during sex?

Carlos: Yes! That is what it is.

Me: Have you had sex with another man dressed as a woman?

Carlos: No! I’m not a fake. I do not want to trick someone or shock them. I will have sex with a man as my true self soon enough.
Me: As I sit here speaking to you, I find that you have a normal guys voice and you come across rather masculine. How come you do not alter your voice or the way you carry yourself to appear more feminine?

Carlos: Again, I’m not trying to pretend I am a woman. I am a woman trapped in this body. My voice is my voice for now. But one day it will change. This whole thing I am going to do is about being real and showing the world who I really am, and if I start faking that now, there is no point.

As the conversation continued, I asked him to show me some pictures of him as a woman and he smiled as if he was so happy I asked. He pulled out his cell phone and began to slide through photos of him in drag and I have to admit he was just as beautiful dressed as woman as he was as a boy. He began to tell me that the world is just learning to understand – or at least accept –  homosexuals, and even homosexuals have not really tried to understand transvestites and transsexuals. He told me that he thinks it has always been and will always be a harder struggle for  people like him, because he is in the minority of minorities. I think he is right.

I think that we, as a united gay community, need to do a better job of understanding one another before we demand that heterosexuals try to understand us. We need to seek out people like Carlos who think they are alone in their thoughts and feelings and let them know that they are not alone and that who they are or who they think they should be has a place in this world. I tell this story to celebrate the courage of Carlos and all of my fellow gay brothers who think they should be my sisters. If you are a boy who looks in the mirror and sees a woman looking back at you, then this story is to inspire and encourage you and give you some love. Be true to yourself and it will work out. I end this week’s columns with a quote from Carlos; “sitting down to pee is more comfortable”.