When it comes to life, there are some moments permanently engraved in our minds: Our first kiss, our first love, our first pair of Prada navy suede logo penny loafers. There are also some memories, however, we could spend a lifetime trying to forget. In some cases, these memories can leave profound scars, hindering our journey toward self-healing and forgiveness.
This can leave many of us trapped in the numbing, powerless role of “the victim”. But somehow many of us take the small crucial steps toward survival and even learn to thrive in spite of it all.
As a rule of thumb, most mental health counselors avoid the word “victim.” This may even include those who have experienced traumatic, life changing events (sexual abuse, health diagnoses, loss of a loved one, etc.). The word victim implies a lack of choices or a sense of helplessness. This perspective could leave individuals preoccupied with the past, creating a barrier towards progress. As an alternative, we prefer them to self-identify as “survivors”.
Survivors see the world differently from victims. They still struggle to find reasons for their problems, but seek out help to overcome them. Survivors also tend to not be as isolated and can see their own negative patterns. This path from victim to survivor is paved with patience, hard work and a unique inner strength that can only be described as heroic. Make no mistake: Their evolution is to be envied and celebrated. These individuals push to pick themselves up and attempt to create a healthier life in spite of their past experiences, even when they have trouble believing it for themselves.
In some cases, the process challenges them to relive the trauma in hopes of escaping its suffocating and paralyzing power. This process is as individual as the people themselves. The process can’t be rushed, as so many loving bystanders naively may hope – and even express. Survivors are also not expected to ignore o r deny t h a t t h e y have been v i c t imi z e d ; rather, come to a point of acceptance and understanding to allow them to take control of their life. What most come to discover is that there is no magic wand that can erase the memories or undo the past. They learn to cope with negative and distracting feelings and thoughts. And, although they realize they may never be “cured” or “freed” of these traumas, they strive each day to move forward.
The eventual goal is to commit to this healing process, and thrive. Survivors who move into the “thriver” role become more satisfied with life, create long-term goals and revive feelings of empowerment, compassion, joy and love. One way they do this is by connecting with others, sharing their story and acting as a source of strength for others. Thrivers, more than anyone, echo the sentiment: This too shall pass.
Sam Knew, MSW is an educator and a local counselor. He can be reached at samknewmsw@gmail.com
