By ARLEN KEITH LEIGHT, PH.D.

The short-lived relationship was rocky at best. You initially thought this man was really for you. Thinking about him made you feel whole, happy and hopeful. He showed great interest in being with you. He had some great qualities, but right from the start you knew there were some “issues.” Being the eternal optimist you figured you’d work at it in hopes of true love, romance and relationship. You almost immediately felt a total emotional commitment. You found yourself thinking about him often – maybe obsessively – and projecting a life together. When the problems became greater than the “relationship” satisfaction, it ended with a feeling of relief mixed with disappointment. But now it is time to move on, and before you can blink an eye someone appears with great qualities and, well, some “issues.” Despite that why not see if this new man is “the one?” So you invest again only to find later you are ready to jump ship again. Within days of it ending, another “true love” comes along.

This pattern of obsessive-compulsive behavior is complex and multi-dimensional. The likelihood is that you feel empty and lonely without feeling the attention and love of a potential partner. The pain of each break-up is avoided by the emersion into the next relationship. There was likely childhood emotional neglect and/or abuse. By ignoring red flags or lacking filters to make wise choices, you are essentially asking for a repetition of childhood abuse, neglect and/or emotional pain.

Unconsciously you are repeating the family- of-origin pattern, which is actually familiar and comfortable compared with the prospect of true intimacy. The repetitive compulsion is an unconscious attempt to heal the wounds of childhood thinking that the new person will fully love you because of the interest shown upon meeting. It is this initial interest that is so alluring and bypasses your rational mind that might otherwise realize the prospective partner is not a good match.

The initial excitement of a relationship provides a brain chemical brain response that creates a high, which has the potential to be very addicting and covers up any feelings of loss or grief associated with the last relationship or childhood pain.

Despite the near desperation to be in a relationship, the pattern actually sets you up for future loneliness — the very feeling you are trying to avoid.

Here are some suggested steps to remedy the behavior pattern:

1. Find a therapist who is not invested in your desire to be in a relationship.

2. Take time off from dating to be by yourself; feel the pain of loneliness and be with the anxiety.

3.. Work on feeling good and complete about yourself. Remember, fulfillment does not require partnership.

4.. After a sufficient period of time, enter the dating world slowly and know what you want in a partner.

 5.. Experience dating without a relationship in mind. Don’t limit yourself to one person and don’t confuse interest from others with love.

6.. If you are going to date someone more than a couple of times, be sure they are emotionally, intellectually and sexually available and compatible. Learn to say “no” if there are red flags