Editor’s note: In this unusual advice column a personal problem will be described and then Dr. Yakerty, a trained counselor and psychologist, will give his professional advice, followed by a counter view offered either by another psychologist, a reader like yourself, or just a blunt friend.

By Dr. Dalton A. Yakerty

The Predicament
“My lover doesn’t accept he’s gay.  He absolutely HATES being gay, but he won’t get any counseling for this.  Says his feelings are perfectly normal.  That it’s us who accept homosexuality who are the abnormal ones.  Sometimes right in the middle of sex he gets disgusted with himself for being ‘that way’ and jumps outta bed as if I have the plague.  I love him but think I’m just begging for heartbreak if I get deeper involved.  Is there any hope?”

My View
There are at least two big questions raised by this predicament and the counter view.

First, is it possible for someone to change their sexual orientation as ex-gay ministries claim?

Just last year, the American Psychological Association concluded after a new and comprehensive review of research and papers from both sides that such therapies and those who advocate them “have not produced any scientific research to substantiate their claims of  ‘cure.”   Yet there’s hard evidence such reparative therapies can do physical and psychological harm to the individual.

Also the American Psychological Association, as well as other scientific groups, have stated there’s no need for a “cure,” since homosexuality is not a disease or a mental disorder.

Even some of the ex-gay ministries no longer claim they can change someone’s orientation to the opposite sex, but only that they can program you so you are repulsed by the idea of same gender relations and therefore will no longer act on these desires.  In other words, they can turn you into someone who can no longer love anyone physically.

Secondly, is it possible for someone with negative views about homosexuality to change those attitudes?  The answer to that is definitely yes.

You don’t have a choice over your basic sexual orientation, but you do have a choice over what meaning you give to it.

Granted our homophobic society, it’s understandable gays would absorb some negative images, but for most people those fade as they learn personally the facts from the lies, and have the stereotypes shattered by being exposed to the wide variety of personalities and lifestyles within the GLBT community.  When all that happens, Gay Pride is no longer just a slogan.

And keep in mind that being gay is only one of the things you are.

Assuming your lover already knows these truths and yet is still unwilling to examine or doubt his attitude with you or any professional counselor, then I’m afraid there doesn’t appear to be a realistic hope for much change in the near future.

As a wise old woman once told me,  “Unless you accept who you are, you’ll miss happiness by far.”

Counter-View from a Reader
“Maybe to your other readers this is a hypothetical situation to B.S. over, but it was a hell I lived through. My former partner hated himself for loving another man.  I also urged him to see a therapist and he finally agreed.  A few weeks later I came home and found a note saying he’d gone to a counselor at a certain church on highway 1 and they were sending him to an ex-gay ministry camp called Exodus International that would save him from ‘this terrible infliction.’  All my efforts to contact him failed and to this day I don’t know what happened to him, and also to this day I keep thinking what could I’ve done differently to make it turn out differently. The answer always comes back … nothing.”
Would YOU like to give advice in our next column?
Read the predicament below and tell us what you would say to this person.  The best one will be printed along with Dr. Yakerty’s response.  Send it to DrYakerty@aol.com

“What do you do if the person who makes you the happiest doesn’t make you happy enough? We’ve been dating a year and he wants me to move in with him, so it’s crunch time.  Do I settle for a relationship that’s less than I want?  I don’t want to do that.  I see too many guys around Fort Lauderdale who do that.  But what if  I’m throwing away the best relationship I’ll ever have for something I’ll never have.  Help me before I make a big mistake.”