By AJ Cross
I recently met an incredibly sweet, attractive, and kind 28-year-old man who was so hurt in his last relationship that he decided that the only way to protect himself was to stop being gay. He went to church and discussed the details of the relationship with his parish priest, and was told that if he was not happy it was because it was not the type of relationship that God had intended for man. He was also told that being gay was a mental condition, and that if he made the choice, he could live a “normal” life with a wife and children and no longer feel the hurt and pain caused by his former boyfriend.
This man is surrounded by friends in his life–all gay–and he is preparing to walk away from those friendships. He started to date a woman who is 49. This woman, his friend for over six years, turns out to have been his best friend during his same-sex relationship, so she knows full and well that he is gay but has apparently decided to overlook that fact in order to duck the possibility of her still being single at 50.
The guy-in-question had recently been on several dates with another man, and had been enjoying these gay dates. Although he was starting to like this person, he asked the guy to never contact him again because he felt such guilt about his feelings and because he was in a happy relationship with a woman. During that final farewell conversation, he also divulged that the 49-year-old woman he was dating
is pregnant, supposedly with his child and that if she is, all his dreams would come true.
Did this man simply change because he told himself, “I don’t want to be gay anymore”? I think not. I think that this man is running and hiding from his fear of being hurt. Running into the arms of a woman will not protect him, either, because, unless I am mistaken, women are able to cheat and lie just as easily as men. More importantly, he will never be fully satisfied, and this will lead him to stray in order to accommodate the sexual needs this female partner will never be able to fulfill. I do believe in being straight, gay, or bi-sexual, but I find it hard to swallow–no pun intended–that a truly gay person can simply wake up and decide that they are not going to be gay anymore. If it were that easy, I am sure many of us would have already chosen that option over the great difficulties that society presents to the LGBT community, let alone unsuccessful same-sex relationships.
It is also important to note that healthy gay relationships are possible and are in existence at this very moment, as is the option of being a gay parent to a wonderful child through natural means as well as surrogacy or adoption. I hope that this young man realizes that his girlfriend must surely have some disconnect from reality or common sense if she is so willing to be with him, have his child, and marry him after being his friend while he was actively gay. He is acting out of fear and it seems that she may be acting out of desperation and fear, as well, and those elements will not make for a successful outcome regardless of how much they both want it.
I have been hurt, and honestly, I have hurt others, and that is the truth of any relationship that ends. Love hurts sometimes and that is not unique to sexual preference. All we can do is try to make better decisions to whom we give our trust and hearts and wish for the best. Being loved is about being who you are and loved because you are that person. If you have to change to find love then that love is based on fiction. Unlike fiction, there will not be a happy ending or living happily ever after.