By ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.
Just as individuals go through predictable stages of adult development, so do relationships. These stages precipitate conflicts as well as clashes of needs. Mature relationships often bring on a sense of boredom or a feeling that the individuals have “grown apart.” While commitment may be strong, communication may have deteriorated as a result of anticipated hurt and/or rejection. Often one or both partners feel trapped in the connection with strong ambivalence about staying together.
Many couples end up resigning themselves to an unhappy or unsatisfactory “marriage;” others simply split up seeing no way forward. A little talked about option is the so called “marriage sabbatical” in which the individuals take some needed time and space to help balance needs for intimacy and autonomy.
The sabbatical may take many different forms depending on the needs and desires of the specific couple. There may be a reorganization of household space, taking separate bedrooms, planning for separate time or separate vacations or even living separately for a while to assess one’s own path and his/her partner’s role in his/her life. There may be agreements regarding how and how often to communicate, how and how often to see one another, whether to have sexual relations together or even whether it is OK to experience sexual exploration outside of the relationship. The parameters for a marriage sabbatical are best negotiated and contracted with a well trained couples therapist who understands the sabbatical process as an exploration and not a separation.
These sorts of alternatives to divorce may help couples who are “stuck” in dysfunctional relationships and need time for personal growth and development before making a recommitment to the marriage or moving on. When couples choose to stay together after a sabbatical they do so with a new understanding of themselves and their needs and desires. When couples decide to divorce they usually do so more amicably, because the partners truly know why they are separating. The decision to move on then is more likely by mutual choice and therefore less victimization occurs.
Arlen Keith Leight, PhD, LLC, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Wilton Manors.
For more information, visit www.DoctorLeight.com
