HI. YOU KNEW HOW TO OPEN THE cabinet, so you clearly know how to close it. Just do what you originally did in reverse. See- was that so hard?

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE never had an addiction, STFU, your advice was not requested. Quitting smoking is extremely hard to do. If you say one more condescending thing to me about it, I will light you up and smoke your dumb ass.

YOU SAY YOU MISS ME AND DON’T want to lose my friendship, well, pick up a motherf*cking phone and prove it.

THE REASON NO ONE LISTENS TO the radio anymore is because you play the same six crappy songs over and over and over. Bieber, Black Eyed Peas, Ke$ha, Gaga, John Mayer and Kris Allen. Its painful already! There are other musicians out there, I promise you.

I AM SICK OF GIVING HEAD! SICK of it! Just put it in already.

YOU SAY YOU ARE GOOD WITH your hands, prove it already?

WHY IS EVERY PRIDE THE EXACT same? Same booths, same people hocking me their crap, same stupid half-rate gay celebrities, same shirtless dudes who shouldn’t be shirtless. It’s like we are stuck in a Pride groundhog’s day. Can’t we do something different for a change?

I WAS SO PROUD TO CELEBRATE with my fellow LGBTers this past weekend. Wow, 30K came out. I cannot believe how amazing our community is down here. Way to go us! See ya’ll at Stonewall!

WHEN I WENT TO PROM I TOOK MY brothers boyfriend. That bitch in Mississippi needs to shut up, take a man to prom and then go have dykey love sex in the bathroom. Its not that hard.

HEY PRESIDENT OBAMA, I’M SURE your mama who believed in free rights for all including marrying a black man would not be proud of you dragging your feet to give equal rights to gay men and women.

WHAT THE HELL IS TAKing so long. Hope and change has turned into wait and see.

SPRING IS IN THE AIR, and all the straight college boys are in their gym shorts. Mmmm, floppy weenies are back in season.

GUUURRRRLLLL, WHY YOU LOOK so sad? The tears are in your eyes and your mascara is running. Come on child, come over to big papa now.

Don’t be ashamed to cry, let my big arms see you through. I’ll stand by you.

THESE TEA PARTY PARTIES ARE lame. There’s no scotch or crumpets. Also no one gets naked. WTF?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A library? Cause I’m about to throw the book of knowledge right at yo head.

THE GAY AND LESBO FILM FEST wouldn’t play my movie. I worked really hard at it. Those scumbags would rather screen something with Benjamin “big boobs” Bratt than play the story of when my mother fell in love with my aunt Susie.

HOW THE HELL DID I LOSE TO ALL those Lesbos at the WIN golf tournament. I was the only male homo on the course.

Those dykes can really swing that golf club hard and long.