Can you top this? The last Advice-versa column, on what to do when your partner gets too “kinky,” generated a lot of responses, a kind of one-upmanship on who’s had the weirdest experience in the bedroom department. We asked Dr. Yakerty to pick a few and offer his reaction.
Remember you can write to him at dryakerty@aol.com. He will reply.
Laying Head to Toe
“Learned the hard way you should know in advance what a guy is into. After we got into bed he informed me he didn’t do oral or anal OR kissing. The only way he could cum would be for me to lay with my head in the opposite direction so he could smell my feet while he masturbated. When I told him that didn’t interest me he screamed I was ‘a selfish jerk’ and he’d never go to bed with me again. Thank god!”
Talk About a Guy With Baggage
“Couple years back met this hot guy online and invited him to come visit me. When I met him at the Fort Lauderdale Airport he had the usual suitcase plus a steamer trunk at least five feet tall. I said, ‘you do know this is just for the weekend?’ He said the trunk contained some ‘costumes to juice up the sex.’ In three different sizes he had a state trooper outfit, army general uniform, doctor’s scrubs, priest cassock and so forth. That night he asked me to wait until he fell asleep then sneak into the bedroom dressed as Dracula and bite him on his dick. I couldn’t help it, but I just started laughing. Next morning he caught an early plane.”
Foxy
“Met a guy at a local bar who told me he could only ‘get it on’ if Fox News was playing loudly in the background. Where in the Kama Sutra does it cover that?.”
Public Faces in Public Places
“My partner got to where he only wanted sex if we were in a place where people might walk in on us at any moment — a public restroom, a park, under the desk at work. Tried to go along but when he suggested we have ‘full-court press sex’ in my parent’s sunroom while they were watching TV in the living room that was the finale for me.”
Turning the World Topsy-Turvy
“I think I can top your car exhaust story. When this guy insisted we couldn’t go to my condo, even though it was two blocks away, but had to go to his house, which was eight miles away, I should’ve known something was up. Turns out he can only get his rocks off if he’s hanging naked upside down (he had a trapeze over his bed) and wearing one sock … on his left foot! Cross my heart and hope to die, this happened.”
Dr. Yakerty responds
Jack Nicolson said God created Michael Jackson so the rest of us could feel normal. Sometimes I think we enjoy hearing kinky tales for the same reason. Kinky is so relative it deserves its own theory, and to my Aunt Fiona anything outside of the missionary position falls into that category. The truth is that for straights and gays alike there’s a lot that goes on behind closed doors that would shock and awe our straight lace aunts. From the beginning of recorded time there’s always been an extensive variety of sexual practices. Remember Adam and Eve had that snake. With that said, it doesn’t mean anything goes, because sex can be a sharp two-edged sword that can cut those who put too many limits on this natural impulse and also cut those who arrogantly think that limits don’t apply to them. I would suggest a healthy guiding principle is that both people find the act pleasurable on some level, giving more emphasis to “we” than “me,” and that it does no damage to either person physically or mentally. Being too loose can have the same effect on sex as being too uptight, it can lead to a caricature of the act where we’re left going through the motions without the emotions we so deeply desire.
