Hurricane season begins this week in Florida as well as the rest of Eastern seaboard. All of which means it’s time to prepare your strategy in case another number five comes our way. The National Weather Service tells us that this will be a robust hurricane season—not that we’ve ever really believed a weatherman. However, just in case they’re right for once, better safe than sorry.
While there are those of us that actually use Home Depot for hardware rather than cruising, if you’re reading this article, chances are that you’re not among them. If such is the case, following is a simple list of items to have on hand (and handy) for that rainy day that’s accompanied by 120 mile-an-hour winds.
Jugs of water. And lots of them. Remember, when hurricanes hit, there’s no such thing as safe water running from your spigots. Who knows what kinds of contamination has flowed into our water supplies with the heavy rain and winds. Four gallons of water per person is what’s you’ll need to get you over the initial period when you’ll be washing your body in the intimacy of a stiz bath and washing your hair with frugality. Prop it up and push it out will become your new hairstyle of choice as hair spray becomes your new best friend.
Cash As we all know, a girl has her needs. The extra set of nails, a new pair of fishnets, a new tube of glitter lipgloss. Whatever the purpose, we all need cash. During hurricanes, however, our go-to ATM machines will most likely be out of commission. Stack up some $20 for these rainy days; and don’t forget to keep a stash of $1 bills. Strippers need to eat too.
Toilet Paper. The simplest things can make a sissy feel at home during an emergency. Toilet paper is among those things. You can’t have too much. Double-ply is the best.
Disposable Plate. Make this plastic, not paper, in a delicious tone of pink. It will set off your heavy duty silver plastic utensils, and allow you to continue to maintain some sense of a party life—even in candlelight.
New flashlights and batteries in every bedroom in your house, apartment or love nest. Do not depend on that little sequined LED light you have hanging from your keychain. We’re talking industrial strength light here—for when the power goesout , as it usually does in areas without buried utility lines (which is to say most of Fort Lauderdale and much of Miami).
A fresh roll of duct tape in a complimentary color. There are those who insist that purple is de rigeur for hurricane season. This is useful to repair any number of items that will break at the first hint of a tropical storm—not the least of which is your flashlights. (See item 1, above.)
Peanut Butter and Jelly. Needs no refrigeration and can be eaten right out of the jar, Peanut Butter and Jelly will provide you necessary fiber, carbs and sugar, which, hurricane or no hurricane, our bodies need.
Canned foods that you don’t mind eating cold. Ordinarily, no self-respecting queen would be caught dead opening a can of beans or any other food group. However, this is one time that you simply must not stand on principle. No one need know that you’ve got canned goods in the house, hidden behind your linens.
A hand-operated can opener. We suggest the Zyliss EasiCan Electric Can Opener available from Amazon.com. It uses two AA batteries for power, and not only operates with a single push button, it leaves no sharp edges.
First aid kit, for when you cut yourself because you didn’t follow the suggestion in item 5.
A loud whistle. It works better than your normal squeal to attract attention, and hangs around your neck as a fashion accessory. The color choice is optional, depending on your shoes.
Solar cell phone charger. We recommend the iBeek Portable USB Solar Charger. It will keep you in contact with your friends, even if the power is interrupted. $21.99 on Amazon.com. One cannot expect to live without the basics—and your cell phone is included.
Gas for your vehicle. If previous hurricanes are any indication, the majority of gas stations will be unable to pump gas as soon as utility lines fail. This means that you should fill your car’s tank in advance, and keep it full, even if it means returning to the pump frequently. As well know, pumping gas is an art and requires individual outfits designed to attract attention to your finest features as you wrestle with the gas hose. Dress appropriately and you may not even have to touch a gas pump. Remember your knight or damsel in shining armor is as near as your brightest smile.
Preplan your exit route which takes you away from the beach. While we realize that the beach is your second home, resist the temptation to check out the waves during the eye of the hurricane which occurs mid-way through your adventure. Head west, honey, and don’t stop until you’re well past Plantation. That’s a town, not a cotton field.
When all else fails. Remember every sissy’s fallback position. Keep the telephone number of your favorite butch lesbian taped on the refrigerator in two-inch high numbers. As a last result, call the number. Lesbians are always guaranteed to have a power generator (which they can actually start), and a functioning chain saw to turn that fallen tree blocking your driveway into logs for the fireplace.