ALEX VAUGHN

That wonderful old saying comes to mind, ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ attributed usually to a man who doesn’t want to get married when he can get all the benefits without the cost, so to speak.

Well, there is a slight shift in the community. More men are apparently waiting before they ‘do the deed’ so as to not be seen as that infamous skank! So, we get the ‘why ‘in the theory, but in practice it’s a different story. In a community driven greatly by sex and men and women’s needs, there is no doubt that things are different in the gay community. Hook up sites, bars notorious for their ease in acquiring a string-free night of passion, sex clubs and bathhouses all make sex readily and extremely easily available.
So, you have decided you want more – the whole works: picket fence, his and his SUVs in the driveway, etc. Therefore, you have to play it differently than you did with the guy you met last week that didn’t call. You meet the new guy at a bar or online and you tell him you want to wait a bit before you do the deed. Fantastic, pioneering even, but why are you waiting? To see if you click? OK, so that’s a couple of dates to see if there is a long term future; maybe a couple more to see if you take perfect portraits together and have the same taste in interiors … too long! The chances are, he has been bumping uglies with someone else while you have been waiting.

There is nothing wrong with not jumping in bed straight away; in fact, it’s unique … novel even. But overplay your hand and you lose the whole game. No one buys a car (or the cow for that matter) without a test drive. Whether you like it or not, the reality of gay relationships is sex is a huge part of them; no matter what people say, it just is.

Be realistic. If you have met the guy online and he was up for it, or you’ve seen him in the bars before with different guys, let’s not be naïve and presume because you are making him wait to fulfil a promise you have no made to change your habits, that he is doing the same. We all get to a stage in life, whether it be at 22 or 62, that we want to settle down. But for all the equality, there are different dynamics in gay and straight relationships.

You wouldn’t marry the girl you met at the bar who put out on the first night … then of course I am reminded of the ‘urban relationship legend’ where someone did and they went on to be a happily married couple and lived happily ever after. The same myth occurs on both sides of the gay coin, but more often than not it’s not the guys that waited six weeks to have it off, but those that met across a crowded bar or on a hook up site … hooked up and haven’t been apart since.

The other downfall with the waiting game is what happens when you wait and all the other pieces click. You like the same things, your opposite views attract, you make the picture perfect couple, in fact, and then it  happens: You have planned it all out, candles, soft music, and woops – he is dire; not just bad, but kisses like a fish and the passion you shared over a French movie didn’t translate in any shape or form into the French kiss you had been expecting to explode into hours of passion.

Well, you are royally screwed. He is smitten now and you are unsatisfied and quickly realize you just wasted six weeks falling for someone you have now massacred any feelings of lust for because he was just bad.

Uh oh … what if the flip has occurred and I actually know someone who had this. They waited and waited, did the deed and the next day he dumped him. ‘It’s not you. It’s me. I am not in that place right now’. Translation: ‘You are crap in bed and I am disappointed and annoyed I wasted so much time!’

Now, that said of course, it could be wonderful and perfect – that special time; but the next wonder is, ‘was he really waiting?’ If he is online and seeking a hook up, the chances are he is happy to wait while he gets his fun and his needs met on the side. Don’t worry – he will do the dinner thing and enjoy the romance, but he has needs and any man will satisfy them.

By no means am I suggesting the way around these dilemmas is to sleep first and ask questions later, but read the signals. If you are paying for dinner every time and he’s holding out because he wants to wait, consider this realistically. The majority of gay men don’t wait, so why is he? He may genuinely be trying to make sure he gets a real relationship or, more likely, he is enjoying the fruits, without offering any.

The reality is also that the waiting game puts a huge amount of pressure and strain on both people involved. Consider your wait carefully; where do you think he is on it? If this is a match made in heaven, you will both know when passion takes over and the time is right. Waiting for the sake of it kills the passion and I promise you does not make you come across as an angel or the perfect guy.

Stick to the rule that heterosexuals follow roughly: expect no sex until earliest date three, and that means date, not third time you see them in the same bar on the same night. Use the waiting time wisely, get to know them, what they like in all areas of life, including the bedroom … another waiting pitfall is when the night of the deed arrives and you discover to your utter surprise that your perfect Architectural Digest husband is, in fact, into cross dressing S&M with candles and apparatus, you can’t believe youhave never seen this before!

So, back to the rules: Three dates minimum, BUT follow your instincts. If, by the third date, you aren’t ready, then don’t rush into it; but once you hit date six – or worse, week six – do it or don’t.  If you aren’t ready by then, you won’t ever be and the chances are he’s playing the Action Game with someone else!

Alex Vaughn is the Editor-in-Chief of the Florida Agenda. He can be reached at editor@FloridaAgenda.com