By DR. DALTON A. YAKERTY

Reader’s Question:
“Before you get too emotionally involved
with someone, before your friends and family
get too interwoven, before you move in
together and get financially entangled, is
there any reliable way to know if the two of
you are good candidates for a workable and
lasting relationship?”

Dr. Yakerty:

There are no fireproof guarantees in life, there’s no one or no method that can ensure you won’t get hurt or disappointed. Love is a gamble, but that doesn’t mean you can’t improve the odds.

Yes, there are a ton of psychological and sociological studies on this question. Most of them go astray by the many intangibles and variables involved in any relationship, but a handful have come up with some reliable guidelines rather than mere gobbledygook.

• More important than looks, sex, money, or how much fun you may have is whether you share some common interests and a good deal of the same core values. In the long run, nothing can substitute for that.

• Each person in the relationship must have a healthy sense of how hard it can be to live with him or her. The minute one person begins to think they’re easy to live with but the other person is hard, then you start on a downward road from which it’s difficult to return.

• Notice at the beginning how they treat service people, for that may reveal more of how they will act after the honeymoon wears off. Pay attention also to what the relat i o n – ships of their siblings are like, for that may tell you about the patterns they were ingrained with at an early age.

• Couples who stick together don’t require a heads-over-heels love, but they do have to genuinely like each other. Liking and loving are two different things, and research shows that day-today liking may be more crucial.

• And maybe the most crucial thing of all is a beneficial way to work t h rough y o u r problems once they occur. For if one person conceals his feelings, or if one refuses to listen to the other’s concerns or to deal with them, then you won’t be able to grow and learn together.

Wise teachers also know that a story can be a far better way to make a point than free-floating advice, and indirectly I think the following may offer better guidance to couples than all the empirical studies combined.

There’s an old southern folk tale that goes like this: A man died and went to heaven. St. Peter told him that before he passed through the pearly gates he must pay a visit to hell. Once there the man was horrified, for everywhere he saw starving people, and to each of their left arms was fasten a six-foot fork and to their right a six foot knife. The dinner bell rung and they rushed to tables filled with food, but no matter how they tried they couldn’t get it to their mouths. Then the man was taken to heaven and to his amazement everyone there also had huge utensils attached to their arms, but they looked well fed and happy. And he learned the reason when he saw them at their evening meal, for they turned and fed each other. “Why,” he asked St. Peter, “has that never occurred to the people in hell?” St. Peter replied, “it’s because that alternative hasn’t occurred to them that they are in hell.”

To submit a question, e-mail DrYakerty@aol.com.