Between Thanksgiving and New Years we have our calendar’s most concentrated span of holidays, a time of traditions and high expectations that can present hurdles for many in the LGBT community.
Predicament One
“Don’t think I’m alone, but I dread the coming of Christmas and New Years. Otherwise I can handle being single, I can deal with my family’s disdain for me being gay, BUT not in December. I find myself turning into a real Scrooge, resenting how happy other people seem to be, so I withdraw, and that only makes it worst.”
My View on One
You’re definitely not alone. There are certain days of the year that are magnifying days. If you’re happy on those, then you tend to be unusually happy, and vice-versa. If you’re sad you tend to be very sad. The biggest magnifying day for most is Christmas, so you have to prepare yourself, take control of the day rather than letting the holidays control you. Don’t concentrate on what you don’t have, because that just leads you deeper into self-pity. Plan some things that you will make you happy. Maybe using the extra days you have off to take that trip you’ve been postponing. Don’t let the presents under the tree be at the whim of others, but make sure there are a couple of things you know will please you. And rather than making yourself the focus, make the season meaningful for someo n e e l s e , doing something nice for that lonely person in your building, volunteering for a soup kitchen on Christmas day, visiting people in the hospital who are alone. Just because you’re not having the Christmas the commercials say you should have, doesn’t mean you can’t have one that brings you joy in other ways.
Predicament Two
“My partner of six years insists on returning to his family in another state for Christmas each year, and I feel he should stay with me. He says his parents will not live forever and he can’t break the tradition of not returning home. Is he being fair? Am I being unfair in expecting him to spend Christmas with me? Going home with him is not an option. We’re both in our 40’s.”
My View on Two
Among straights and gays, there are some people who get married/form a partnership, and yet continue in some ways to act like they’re single. Sounds like that’s what y o u r partner is doing. Sit down and explain why it’s important that you be together as your own family and see if you can’t reach a compromise. Maybe he can go there the day after. Whenever problems seem to be an either/or proposition, that usually means we’re seeing only part of the picture.
Predicament Three
My partner is a non-practicing Jew, and I’m a southern Baptist who grew up in a home where Christmas was a 30 day affair. The rest of the year our different backgrounds don’t seem to clash, but she doesn’t want me to decorate the house in anyway. She’s not interested in Hanukkah, and tells me if I love her I won’t make her uncomfortable by putting up a tree or anything else, even though I told her I won’t make it particularly religious. Have gone along with this for three years, but I really resent her asking me to ignore my traditions in favor of no traditions.”
My View on Three
One of the lies we’re told is that if you truly love each other, different religions won’t matter, and then we can be knocked for a loop when they do. We act as if all religions/ denominations are the same, without taking into account that it also means different traditions, cultures – even when the background is not particularly religious. Such differences require understanding and flexibility on both sides, without either laying down the law. Professional couples counseling may be needed.
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