By AJ Cross
I have tried so hard for so long to get you to understand, but no matter how hard I have tried, you just chose not to get it. You are so blinded by your religion and sense of tradition to understand that the harder you hold on to your thoughts, the further you push me away. When dad left you years ago, you forgot that he left me too, and things were just as hard for me as they were for you.
Imagine how hard it must be to feel abandoned by dad, who physically left, and then by you, who emotionally went away. I have done everything I can do to make you happy. I kept up my grades, kept my room clean and did all of my chores; I never argued or gave you a hard time. I picked you up off the kitchen floor and cleaned the broken bottle of whisky that you dove into so many nights. My only mistake was not being smart enough to put a password on my computer. I never thought you would invade my privacy that way. I never thought you would read my emails and find out that I was spending time with him. I never thought that if you found out, you would move so quickly toward anger and disappointment.
Do you think that I want to skip gym class every week out of fear that one of the boys will see me staring too long in the shower? Do you think the look of disgust on your face pleases me?
I wish you could see that I am still your son. I am not your Gay son, but simply your son who loves a little bit differently than you do.
I am sorry that I am the way that I am, and that you would rather lose me than love me.
They say you never know what you have until you lose it, and it seems that if I can’t get you to love me while I am here and alive, then maybe I will get your love after I’m gone.
I hope your God loves better than you do. I hope His capacity for understanding is better than yours. I hope that when you find me and this letter, that He will hold you in his arms the way I begged you to hold me in yours.
My dying wish is that you share this letter with as many parents as you can, so that they may reconsider their position when it comes to their own gay children. Most of all, I hope that you know I love you so much.
This is my last goodbye and my final apology.
P.S. To the parents who might read this letter: There are no hugs and I love you’s from the grave.
Ask my mother!
According to the N.I.M.H. (National Institute for Mental Health) In 2010 the leading cause of death for youth ages
15-19 in the U.S. was suicide. 1 out of 5 suicides were related to sexual orientation or matters of homosexuality.
If you are affected by this column, it is important to remember many people have turned the negativity imposed on them by their friends and families for being gay into positives and have gone on to help many people affected in this way. AJ’s column highlights that suicide is not the answer, we must all work together to ensure another note like the above does not enter our world. It is the job of the Florida Agenda and myself to ensure that solutions are found to all problems within the LGBTQ community. If you identify with the above and feel you can’t go on. STOP and call 954-567-TEEN.