Advice

Editor’s note: We have an unusual advice column for you. First a personal problem will be described and then Dr. Yakerty, a trained counselor and psychologist, will give his professional advice, followed by a counter view offered either by another psychologist, a reader like yourself, or just a blunt friend.

The Predicament

“Been together with same guy for five years running, and I guess our sex life is kinda in a rut. He says we need to shake things up, but what he suggests is more like an 9.0 earthquake. He wants to get into VERY serious role-playing, like having me dress up like a warden and he dresses like a helpless prisoner, except he wants to be a woman prisoner and wear panties and a bra. Ugh! I’m so turned off by this kinky stuff and can’t see why we can’t have normal sex. What do I do?” – JIMMY Z.

My View

Your question reminds me of a T-shirt I saw a couple years ago on Wilton Drive, “It’s only kinky the first time.”

Heaven knows, if not hell, most of us enjoy doing something now we once considered to be on the kinky side. And, if polls are to be believed, a sizable portion of America thinks there’s nothing normal about gay sex.

My point is that “kinky” is somewhat a relative term and probably not useful in judging anything. The more pertinent question for any sex act is whether it can be mutually enjoyable. Notice I said “can be,” not “will be.”

I would suggest you do this at least once with him. He might find it isn’t the thrill he expected. You might find it isn’t the turn-off you assumed.

Jack Paar once said he didn’t mind what anyone did as long as it didn’t scare the dog.

Yes, most couples do find their sex lives change over a period of years. For some it gets deeper and richer. For others, it gets routine and boring. For most, it goes through cycles.

You have to work at that like you do with everything in a relationship.

The problem is some people have only one meaning for sex and that’s what it meant to them in their cruising days. Falsely they expect relationship sex to be like that year after year ad infinitum, and that’s a totally unrealistic notion.

As you grow as a couple, your understanding and enjoyment of what role sex plays in your lives should also grow. Being stuck in the same place always leads to trouble.

And going kinky is most likely a temporary solution – not a lasting one.

Now what do I consider really kinky?

I had a patient once who could only get off by beating off into the tail pipe of a convertible while the engine was running. His partner complained that this was way too kinky and on that I heartedly agreed. He also complained, not surprisingly, about the taste of exhaust fumes.

Sometimes the kink is the jinx in the link.

Counter-View

“The bigger problem is that you and your partner’s sexual tastes may be diverging, and a short walk on the kinky side won’t fix that. Instead, it may exasperate it, making you feel silly for having tried it, making your partner feel depressed because you can’t do it. If your partner believes the whole relationship is more important than this, then you will survive this. But if he feels it’s something he must have, then face that, say your goodbyes, and move on. Just because you’re fairies doesn’t mean you’re going to have a fairy-tale ending.” – DR. TESERO

Would YOU like to give advice in our next column?

Read the predicament below and tell us what you would say to this person. The best one will be printed along with Dr. Yakerty’s response.

Send it to DrYakerty@aol.com. Let us hear from you.

“Okay Dr. Smarty Pants, answer this: My girl friend told me she was bi-sexual from the get-go and I thought I could handle that. But I can’t. It makes me twice as jealous and twice as insecure. No matter how good we are in the sack I feel she’ll always want something I can’t give her. Can a bi-sexual ever be faithful? Can a no-doubts lesbian ever be happy with someone who plays for both teams? It’s driving me nuts!”