Bleach your teeth and your butt white and then maybe I’ll talk to you!

WHY ARE THEY SENDING BOYS TO DO a man’s job trying to fill that hole in the ocean leaking all that oil? They should give credit where credit is due and send in some Gay men to plug up that big hole.

I HATE THE FACT THAT MY ASSIGNED parking spot is under a tree that drops nasty tree shit on my car every day. Carwashes are now officially pointless.

IF OBAMA REALLY wanted to get all the gays out of the military, he would send Lady Gaga to Afghanistan to perform for the troops.

All the boys in the front row would clearly have outed themselves.

I HOPE THEY DO PUT SHADE TREES on Wilton Drive, cause I’m tired of seeing all those fatties hanging out in the parking lot with their shirts off. Some nice trees would block my view beautifully. ANOTHER SEX CLUB OPENING IN Miami? There’s not enough dick to go in all those glory holes.

THANKS FOR COMING HOME WITH gonorrhea. Was it payback for that time I told you not to come home with that cat?

YOUR BOOTS LOOKED VERY NICE AS you were kicking me in the nuts while I laid on the ground.

IF YOUR ADAM PROFILE SAYS ANYthing goes and your into pig play, I have a tough time believing your status is actually negative.

I HAD THE BEST WEEKEND EVER, because your screeching ass voice was out of town! Finally….silence.

I’M GLAD YOU WALKED OUT OF Rosie’s quickly and didn’t see who was sitting at that table. Because we all know if you would have seen Marky Mark and the Funky bunch, shit woulda hit the fan.

WHY DO ALL MY boyfriends want to have threesomes and then end up leaving me for the trick in the end? Can I really not keep a man?

YOUR POOL PARTY WAS JUNKY AND I hope you know I don’t care that you didn’t invite me. I had a foursome with some of the hottest 50-year-olds in FTL while you spent the weekend having little twink boys steal your alcohol and cock tease you. Act your age for a change.

I THINK I SOLD YOU SOME BAD greens. My bad. Come back to my place and I’ll power bottom for you to make up for it.

OBAMA’S MAMA WOULD NOT BE proud of him today. Your mama would not be proud of you either. Now put your pants on and get out of my house.

QUIT TEXTING MY MAN, BECAUSE next time I see you out, I’m going to break your precious little iPhone. I am not the one you want to f with.