Okay, before I even start this column, I want to make sure that I’m clear with everyone on something: I am not a whore. Sure, just like any other good natured gay guy, I’ve had my share of one night stands and 7-way gangbangs, but I don’t feel like that qualifies as me as a “Grade-A Skank”. Here’s my rule of thumb: If my sexual forays don’t shock my Great Aunt Chloe, then it can’t be that bad. Thankfully, my Great Aunt Chloe is a fairly open-minded individual, but considering that she used to run a brothel between the years of 1942 and 1957, I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising.

With that said, I think we can all recognize that sometimes we go out, drink a few too many Tom Collins cocktails and make decisions that lead us to waking up next to a total stranger. It’s okay!  There’s no need to be ashamed. Everyone has been there, and if someone says they haven’t, well, I would point my finger in their face and call them either a dirty, little liar or Representative

Anthony Weiner. The point being, I would totally dismiss them for telling me the truth.

So, now that we’ve all admitted that we’ve made mistakes in the past, I think it’s important to realize that unless we stop drinking booze (HA! Yeah right!), we’re probably going to repeat these mistakes again at some point in our lives.  But what is one to do when they wake up next to that stranger in bed? How do you make a situation that is totally awkward become not awkward? Well, if you take heed and listen to my advice, I might just be able to help you out in those very touchy situations.

Situation #1 – You wake up in a (not so hot) stranger’s bed: Okay, this is actually the best situation you can be in. Let’s pretend that you wake up next to someone  that you mistake for being physically deformed. While during the night before you thought you were going to hook up with Hugh Jackman’s doppelganger, it is probably quite a bummer to wake up and realize that you may have had relations with Hugh Jackman’s one-chromosome-missing twin. For the time being, refrain from embracing that feeling of ickiness and realize that you just need to get the F out of there and fast! My excuse? I always just tell the person that I have a pet at home that will probably die of starvation unless I get back soon. If the funny looking fellow tries to insist on you staying for just a little longer, you can always tell them that you’ve already had some run-ins with the Humane Society and you really don’t need another mishap. Most likely they’ll understand and let you leave. When you get home, shower immediately. If necessary, you can use your tears as body wash.

Situation #2 – A (not so hot) stranger wakes up next to you in your bed: This situation is way worse than situation #1.  Rather than being able to give some lame excuse to get out, you now have to think of some lame excuse to make the person want to leave. In these situations, I usually try to think of ways that I can disgust the person into thinking they need to go.  Some things that have worked well include saying that you have to get them out before your boyfriend comes home, feigning explosive diarrhea, or telling the stranger that they might want to see a doctor sometime soon. All these stories make you appear to be off-putting (and kinda gross), which is just the right thing to do in order to make them want to leave.

Situation #3 – A hot stranger wakes up next to you in your bed: This is awesome. You may not really know what happened last night but, by golly, you did something right. Maybe it was the extra spray of Cool Water cologne or that dead-on impression of Little Edie from Grey Gardens that you did but, regardless of the catalyst, you somehow managed to pull some sweet ass.

Assuming you don’t want the angel to leave so quickly, you need to think of a way to try to ensnare the person into your web of love. While tying them up with bungee cords may seem like a good idea at the time, let me tell you that executing such an idea will only end up getting you accused of a Class B felony.

Instead, maybe offer to make breakfast for your guest, and if you have zero culinary skills, then suggest going to brunch. If you do the latter, try to take your date to a brunch with mimosas. Who knows? Maybe a few cocktails can help you get a repeat of last night by mid-afternoon!

Situation #4 – You wake up in a hot stranger’s bed: Default into lesbian mode and try to move in before they have a chance to object. If necessary, start crying and tell them that you’re pretty sure that the both of you were destined to be soul mates. This won’t be weird at all.

There you have it! You now have a solution for all the possible awkward situations that you can find yourself in.  Now, if for some reason you find yourself in a unique situation where none of the above four scenarios fit your case, then I suggest always keeping an emergency kit on you. This emergency kit means you have a cell phone, a local cab company’s number and money for the fare. No matter what, the combined power of these things can always help to either get you the hell back home or send your date on their merry way. Just make sure to always be safe in all your adventures!

The Observationist is the community at all times to provide you with a unique point of view. To contact him, email Editor@FloridaAgenda.com