ALEX VAUGHN

As Miami Pride approaches, we are all feeling festively proud again, a lot of the attitude of pride is clear; to be proud you are surely ‘out’. Sure we see many guys on the floats, in the parade and parading around demonstrating it is safe to be out, and that they are out loud and proud. Showing those who are afraid, that there is a fun exciting and fabulous time to be had if you are out and proud. The question is do you have to be out to be proud?

I say no. Remember all the frivolity you see at Pride celebrations and even in the bars are not representations of the entirety of living your life “out”. One day out of the year (in South Florida granted it’s considerably more than one day with the range of pride celebrations) is great, but what happens the day after? There is still a huge class of homophobia and the ‘safety of the community’ is more often than not as encompassing as it’s made out to be. Don’t get me wrong, with amazing places like the Pride Center , that do offer fantastic resources for those struggling with the decision of coming out, a range counselling and support groups exist to help ease those troubled by the reaction of their friends and family.

I, however, am going to say it. There are many situations where coming out is not a good idea. I also don’t think your unwillingness to shout your sexuality from the rooftops demonstrates a lack of pride, but more an increased sensitivity to those you know.

Many people will argue; you can’t truly live your life honestly until you tell people you are gay. Well, straight people don’t HAVE to announce they are straight to be themselves, it’s just a given, and if  the base of all gay rights is to be believed and we expect to have equal rights, the right to privacy over our sexuality is surely one of them?

Many people go into coming out expecting the earth and are disappointed, or worse devastated. The messages that the community relies on often times fall short of reality. It is not necessarily better to be out. You could still go to bars, fool around even fall in love without having to make the big grand announcement.

It is up to you and only you. Hearing people suggest, or worse, bully you into believing because you haven’t come out you must be ashamed, is unfair and wrong. You know your friends and family best so you can decide and weigh up the fall out. If you want to come out for you then do it. If you are doing it for someone else, or worse because you feel pressured by your peers, take note that you won’t be any more proud and if it unfortunately doesn’t go to plan you could end up in a situation of deep resentment.

If and when you do come out, you can’t expect your life to be a big happy gay parade, there will be people who don’t accept you, you may lose friends or family as a result. In my opinion, it’s not always the right thing to do. Just look at the news; politicians and celebrities are always being “outed”, or coming out because they have been caught out in a bathroom or a park. The negativity surrounding it because they are married and or are fathers is swiftly and neatly cleaned up by a big announcement that they have to admit to the nation ‘who they truly are’.  Then a year or so of gay rights campaigning and bingo – no issue, as far as we are concerned they are out proud and happy. However what about the wife? We don’t see her on TV claiming she is so glad he came out, and is truly himself. I have heard many stories as I am sure you all have, where actually the man in question, the wife and the kids all wished he hadn’t come out and that the stigma wasn’t there. It’s a selfish act that won’t always bring happiness. If you are married or ‘on the down low’ take note of what you have and weigh up whether the big announcement is worth the potential cost.

If you do decide to go ahead, do it with as open a mind as you expect people to have. Don’t demand acceptance, don’t demand understanding, quite simply don’t demand anything. Offer time and space for those close to you to process. Remember they might be shocked or confused so give them some leeway.

I watched an interview with Portia De Rossi on Oprah the other day and she said her mother said she loved her and accepted her, but didn’t think she should tell people because they may not understand. She also said that she wished it was different but accepted her none the less. Portia said on national TV that her answer proved she was ashamed and that hers , and any parents answer to a child coming out should be ‘who cares’. I felt this was incredibly unfair, her mother told her she loved her and accepted her. That should be enough.

Be proud in Miami or wherever you are not just for pride, but always for who you are. Remember telling everyone who you sleep with or who you love is not a measure of your pride or self-worth, it is your privacy and if you chose to share it then do so. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Alex Vaugn is the Editor-in-Chief of the Florida Agenda.  He can be  reached at editor@FloridaAgenda.com